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Tag Archives: Food coloring

Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

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The Horse Says “Neigh, Mother Fucker!”

8 Aug

Background

Sometimes I make cakes that make outsiders say, “Wut da fuk? Do you even cake, bro?” Yes, I can cake the cake out of cakes. Also, I think about cakes A LOT, and sometimes I start planning them months in advance. This cake was developed from an office prank, which happened months before the cake as made.

One particular friend, who enjoys the ERMAHGERD language and ponies (actually, he likes to wear a horse head mask, but close enough), said there wasn’t enough pranking happening in our department. Then, he left for three months on an internship, which gave me plenty of time to wrap up his office space.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

This friend was defending his dissertation a few months after he came back from his internship, so I decided to make him relive this wonderful moment in his life in cake-form.

Ingredients

  • Shittastic cake recipe (don’t use a boxed cake, asshole) (TitTip: White cakes are the easiest to color)
  • Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Food coloring (I had pink and an aqua green color to match the prank)
  • A pan that matches your friend’s personality (Hopefully, your friend doesn’t have a neigh-ative personality.)
  • Cake decorations (candy flowers made this shit festive)
  • Non-Cake decorations (I used the plastic ponies from the first prank. They aren’t edible, but they gave the cake a certain majesty.)

Recipe

First, mix your cake. If you want to color the cake, you can divide up the batter and mix in the food coloring. Then, you swirl that shit about in your pan(s) of choice.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin' work I did.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin’ work I did.

As you can see, I fucked up the pony head by ripping its face off, not just once, but twice. Sometimes fuckin’ shit up is okay. I used my first mistake as a text bubble for the pony.

TitTip: If you don’t want to rip the face off the pony, just let that shit cool completely. I am very impatient and I ain’t got time to wait for cakes to cool.

Then, it was time to decorate the shit out of the cake!

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin' talented! Don't worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin’ talented!
Don’t worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

Look at my pony! I’m am a mother fuckin’, self-taught, cake decorating expert!

Finally, I had to think of something good to put in the speech bubble. This was for my friend’s dissertation defense, and I wouldn’t know if he passed or not, until after I made the cake. I didn’t want to look silly by saying “Congratulations!” and he fail. Also, pass or fail, he tried really hard. (Ask anyone who has a PhD if trying on your dissertation means anything. It doesn’t. You either passed and got your PhD or you didn’t.)

Another titbit, in the original office prank, there was a picture frame containing a picture of me and a couple of other fucktacular people on his desk that said “Forever Friends”. From that moment in time to forever we were solidified as “Forever friends”.

Done, bitches.

ERMAHGERD! CERK!

A few people complained and said they didn’t understand the message. Well, the message wasn’t for you, assholes. Next time I make a pony, it will just say “Neigh, Mother Fucker!” Then, everyone can tell me how clever I am.

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Cake Doesn’t Give a Shit

11 Jun

He said unto the angel, “Thou should taste of this cake because it is fuckin’ delicious and gives no shits.”

The angel ate of the cake’s sweetness, and decreed the cake magnificent.

–  Justin 20:13

Background

Facebook is shittacular fun, right? I don’t have problems with Facebook, since it allows me to keep in contact with a lot of friends. However, I know a lot of people, who hate themselves, and keep “friends” on Facebook. Notice the quotes around friends. If I were speaking, those quotes would be air quotes.

Anywho, a good friend of mine asked me to make a sign that reads “Nobody gives a shit”, so he can hold it up to some bitch, who he believes posts extra annoying status updates on Facebook. I informed him that this is the year I express feelings with cakes, and ways to make this idea even more horrible immediately began to flow.

Idea Formation

From this idea, I found out I am a big fan of juxtaposition. (Please don’t ask me to pronounce that word. That is why I posted a link to a site that does the pronunciation for you, asshole.) I decided that rainbows paired with shit were as opposite as opposites gets, and developed this artwork in Microsoft Paint. All the greatest artists of our time use MS Paint.

It all begins with a simple idea that escalates to something fucktacular.

It all began with a simple idea that escalated to something fucktacular.
This will be on the wall of a museum one day.

I bet you didn’t think I knew how to art, but I can art the shit out of art.

This was my my first truly epic cake. However, I developed an unnatural fear with this cake: the fear of never being able to make a better cake than this cake. I instantly discounted this fear as twat-like and cowardly. I am like a fine, fuckin’ wine, and only get better with time.

Boxed Cakes: For the Fucktards of the Baking World

As a baker, box cakes are the bane of my existence. I’ve been asking people what their favorite kind of cake is, and a frequent answer is “Funfetti”. OMJesus! Could y’all be more uncreative? I have laid the world of desserts at your feet and you have chosen a simple, boxed cake that any asshole can make. Ugh.

With that being said, Funfetti was the perfect kind of cake to go with the rainbow-nobody-gives-a-shit-theme, since I didn’t give a shit about how tasty it would be. (FYI: I do weddings.)

Ingredients

  • 2 boxes of vegan cake mix, plus sprinkles
  • 1 Cute, friend, who draws the cutest shit on Earth
  • FuckTon of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze (I will never use canned icing. That crap is disgusting.)
  • Food Colors of your choice (The perfect shit brown color is my special secret.)
  • Jelly Roll Pans
  • Parchment Paper (easier to get the cake out of the fuckin’ pans)
  • Powdered sugar (keeps your shitty cake less sticky)
  • Kitchen towels

Cake Development

First, you make the cake batter as indicated on the stupid box. Then, you can separate the batter into lots of different bowls and add some food coloring. I made six different colors, but do what you fuckin’ please.

So fuckin’ colorful!

Look at all the fuckin’ colors!

Next, start pouring the shitty batter into the parchment paper-lined jelly roll pans. If you are using the jelly roll pans, you don’t need to bake the cakes as long as indicated on the box. I think, I did about 10 minutes per mini layer.

Then, you can pull the baked layer out of the pan by the parchment paper, and flip that shit on a kitchen towel that you’ve pre-dusted with powdered sugar.

TitTip: Sometimes the layers may look funny (see picture below). That’s okay because you are going to cover it with icing and no one needs to know you fucked up.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there. TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake. Wait for it to cool.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there.
TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake, since that will burn your dick. Wait for it to cool and be a nice, warm cake.

Two mini layers of cake are about equal to one normal cake layer, so for every two mini layers of cake there’s one layer of icing. As always, do as you fuckin’ please. However, I’d respect you if you made six or more layers, or if you put icing between each mini layer. That would be a lot of god-damned icing, but I am a fan of icing and diabeetus.

Two layers of thin cake for every two layers of cake.

Holy shit! This must be what unicorns eat for breakfast.

You’ll need a lot of icing colors for this cake, so you can make a proper rainbow complete with shit. Add the icing and food coloring (separate bowl for each color), and then stir the shit out of it until the icing is the color you desire.

Fuckin’ colors!

Check out all the fuckin’ colors!

Then, decorate that shitty cake. Be sure to have your cute, shit-drawing friend handy. If you don’t have a shitty, cute friend, you probably won’t have cute shit. You’ll have nasty shit, and people will just vomit when they see your cake. I guess, vomiting cake-consumers are cool, if that’s what you are going for.

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Eat That Shit

Now that you have properly documented your beautiful art, it is time to consume your art. There are a lot of layers, so be sure to do this shit properly.

Look at the colorful layers!

Look at all the fizzworthy layers!

Because we don’t give a shit, we ate this cake outdoors with our hands in our animal masks. Yes, there are a group of strange graduate students in the ‘Murrican Midwest that own life-like, latex animal masks. We don’t get many photo ops, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity for us to all wear our masks and devour a cake.

Ready to eat cake!

Best family portrait ever? Or bestest family portrait ever?

It turns out that boxed cake is an aphrodisiac. Who knew? Pair boxed cakes with creepy animal masks, and you have a new, unique porn. You are very welcome, World.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex. Not a lot of love.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex.
Also, this may the best collage in the history of the Interwebs.

Horses usually don’t give a shit. Therefore, a dude who wears a horse mask is a badass mother fucker who definitely doesn’t give a shit. Horse deserves his special place in the history of the Interwebs.

Badass motherfuckin’ Horse doesn’t give a shit. Too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass.

This badass mother fucker didn’t let the lack of plates stop him from getting to the cake. I guess, he’s too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass to give a shit.

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…
Nevermind, keep wearing that shit with pride.

We couldn’t eat the cake with our masks on, so we had to take them off. Some of us couldn’t calm the fuck down, and starting jizzing and fizzing cake all over others’ faces. You would think this would be inappropriate behavior in a public place, but people were pretty cool with it, or just too scared to correct crazy people in animal masks.

We got a little crazy with the cake.

We ate the cake with our hands and got that shit all over our faces. We are fuckin’ classy like that.

In the end, no one wanted to eat the cute shit. However, there was a friend, who claimed she would show up to the Cake Eating Extravaganza, but didn’t. I cut the cute shit out of the cake for her and saved it. When I delivered it to her, I said, “I saved this shit for you, since you are a shitty friend.”

And we haven’t spoken since.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

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Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze

31 May

Background

Of all the recipes I have, this is the oldest fucker. The first thing I was ever allowed to use the mixer for when I was a wee one.

Recipe

The biggest problem with this recipe is that I never measure anything for it. But if you are smart, you can probably figure this shit out on a trial and error basis.

– Aquafaba (the leftover liquid shit from a can of chickpeas)
– Shortening (only all-veggie, since that animal fat shit is fuckin’ disgusting)
– Fuckton of powdered sugar (at least 6 fucktons)
– Vanilla extract (I’m really fuckin’ picky about my vanilla, and you should be too)
– Dry vegan milk* (make that shit up like it says on the package)

Directions

First, you fluff the shit out of the aquafaba with the whip attachment. Whip it until you get what other bakers call “stiff peaks”. This could take some fuckin’ time.

If anyone knows what you can do with just the yolk, please let me know. I’ve felt guilty for wasting the yolks for years.

Here’s some egg whites with the shit fluffed out of them.

Here’s some aquafaba with the shit fluffed out of it.

Then, you add in some Criso or all-veggie shortening. The amount I put in is usually equals the same as the aquafaba that just had the shit fluffed out of them. You should mix the Criso until it is a bit fluffy. It will look like the picture I’ve provided for you, cause I’m fuckin’ thoughtful.

The egg whites plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good. *Giggle*

The aquafaba plus Crisco. Give it a taste. I swear it tastes good.
*Giggle*

Now you can start adding in the fuckton of powered sugar. I think for every ounce of aquafaba, I use about 4 fucktons of powered sugar, but this recipe is all to your own taste.

As you are mixing in the powered sugar you can add in the vanilla and prepared dry milk. I fuckin’ love vanilla, so I always add a shitload of vanilla. You add in the liquidy shit to the consistency you want the icing to be. I usually like mine a bit thick, but, as always, do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

Mix in multiple fucktons of powered sugar. The DIABEETUS gods will thank you.

This time I made a lot of icing, so I had to separate it because my feeble hand mixer couldn’t handle this shit.

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

I made so much fuckin’ icing this time that I had to separate it into another bowl. Go big, or go the fuck home!

Uses and TitTips

I use this icing as my fail-safe for every cake and to decorate most my cakes. It’s white (if you haven’t been paying attention), so it is really easy to add any color you want to it.

TitTip: When making dark colors, you can add coco powder. This helps in conserving food color, makes the color dark, and get rids of or minimizes the aftertaste that most food colors have.

If you are a dude, who weights half a ton, like myself, you can also just eat this shit. I eat it like mother fuckin’ candy! Seriously, I eat it all the time. Quite often I push the cake to the side and only eat this icing. My favorite thing to do is to mix shredded coconut into an undisclosed amount of icing, and then call it “dinner”. Sometimes I like to pair it with cookie dough.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

Best fuckin’ dinner around! What? It has coconut in it. Coconut is healthy.

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*Vegan Dry Milk Recommendations:

The go-to dry milk is rice milk powder. It doesn’t have a strong flavor on it’s own, so it won’t give your icing a flavor you are not intending.

Soy milk powder is comparable to rice milk, but soy milk is not my fuckin’ favorite.

Vegan coconut milk powder is great, if you are making a cake that would benefit from a little coconut flavor.

Vegan TitTip: Be sure to really read through the dry milk ingredients, especially if it isn’t fuckin’ labeled “vegan”. I read a lot of reviews for different dried milk powders, especially coconut, and there were lots of complaints on some brands adding some sort of dairy into the product.

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