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Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

__________

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