Tag Archives: Carrot Cake

How to Make Carrots Unhealthy: Carrot Cupcakes

15 Jun

A cake made of carrots must be healthy as fuck, right? Wrong, asshole!

The Shit You Will Need:

  • 4 flax eggs (4 tablespoons of ground flaxseed and 1/2 cup of water)
  • 1 pound of carrots (get the colorful ones for shits n’ giggles)
  • 2 1/2 cup of flour (gluten-free flour works too)
  • 1 teaspoon each of baking powder and soda
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon each of ground nutmeg, cloves, and ginger
  • 1 cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 cup of light brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup of coconut oil, melted
  • 1 cup of chopped pecans or walnuts

How To Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs by mixing the flaxseed and water. Place in a fridge for a few minutes, and then mix again. Once it is thick, that shit is ready to go.
  2. Peel and shred the fuck out of the carrots.
Get the colorful carrots for shits n' giggles.

Get the colorful carrots for shits n’ giggles.

3. Combine the flour, baking soda and powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.

4. Add the carrots you shredded the fuck out of to the flour.

Colorful shit here.

Colorful shit here.

5. In a food processor, or with a mixer, mix the sugars and flax eggs until that shit is light n’ frothy as fuck.

6. Slowly add the oil to the mixture, until it is combined.

7. Mix this shit in with the carrot-flour mixture, until combined.

8. Add the nuts (*giggles about nuts*), but only if you fuckin’ feel like it.

9. Fill cupcake tins about 3/4 full.

10. Bake for about 15-20 minutes (or 30-40 minutes for a 9-inch cake) at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. A toothpick should come out clean as fuck when inserted in the middle and they should be a lil’ brown.

This batter is fuckin' thick!

This batter is fuckin’ thick!



11. Add some vegan cream cheese icing. Tittip: For extra flavor you can add some ground cinnamon and ginger to the icing.

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Pretend you know how to decorate cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Memories:

One of the first cakes I made was a carrot cake:

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin' heart.

This cake looks like shit, but it came from a good place: my fuckin’ heart.

Now I have a better grasp of color contrast.


Carrot Cake for the Drunken Hearted

31 May


So there I was, drunk off my ass at a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve, when suddenly, I had to puke. Someone was in the bathroom, and it was way too fuckin’ cold outside to even consider puking in the dark away from judgmental eyes. I puked in the only place that made any God-damned sense: the kitchen sink in front of a bunch of strangers. After that I was carried to an empty bedroom where I promptly puked in a trashcan handed to me by the owner of this lovely cake.

I don’t make a habit out of this super classy behavior, but I did think this friend was super cool about my awesome behavior. Although, in his defense, he was totally wasted too. I’m not really sure if that is defending him or not.

Always Thoughtful

This friend said he didn’t like cake. Who the fuck doesn’t like delicious cake? The answer: a soulless jackoff. I picked carrot cake for him, since he likes to walk around our workplace eating giant fuckin’ carrots. I know, only someone as fuckin’ thoughtful as me could come up with this shit.

The Cake

Look at that carrot fortress guarding that carrot cake of motherfuckin’ solitude!

Look at that carrot fortress guarding that carrot cake of motherfuckin’ solitude!

Here’s the completed product. Pretty fuckin’ amazing, right?

Here’s the completed product. Pretty fuckin’ amazing, right?

Note: Yes, I know this shit is hard to read. This was my first month of trying to write fuckin’ messages on cakes, so the green was a little too light. I don’t see you apologizing to people about your cunty behavior with a delicious, thoughtful dessert. You should be fuckin’ ashamed of your judgy self. Go die in a fire!

Recipe and Construction

Some people said this was the best carrot cake they ever had. How fuckin’ flattering. Check out the recipe.

I hand shredded all the fuckin’ carrots in this recipe by myself. That was probably over ambitious of me, but I think that helped in making it fuckin’ amazing and super moist.

The recipe didn’t call for a fortress of carrots, so you can figure out how many of those fuckers you need to put around the cake yourself. Seriously, don’t worry about leftover carrots. If you have leftover carrots you should probably eat them, Fatty.