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Tag Archives: Murrica

The Best Icing in the God-Damned World

26 Sep

A friend of mine introduced me to the world of matcha, and my life was forever changed. If you haven’t tried matcha green tea candy, cake, or some other dessert you should take a step back and seriously examine your life. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!

I thought matcha would pair nicely with ginger, and it did. I’m a fuckin’ genius! I’m also super fuckin’ nice, so I will share my Matcha-Ginger Cream Cheese Icing recipe with you.

Ingredients

  • 1 fuckin’ package of vegan cream cheese (8oz package)
  • 1 stick o’ Lardy McChunkyBuns Butter (1 stick, any vegan stick will do)
  • Matcha green tea powder (2+ tablespoons)
  • Ground Ginger (2+ tablespoons)
  • 4 fucktons of powdered sugar (4 cups)

Instructions

Make sure the cream cheese and butter is softened and then mix that shit together until it is smooth.

If you are unaware of the wonders of green tea, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

If you are unaware of the wonders of matcha, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

Then, mix in the ginger and matcha green tea powder. Finally, mix in a fuckton of powdered sugar. I’ve heard from expert sources (e.g., Asians) that you can’t have too much green tea flavoring. So I put a lot more matcha powder in there than stated in the ingredients, but do whatever the fuck you want.

Put That Shit On A Cake

I put this god-damned icing on a green tea cake, but I think it would work on a vanilla cake too.

This is making my mouth fuckin' water.

This is making my mouth fuckin’ water.

Check This Shit Out

My friend was going off on an internship several states away for a few months. Several states away? Might as well be another country. We wanted her to come back, so I made the place she was going to seem pretty lame.

'Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

‘Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

She’s back, so, obviously, the cake worked.

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

4 Jul

Today is the birthday of the greatest nation on Earth: ‘Murica!

I made a cookie big enough to fuck up Lady Liberty’s blood glucose levels.

Ingredients

  • 2 giant cookies
  • 1 dash of fuckin’ justice
  • 4 1/2 teaspoons of misogyny
  • 3 asstons of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • 1 cup of liberty
  • 2 tablespoons of ethnocentrism
  • All the pride you can muster (which should be a fuckton, unless you are a foreigner)

Add all the ingredients together and you have the best fuckin’ birthday cake this nation, or any other nation, has ever laid eyes upon.

'Murica! Fuck Yeah!

‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

I contemplated deep-frying the whole thing. Or topping it in deep-fried butter. Or both.

Instead, I just drew some butter and a Big Gulp in the eagle’s talons. Drawing the butter was easier than deep-frying butter or the whole cookie. I am an ‘Murican, therefore I am lazy.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Happy fuckin’ birthday, Murrica!

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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