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Tag Archives: bitches

Handle With Fuckin’ Care: How to Mail Baked Goods to Your Hoes

4 Dec

It’s that time of the year again: The Fuckin’ Holidays. Time to show some hoes you care by sending them baked goods.

However, there are a lot of things to worry about when sending your hoes diabeetus:

  1. The dropping and subsequent destruction of your shitty baked goods.
  2. Spontaneous combustion.
  3. The mail-person rubbing their genitals on your box of baked goods. (You’ll know this took place when your hoes complains about a very peculiar stain and/or hole on the box.)
  4. Your package of baked goods being delivered to the wrong hoes.

How do you keep your hoes happy? Just follow the packing advice of Dis Hoe (that’s me, The Foul-Mouthed Baker), then you won’t have to worry about a mother fuckin’ thing, bitch.

1st Fuckin’ Step: Bake some shit. This time I made a fuckton of cookies: chai oatmeal raisin, the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies, spicy chocolate chip, and peanut butter blossoms.

2nd Fuckin’ Step: Put your cookies in freezer bags and seal dem bitches up tight. Hoes don’t like stale-ass cookies.

3rd Fuckin’ Step: Acquire some kind of packing material and place inside your box to cushion the bottom of your baked goods. Don’t spend a lot of money on this, since it is just for some hoes. I used plastic bags from the grocery store, which I usually use to dispose of my cats’ excrement.

Put your shit in the box.

Put your shit in the box.

4th Fuckin’ Step: Start putting the bags in the boxes. Yes, boxes. I have a lot of hoes that need their diabeetus fix.

Yo, Hoes! Look at all the shit in these boxes.

Yo, Hoes! Look at all the shit in these boxes.

TitTip: Be sure to use a Wal-Mart bag in every box. This way your hoes know you only used the finest fuckin’ ingredients.

I purchase only the finest fuckin' ingredients at the classiest establishments.

I purchase only the finest fuckin’ ingredients at the classiest establishments.

5th Fuckin’ Step: Put some more packing materials on the sides and top of the box to give the cookies some cushion because they are going to be pushed. I think I messed that line up, but the main idea is to protect your cookies from being fucked.

Looks like trash? That's because I sent it to trailer trash. Treat trash like trash. That should be a new proverb.

Looks like trash? That’s because I sent it to trailer trash. Treat trash like trash. That should be a new proverb.

BTFW: If you run out of plastic bags, or are a cheap mother fucker, you can usually find some local newspapers for free.

Crumbling up a Kansas newspaper made me feel a little better about living in Kansas.

Crumbling up a Kansas newspaper made me feel a little better about living in Kansas.

There are some shitty cookies located in the box of trash.

There are some shitty cookies located in the box of trash.

6th Fuckin’ Step: Properly label the box so it doesn’t get tousled around during transportation.

This shit is fragile, yo!

This shit is fragile, yo!

7th Fuckin’ Step: Be sure to address it to the right hoes. I wanted to make sure my package got to specific hoes: Dem Hoes.

Dem Hoes love cookies.

Dem Hoes love cookies.

FYFI: The best part of mailing this was when the lady at the post office pointed at “Dem Hoes” and asked if that was a name. She didn’t seem to understand what it meant, even after I told her it wasn’t a name. She wrote “Dem Hoes” on the tracking receipts. This was probably one of the most fucktacular moments of my life.

Look at all Dem Hoes!

Look at all Dem Hoes!

Don’t be a cunt, and send some diabeetus to your madre and padre. Titbit: Don’t address your parents as “Dem Hoes”. Some people think I don’t have a line to cross, but there it is. I won’t refer to my parents as hoes.

Respect your fuckin' parents.

Respect your fuckin’ parents.

8th Fuckin’ Step: Ward others from stealing your package by placing a warning label on it. This way no one will want to steal the shit you made for your shittacular hoes.

Watch out, Hoe! You might get contaminated.

Watch out, Hoe! You might get contaminated.

9th Fuckin’ Step: Marvel at your diabeetus and think about your soon-to-be-fat hoes.

My table collapsed under the weight of the diabeetus. RIP: Shitty table.

My table collapsed under the weight of the diabeetus. RIP: Shitty table.

Mailing small cookies is much easier than mailing a giant diabeetus cookie. Although this pussy was still pretty fuckin’ satisfied.

 __________

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Badass Princess Here to Save Her Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

16 Jan

Mother Fuckin’ Background

Recently, I was tasked with making a princess castle cake for a friend’s little girl’s fifth birthday. I’m not a fan of girly shit, but I was excited by this request.

I disclosed that I had been wanting to make a princess castle cake complete with a princess slaying a dragon to protect her kingdom. (We need an equal showing of chicks and dudes saving kingdoms, and princesses don’t need princes to take care of them; they can handle their own shit.) My friend said the idea sounded perfect because her little girl “doesn’t take shit from anyone”.

Plan The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

This project allowed me to channel my inner-Girl Scout. When I was a Girl Scout, I learned to:

Always be fuckin’ prepared as shit.” – Girl Scout Promise

Those are important words, and I live my life by them.

Decide how big you want your cake, put its foundation together, and draw shitty blueprints.

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

TitTip: An idea and goals are very fuckin’ important for a cake project of this size. I had several goals and requests to honor.

FYFI: The little girl this cake was for wanted a (1) purple castle, (2) surrounded by a moat, and (3) the Rice Krispie Treats needed to be M&M’s-filled. I didn’t understand the M&M’s request, but I discovered that children are easily impressed. Five-year-olds think that to put M&M’s in Rice Krispie Treats you need to be a shittacular wizard.

My goals were to make (1) all parts edible, (2) form non-phallic turrets, and (3) construct recognizable items and creatures. (Recognizable meaning the dragon looks like a dragon without people pointing and asking, “What the fuck is that?”)

Ingredients For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

  • Cake layers (If you are a lazy fuckhead, use a shitty boxed cake. Titbit: Children heart funfetti, but that mix isn’t vegan. However, it is very easy to make a white cake and add vegan sprinkles. Trust me when I say, “You don’t need a fuckin’ boxed cake mix!”)
  • Rice Krispie Treats with M&M’s (Veganize that shit: Dandies are vegan marshmallows and dark chocolate M&M’s are vegan)
  • A variety of food colors and vegan white, dark, and milk chocolate (If you are like me, you’ll need extra cause you’ll fuck shit up.)
  • Shitload of waxed paper (Most of the ingredients are sticky as fuck.)
  • Shape-N-Amaze (This shit is expensive and accidentally vegan!)
  • Mother fuckin’ sprinkles!
  • Ice cream cones (Titbit: The pointed-bottom cones will make you less likely to make dick-like turrets.)
  • Approximately one metric fuckton of Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Your god-dammed imagination

BTFW: Even though I wanted to make everything edible on this cake, I didn’t fuckin’ concern myself with how most of it tasted, with the exception of the actual cake part and the icing.

Assembling The Shit For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

If you look at my castle blueprint, I wanted to have a brick road in my landscape. Use the following instructions and pictures to develop your own brick road:

  1. Cut a small hole in one corner of a sandwich bag, put some melted white chocolate in there, and shit tiny bricks out on wax paper.
  2. Draw your road on to the wax paper.
  3. Once your Candy Melt bricks have hardened, you should trim and arrange them on the road you drew. Then, use another color to cement those fuckin’ bricks together.
  4. Now, you’ll realize that you should have flipped your waxed paper over, but you already cut all your bricks to fit the flip side of the road! So you’ll get fuckin’ pissed you wasted so much time trying to make perfect, lil’ fuckin’ bricks.
  5. Then, say “Fuck it!”, and smash your fuckin’ bricks into haphazard, lil’ pieces. (OMJeebus this is cathartic.)
  6. Get color of melted chocolate stuff, pour it all over your cunty road, and quickly throw your broken bricks, which are now fuckin’ sweet cobblestones, all over the melted candy before that shit dries.
I'm a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

I’m a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

This is how you can make dragon, who just got fuckin’ defeated by a badass princess.

  1. Get some green Shape-N-Amaze, roll out a really thin layer, and put it over some cake or something else that you would put in your mouth (no dicks, please).
  2. Make some tiny dragon feet. Ain’t that shit cute, yo?
  3. Then, make a couple of cold, dead dragon hands and a neck.
  4. Give that fucker a head!
  5. Don’t forget the long-ass tail!
  6. Put little spiky bits on the dragon. I made mine from coloring my melted white chocolate, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.
  7. Make your dragon look as dead as your grandmother. (Ouch. Sometimes I take things too far. Oh well.) I think the tongue sticking out and x eyes indicates this asshole is dead.
  8. Take a good look at what you just created. You’re a fuckin’ confection wizard!
This mother fucker is dead!

This mother fucker is dead!

Now, do similar things to create other decorations and your badass princess. I gave this princess a unicorn because unicorns are fucktacular.

Badass princess riding a fuckin' unicorn!

Badass princess riding a fuckin’ unicorn!

Building The Fuckin’ Magical Castle

  1. Cut the corners off of the Crisp Rice Krispie Treats.
  2. Be sure to put some icing between each layer of this castle.
  3. Cut the cake to fit the blueprint. I made the blueprint for a fuckin’ reason.
  4. Put another layer on that bitch.
  5. Ice the shit out of those top layers.
  6. Get a lollipop stick and shove that shit down into the cardboard where the turrets should go. (This will keep your turrets from collapsing and making a fuckin’ mess.)
  7. Find a cookie cutter or something circular and cut a shitton of circles out of the Rice Krispie Treats.
  8. Poke holes in the circular Rice Krispie Treats, and cram that shit on the lollipop poll until reaching the desired height.
  9. Make sure you put some icing between each layer of your non-cock-like turrets.
  10. Ice the whole fuckin’ castle. It should look like a dick sneezed all over this shit. Well, like several dicks sneezed all over it.
  11. COLORFUL SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE!
  12. Pipe some purple icing on the castle to make it look like a castle. You know, make bricks n’ shit.
  13. Get some ice cream cones and cover them in white Candy Melts. Be very careful to make sure it doesn’t look like a dick. This shit is for children, not a twisted, penii-worshiping bachelorette party, pervert.
  14. Put your cones on top of the turrets, and flags on top of the cones. This shit is starting to look royal.
Building a mother fuckin' magical castle.

Building a mother fuckin’ magical castle.

Landscaping This Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You can see the pictures below. I don’t think I need to hold your hand and walk you through the steps, like a fuckin’ child.

Landscaping the mother fuckin' kingdom!

Landscaping the mother fuckin’ kingdom!

Admire Your Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You just did a shitload of work for something small children and a few adults will devour quickly. Take a few minutes to think about how fucktacular you are.

This shit is done, bitches.

This shit is done, bitches.

In my excitement, I forgot to give the dragon a wound. I took the princess’s sword and stabbed the shit out of that asshole dragon.

I stabbed that fucker!

I stabbed that fucker!

The badass princess slayed the dragon! Next time you give a little girl a cake with a princess on it, consider making it badass, since princesses can do more than look pretty. Princesses can ride unicorns, drink with the common folk, slay dragons, have a couple of fuck buddy princes on the side, and SCIENCE.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Can’t wait to make a princess castle cake for an adult, so I can cover it in penii turrets.

__________

Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

__________