Matcha Chai Latte

16 Feb

Background:

I fuckin’ love chai! But that concentrate stuff that you can buy at the store or at coffee places already made is full of sugar, and sometimes there aren’t any vegan milk options. However, if you make your own, you can use in your own sweetener and make it healthier.

I also fuckin’ love matcha! I went a little crazy and combined the two, and I think it turned out well.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 cups dry vegan milk powder (I’ve used Better Than Milk rice milk and Healthworks coconut milk with great success)
  • 2 tablespoons Matcha powder
  • 1/2 cup of powdered sweetener of your choice (Swerve works well)
  • 1/2 cup of granulated sweetener of your choice
  • 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons ground ginger
  • 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 teaspoon ground turmeric (this shit is optional)
  • 2 teaspoons powdered or ground vanilla (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground all-spice (this shit is optional)
Here's the shit I used.

Here’s the shit I used.

How to make this shit:

  1. Neatly place all the ingredients in a bowl.
Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again...

Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again…

2. I said NEATLY place all the ingredients in the bowl. Once you have neatly placed the ingredients in the bowl, you can mix them up.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for your to see in case you don't know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin'-sque.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for you to see in case you don’t know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin’-sque.

3. To really grind up the ingredients, place them, a cup at a time, in a blender.

This powder is green as shit.

This powder is green as shit.

4. Take it out of a blender and put it in a container.

FAQs

Q: What do I did with this powder shit?

A: Mix about 2 tablespoons of the powder in 8 ounces of hot water.

Q: How do I make this shit creamier?

A: Only mix the powder in 4 ounces of hot water, and then add 4 ounces of delicious milk. (Tit Tip: Coconut and flax milk are tastiest.)

Q: How do I make this shit super MEGA creamy?

A: Mix the powder in half hot water and milk, and add a spoonful or two of coconut cream. It is sure to make you wonderfully fat.

Awww yisss... Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN' CREAMY SWIRL!

Awww yisss… Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN’ CREAMY SWIRL!

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Quick & Easy Vegan Queso Dip: For the Lazy Fuckers

2 Feb

I’m not sure how the rest of the stupid world works, but in Texas cheese dip with some salsa in it is referred to as “queso”. This always seemed strange to me, since queso translates to cheese. I think white people just want to pretend they know Spanish and understand the plights of peoples of color and immigrants by demonstrating the one non-English word they know.

I worked at a shitty Tex-Mex restaurant for about four and a half years, so I basically have a bachelor’s degree in white people being proud of themselves for (mis)pronouncing one Spanish word at dinner. As you can tell, I am not at all bitter about spending many of my younger years waiting tables for cheap, white assholes.

Anyways, this queso (or cheese dip) is better than any Tex-Mex queso I’ve ever had, and because it is vegan you don’t have to feel bad about stealing milk from a baby cow. (I needed to get one vegan guilt trip in this post, right? Otherwise, what kind of vegan would I be? Answer: a shitty one.)

The shit you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of brown rice flour
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast (nooch!)
  • 1 teaspoon of garlic salt (or powder)
  • 2 teaspoons of salt
  • 2 teaspoons of smoked paprika
  • 2-4 tablespoons of regular ol’ yellow mustard
  • 4 tablespoons of vegan butter
  • 2 cups of non-dairy milk of your choice
  • 2 cups of salsa of your choice

How to make this shit:

  1. Mix the brown rice flour, nooch, garlic, salt, and paprika in a large-ish pot or deep pan.
Labeled it in case you don't know what this shit is supposed to look like.

Labeled it in case you don’t know what this shit is supposed to look like.

2. Add the milk and stir with a whisk on low heat.

Mmmmm...looks appetizing...?

Mmmmm…looks appetizing…?

3. Not done yet. Keep whisking away. It will be ready when all the lil’ fuckin’ lumps are gone and this shit is smooth.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

4. Now this shit looks smooth.

Smooth as fuck.

Smooth as fuck.

5. Add in the vegan butter and continue mixing until it is all melted. You’ll notice that the dip gets thicker as the butter melts.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

6. Now add some salsa.

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

7. This is where you can add the mustard to give it a tangy taste.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard...but...you can't. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard…but…you can’t. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

8. Place a tortilla chip in the finished product to taste test. Be sure to move the chip around like a shark. Then feel guilty about eating the chip that you have anthropomorphized into a shark.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

Use this as a dip for chips, crackers, or veggies. It also works on tacos, tamales, black beans, cats, and for an interesting mac n’ cheese sauce. It’ll probably last in your fridge for a while, but I’ve never been able to keep around longer than a week.

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better. 

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better.

TitTips – Make This Shit Even Better:

  • Put some dried mushrooms in a blender and blend that shit into a fine powder. About half a cup of dried mushroom powder will give this dip an extra layer of wonderful flavor. Mix it in after you mix in the salsa.
  • Ferment it! This is actually very easy. Mix in some (a few tablespoons to half a cup) fermented salsa, kimchi juice, or some other tasty fermented brine. Then, put in an airtight container, and leave it in a closet or something for 3 to 5 days. You’ll know it worked if the shit you made starts to bubble.
  • Get less fat by using half the amount of butter. I just tried it this way and it still tastes fucktacular.
  • Make it with no added, unnecessary fat by omitting the butter and adding 1/4 a teaspoon of xantham gum and and extra half a cup of non-dairy milk.

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Inauguration Day 2017: Grab Some Pussy

19 Jan

Several (million) US citizens have been feeling powerless over our next president, but I suggest grabbing your power back by grabbing some pussy in a very dissimilar way to what our soon-to-be-president advises. How can you grab your power back? By making pussy cookies and grabbing them, of course! Devouring the Trump cat cookies will give you magical pussy grabbing abilities.

Use these easy to follow steps to construct your Trump pussy cookies:

  1. Follow the best damn sugar cookies recipe, which is vegan, gluten-free, and sturdy as fuck.
  2. Arrange your pussy cookie cutters for no other reason than to incite jealousy in one of your faithful feline companions.
Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He's probably going to kill me in my fuckin' sleeping, while purring the entire time.

Neglecting a cat to make cat cookies. He’s probably going to kill me in my fuckin’ sleeping, while purring the entire time.

3. Roll out that dough on some waxed paper and cut out some pussies.

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

Making pussy, so I can grab it!

4. Grab those pussies shapes up and slap them down on a pan with parchment paper. Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

Bonus Pussy Grabbing Points: elicit disapproving stares from another feline companion.

5. Bake the pussy cookies, and let that shit cool.

6. Make your favorite pussy colors in incing form.

A rainbow of pussy colors!

A rainbow of pussy colors!

7. Decorate your pussies. I even gave mine horrible Trump wigs.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

These cats are very shiny and bright, which is the exact opposite of the future of the USA.

8. If you made way too much icing, like I always do, put that shit in your compost. Or you can eat it, fatty.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

Delicious, diabetes-filled compost.

9. Let the pussies dry for a few hours to overnight. The icing will harden and get less shiny.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Imagine these pussies climbing a giant border wall.

Originally, I wanted to make all different color cats: brown tabbies, black cats, grey cats. However, I made the orange tabbies, and they seem fuckin’ purrfect for Trump cats. They are orange and look like they used some splotchy spray tan, just like the president-elect.

Pussy cookie or US president?

Pussy cookie or US president?

Semi-Healthy Mini Chocolate Tarts

5 Jan

Why are these tarts are only “semi-healthy” and not super, mega healthy? Because they are still a dessert, but as far as desserts go these tarts aren’t horrible for you. They are the leafy greens of the dessert world. There are even some tips throughout the recipe and at the end to help make these tarts even more sorta, kinda healthy-ish. However, they will never reach kale status, so do not use them as a leafy green replacement.

This recipe is based on a recipe that is based on Hail Merry tarts, so this is a knock-off of a knock-off. It tastes fuckin’ good and isn’t horribly unhealthy, so I have no shame when I make them and shove them in my pie hole.

Ingredients: 

Shit needed for the crust:

  • 1 1/2 cups of almond flour or meal
  • 6 tablespoons of cacao powder
  • 3 tablespoons of delicious syrup (maple syrup or VitaFiber works pretty fuckin’ good)
  • 3 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

Shit needed for the filling:

  • 1 1/2 cups of dark cacao powder
  • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of delicious syrup
  • 2 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Making the crust: 

  1. Put all the crust ingredients in a bowl and mix them until they are blended. The shit will be lumpy like in the picture below, but that is what you want to see.
  2. Press the crust mixture into the bottoms of a mini cupcake pan. About a tablespoon of the mixture for each mini crust.
This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

This is what the crust looks like in bad lighting.

Makin’ the filling: 

  1. Place all the filling ingredients in a bowl or food processor, and blend that shit until it is smooth as fuck.
  2. Once all the ingredients are well blended, fill each of the little crusts with filling.
  3. Put the tarts in the fridge for about 2 to 4 hours.
  4. Take them out once they are solid and keep that shit covered. They are good for a few days. Once or twice I kept them for a couple of weeks.
  5. *Optional: If you used VitaFiber or some other less sweet syrup, sprinkle a little bit of coconut sugar on top of each tart. You can also sprinkle some extra sugar on top if you used extra sugary syrup, if you want perfect thighs and waistline.
Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

Blurry filling mixture at the top. Overly glared filling mixture at the bottom.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I'm a very professional blogger.

I ate one and then remembered I needed to take a picture. As you can tell, I’m a very professional blogger.

Notes and substitutions for the fucktacular baker (That’s you. You’re fucktacular!):

  • Syrup Substitution: When I first made these, I used maple syrup, but recently I’ve been using VitaFiber. VitaFiber is sugar-free and low calorie, but doesn’t have a shitty aftertaste like other sweeteners. (I’ve also used FiberYum because I have no brand loyalty.) Both of these are a little less sweet than sugar or syrups, so to make the tarts less bitter I sprinkle coconut sugar on top of the tarts when they come out of the fridge. They taste sugar-filled, but they aren’t.
  • Flavor Challenge: Don’t be lame and experiment with other flavors. I added a teaspoon of peppermint extract to the filling for some minty tarts. I’ve also added about half a teaspoon of cinnamon, cardamom, and ginger to make chai flavored tarts.
  • Oil Replacement: The oil in the filling can be replaced with an avocado. I used a whole one once, and that was probably too much as the filling was super, fuckin’ thick (but still tasted fucktacular). I think half or a fourth of an avocado would work much better. Or you can stick with the coconut oil and eat the avocado. God damn, avocadoes are amazing!

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The Best Damn Sugar Cookies: Sturdy, Vegan, and Gluten-Free

22 Dec

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

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The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

  • 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

  • 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of water
  • 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
  • 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
  • Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

    1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
    2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
      • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
      • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
      • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
      • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
    3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
    4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
    5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
    6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
    7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
    8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
    9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
    10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.
Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin' good.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled "Fuck" is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled "Fuck" is with vegan eggs.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here's a fuckton of cookies I've made.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

      1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
      2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
      3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
      4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.
Here's some shit I've decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren't penis shaped for a 2 year old's Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don't know what the shit "Paw Patrol" is.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

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