Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

25 May

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

  1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
  2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.
Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
  • 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
  • 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

  1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
  2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

  • For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
  • For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…
I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin' smooth.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him...

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

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Peanut Butter Bars In 6 Easy-As-Fuck Steps

11 May

<Insert long-ass story about these peanut butter bars curing my cockatoo’s cancer AND my grandfather’s erectile dysfunction.>

You are going to want to eat this fucktacular shit everyday damn day!

The Shit Needed:

  • 1 16oz jar of peanut butter (no added sugar or oil)
  • 1/4 cup liquid sweetener (maple syrup, agave, or I use VitaFiber)
  • 1/2 cup coconut flour
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup vegan chocolate chips (OR 1 cup of baking chocolate and 1/3 cup of sweetener to make this shit sugar-free)

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Mix 1 cup of peanut butter, the sweetener, vanilla, and the coconut flour until thoroughly combined.
  2. Press that shit in an 8×8 inch pan, preferably with some waxed paper so it comes out easy.
  3. Then put that shit in the fridge.
Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

Bear is displeased with this pitiful offering.

4. Now melt the chocolate chips, or baking chocolate and sweetener (I use xylitol) with the remaining peanut butter (about half a cup) until that shit is smooth.

Melt that shit!

Melt that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

Keep melting that shit!

You're not done yet, fucker!

You’re not done yet, fucker!

This shit still isn't smooth.

This shit still isn’t smooth.

It could be a little fuckin' smoother.

It could be a little fuckin’ smoother.

Not yet, shithead.

Not yet, shithead.

Now it's finally melted and smooth as fuck.

Now it’s finally melted and smooth as fuck.

5. Pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

Artfully pour the melted chocolate over your peanut butter layer.

6. Put that shit in the fridge for a couple of hours until it is set, and then cut that shit into squares.

A mother fuckin' tower of peanut butter bars!

A mother fuckin’ tower of peanut butter bars!

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

Tower of peanut butter bars to offer the sleeping cat.

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Dicks for Grads!

27 Apr

Do you have friends or family that are graduating soon? Wondering what to get that cocky grad? A dick!

Here are a couple of fucktacular recipes you should use to make your grad cocks:

The shit you’ll need for the grad decorations:

  • Vegan white chocolate chips
  • Vegan semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • Graduation candy molds
  • Coconut oil (or other oil of your choosing)
  • Food colors of your choosing

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make your dicks from the recipes above, or use your own sturdy cookie recipe. (Remember, your dicks will need to be hard to hold the candy decorations you’ll be putting on them. Hard dicks only.)
  2. Don’t forget to have a bit of cheeky fun while making your dick cookies.
Get creative.

Get creative.

3. Make a giant pile of dicks because making a giant pile of dicks is more impressive than making a small pile of dicks.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

4. Clean off the grad molds.

We both know your friend isn't the #1 grad, but they'll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

We both know your friend isn’t the #1 grad, but they’ll feel like it with some dick (cookies) in their mouth.

5. Melt some white chocolate with a little bit of oil, and mix in a few drops of the food coloring of your choice.

6. Start with your first color. Let that first color harden. TitTip: It hardens faster in the fridge.

I did this with my cock. 

I did this with my cock.

7. Add on your next color to fill the mold, and let that shit harden.

8. Make a fuckton of these little candies because you have a lot of grad cocks.

I'm pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate. 

I’m pretty shitty at lighting and taking pictures. The right is a pile of grad hats on a black plate.

9. Use a bit of melty chocolate as glue to keep the candies on the cocks.

Now your lil' cock looks successful. 

Now your lil’ cock looks successful.

10. Put all of your cookies in a giant container and marvel at all the cocks you created.

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

So many dicks! How many can you fit in your mouth at once?!

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Spicy Chocolate Cocks: Cram it in Your Cock Hole!

13 Apr

FYFI: If you don’t want to make these cookies shaped like cocks, you don’t have to. You can also make them shaped like a vagnia, butt, or breasts. Or like a star or snowflake or something lame like that.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs or Vegan Eggs (because eating chicken eggs is fucked up)
  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
  • 3/4 cup of organic granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla
  • 1 cup of cocoa powder
  • 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
  • 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
  • 2 teaspoons of baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 4 tablespoons of chili flakes (If you are a little bitch, and can’t take heat you can leave this out.)
  • 4 teaspoons of ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons of ground ginger
  • * for extra spicy cocks add 2 teaspoons of cayenne pepper

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Make the flax eggs or the Vegan Eggs, as directed. To make the flax eggs, mix two tablespoons of ground flaxseed and four tablespoons of water and let that shit sit for 5 to 10 minutes in a fridge. This makes two flax eggs. Set this shit to the side.
  2. Beat the sugar and softened butter Until that shit is creamed.
  3. Then, add in the flax eggs (or Vegan Eggs) and vanilla.
  4. Slowly add in the cocoa powder. If you do it too fast, that powder will get all over the fuckin’ place. Don’t be a messy fucker.
  5. Mix the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt, and slowly add this to the rest of the mixture.
  6. Cover and pack this shit up and put it in the fridge for at least an hour, or overnight.
  7. Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thickness and cut out some dicks.
These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

These soft, unbaked cocks are about to get hard!

8. Put the dicks in the oven for about 10-15 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

Firm dicks are the best dicks.

9. When your dicks are hard, you’ll know they are done.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

Make a pile of dicks, take a stunning picture, and post on Instagram.

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So many dicks:

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Black Bean Brownies: Vegan & Gluten-Free As Fuck

30 Mar

If you are one of those people that think brownies can only be made with certain ingredients and black beans are not one of those ingredients, then I have seven short words for you: get your head out of your ass.

Give up your misinformed food biases and make this shit because it is delicious as fuck, and sorta, kinda healthy-ish.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs (2 tablespoons of flaxseed meal and 4 tablespoons of water)
  • 2 tablespoons of instant coffee and 6 tablespoons of hot water (This hazelnut shit is the best.)*
  • 1 15oz can (1 & 3/4 cups) of black beans (rinse and drain that shit)**
  • 4 tablespoons of melted coconut oil
  • 3/4 cup of cocoa powder
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup of your choice of sweetener or sugar (I used 1/4 cup of xylitol and 1/4 of VitaFiber to make this shit sugar-free)
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder
  • Pinch of salt
  • Toppings: nuts, coconut flakes, or chocolate chips

How to Make the Fuckin’ Brownies:

  1. Mix flaxseed meal and water in a container and put it in the fridge for a few minutes. Stir that shit again, and leave it in the fridge for a few more minutes. When it becomes thick and absorbs all the water put it in a food processor.
  2. Mix the 2 tablespoons of dried coffee and hot water to make a coffee concentrate. Put two tablespoons of the concentrate in the food processor.
  3. Place the remaining ingredients, except the toppings and remaining coffee concentrate, in the food processor and process the shit out of it.
Put that shit in a food processor.

Put that shit in a food processor.

4. The batter should be thick and a little lumpy. If you think it is too lumpy or thick, mix in another tablespoon of the coffee concentrate.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

5. Put some the batter in oiled up cupcake pans. I like to use mini-cupcake pans, but you can use the big ones, if you want. Don’t let a blogger tell you what to do.

6. If you use the mini-cupcake pans, you should put about a tablespoon of batter in each one. Smooth that shit out with your finger or a knife. Just make sure to use something you can lick afterwards, as we all know you are going to want to lick clean whatever you use.

7. Sprinkle your fucktacular toppings on the batter.

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it. 

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it.

8. Bake that shit at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes or until it starts to move from the side of the pan. A knife inserted in the brownie won’t come out clean, but it also won’t come out with liquid shit all over it.

Notice that I couldn't wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil' fuckers.

Notice that I couldn’t wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil’ fuckers.

9. Let that shit cool and pull them from the pan.

10. Serve to awesome people that you like. Shitty people don’t get awesome brownies.

Lil' fuckin' brownie bites. 

Lil’ fuckin’ brownie bites.

TitTips:

*Adding in the coffee gives the brownies an extra layer of flavor. Add another flavor or plain, if it pleases you.

**Sprout your shit: I usually sprout and cook the organic black beans I use in this recipe.

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