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Black Bean Brownies: Vegan & Gluten-Free As Fuck

30 Mar

If you are one of those people that think brownies can only be made with certain ingredients and black beans are not one of those ingredients, then I have seven short words for you: get your head out of your ass.

Give up your misinformed food biases and make this shit because it is delicious as fuck, and sorta, kinda healthy-ish.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 flax eggs (2 tablespoons of flaxseed meal and 4 tablespoons of water)
  • 2 tablespoons of instant coffee and 6 tablespoons of hot water (This hazelnut shit is the best.)*
  • 1 15oz can (1 & 3/4 cups) of black beans (rinse and drain that shit)**
  • 4 tablespoons of melted coconut oil
  • 3/4 cup of cocoa powder
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup of your choice of sweetener or sugar (I used 1/4 cup of xylitol and 1/4 of VitaFiber to make this shit sugar-free)
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder
  • Pinch of salt
  • Toppings: nuts, coconut flakes, or chocolate chips

How to Make the Fuckin’ Brownies:

  1. Mix flaxseed meal and water in a container and put it in the fridge for a few minutes. Stir that shit again, and leave it in the fridge for a few more minutes. When it becomes thick and absorbs all the water put it in a food processor.
  2. Mix the 2 tablespoons of dried coffee and hot water to make a coffee concentrate. Put two tablespoons of the concentrate in the food processor.
  3. Place the remaining ingredients, except the toppings and remaining coffee concentrate, in the food processor and process the shit out of it.
Put that shit in a food processor.

Put that shit in a food processor.

4. The batter should be thick and a little lumpy. If you think it is too lumpy or thick, mix in another tablespoon of the coffee concentrate.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

The batter will be a little lumpy, but will taste fucktacular.

5. Put some the batter in oiled up cupcake pans. I like to use mini-cupcake pans, but you can use the big ones, if you want. Don’t let a blogger tell you what to do.

6. If you use the mini-cupcake pans, you should put about a tablespoon of batter in each one. Smooth that shit out with your finger or a knife. Just make sure to use something you can lick afterwards, as we all know you are going to want to lick clean whatever you use.

7. Sprinkle your fucktacular toppings on the batter.

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it. 

Put that shit in a pan and put your toppings of choice on it.

8. Bake that shit at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes or until it starts to move from the side of the pan. A knife inserted in the brownie won’t come out clean, but it also won’t come out with liquid shit all over it.

Notice that I couldn't wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil' fuckers.

Notice that I couldn’t wait to take a picture before I ate one of these lil’ fuckers.

9. Let that shit cool and pull them from the pan.

10. Serve to awesome people that you like. Shitty people don’t get awesome brownies.

Lil' fuckin' brownie bites. 

Lil’ fuckin’ brownie bites.

TitTips:

*Adding in the coffee gives the brownies an extra layer of flavor. Add another flavor or plain, if it pleases you.

**Sprout your shit: I usually sprout and cook the organic black beans I use in this recipe.

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Vegan & Gluten-Free Lemon Tarts

16 Mar

These tarts are the lemon version of these fucktacular chocolate tarts. Like the chocolate tarts, these lemon tarts are also semi-healthy. Not too healthy, but also not super fuckin’ unhealthy. You’d be better off eating kale, but this is an okay and more delicious alternative.

Ingredients: 

The Shit You’ll Need for the Crust:

  • 2 cups coconut flakes
  • 1 cup almond flour or meal
  • 2 tablespoons of sweet syrup (I use FiberYum, which is a low-calorie and low-glycemic sweetener.)
  • 2 tablespoons of lemon juice
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 4 tablespoons of melted coconut oil
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt

The Shit You’ll Need for the Filling:

  • 1 cup of soaked cashews (I sprout them, but if you are impatient, you can soak them for a couple of hours.)
  • 1/2 cup of melted coconut oil
  • 1/3 cup of vegan milk (Full fat coconut milk works best, but I’ve also used flax milk with success.)
  • 1/3 cup of lemon juice
  • 1/4 cup of sweet syrup
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon of lemon extract
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt
  • A few pinches of sugar (optional)

How to Make the Fuckin’ Crust:

  1. Put all the crust stuff in a bowl.
Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

2. Mix that shit until it is combined and looks like the picture below.

Do you like my lumps?

Do you like my lumps?

3. Press 1-2 tablespoons of the crust mixture into the bottoms of mini-cupcake pans or silicone mini-cupcake liners. I heart these silicone liners, as they are a great way to avoid paper waste and the tarts slip out of them super fuckin’ easy. So don’t be a wasteful fucker and get these things.

Press that shit into mini-cupcake liners.

Press that shit into mini-cupcake liners.

How to Make the Fuckin’ Filling:

  1. Throw all the filling ingredients into a food processor or blender and blend that shit until it is smooth.
  2. It will be pretty watery, but that is what it is supposed to fuckin’ look like. If it is too thick, add a tablespoon or two of lemon juice or water. 

    Cashews, milk, n' shit.

    Cashews, milk, n’ shit.

  3. Pour the mixture over the crusts.

    The newly poured mixture is shiny as fuck.

    The newly poured mixture is shiny as fuck.

  4. Put that shit in your fridge for a few hours until it is set.
  5. Once it is set and ready to serve, you can sprinkle a little extra sugar on top. If you’d like your tarts to be, um, tart, then leave the sugar off. If you’d like the tarts to be sweet and give the eater diabetes, then, by all means, please sprinkle some sugar on top.
  6. I usually have a bit of the filling left over, which I put into a container, refrigerate, and eat later. It makes a good pudding-like dessert.
Just a little diabetes on top.

Just a little diabetes on top.

Recommendations: Make this shit like a pro and layer it or add new flavors!

  • To make a spirulina layer, take half the already made filling and mix in 6 tablespoons of spirulina powder and one teaspoon of vanilla in a blender. Pour this mixture on the crust first and let that shit set in the fridge. Pour the lemon filling or another flavor on top.
  • To make a berry flavor, especially blueberry, blend one and a half cups of blueberries, 1/3 cup of coconut oil, and 1/3 cup of vegan milk into the filling. Pour this on top of the crust or your spirulina layer. I’ve also done this with great success with strawberries and raspberries. Berries are delicious as fuck. I do not know why anyone would choose a non-vegan dessert over this or just plain berries. Non-vegan shit is just fuckin’ nasty.
Don't mind the pussies licking my dinner crumbs off the table. Tabbies are rude as fuck.

Don’t mind the pussies licking my dinner crumbs off the table. Tabbies are rude as fuck.

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How to Make a Cake for a Shithead

2 Mar

Have you tried to decorate a cake before, but fucked it up?

Afraid you will fuck up your next cake decorating attempt?

Feeling like a hopeless fuck-up?

Then this is the cake for you to make to win back your undeserved self-esteem! It doesn’t matter how well you make this cake or how much you fuck it up; it will still look like shit and that’s the goal!

The Shit You’ll Need:

How to Make This Shit:

  1. Measure, cut, and stack up your shitty cake. Ensure this shit is stable.
Stack your blurry shit.

Stack your blurry shit.

2. Ice the first layer with some of that fuckin’ amazing buttercream icing.

Ice the first shitty layer.

Ice the first shitty layer.

3. Ice the next shitty layers. Don’t worry about smoothing it out too much. Remember: it is supposed to look like shit.

Ice the other shitty layers.

Ice the other shitty layers.

4. Ice the top shitty layer.

Don't forget to ice the top shitty layer.

Don’t forget to ice the top shitty layer.

5. Add some extra pieces of cake on the side, so you can make a ramp for your shit-like icing.

Add some leftover shit cake pieces to the side. This is a shitty cake and shouldn't look perfect.

Add some leftover shit cake pieces to the side. This is a shitty cake and shouldn’t look perfect.

6. Ice the shit ramps.

Ice the extra shit you stuck to the side.

Ice the extra shit you stuck to the side.

7. Pipe out the butter cream icing. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to look too nice. The shittier it looks the better!

Pipe out some icing to make your cake look more shit-like.

Pipe out some icing to make your cake look more shit-like.

8. Try to write something clever as legible as possible.

Don't forget to write the message on your shit, so the shithead you are giving it to knows it is for them.

Don’t forget to write the message on your shit, so the shithead you are giving it to knows it is for them.

Extra bonus step: make lil’ pooplets with the leftover cupcakes or pieces of cake.

Make bonus lil' pooplets for the other people in your life. They are probably shitty too, but not a total shithead.

Make bonus lil’ pooplets for the other people in your life. They are probably shitty too, but not a total shithead.

Give this to the shithead in your life and make him (or her) super fuckin’ happy!

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Matcha Chai Latte

16 Feb

Background:

I fuckin’ love chai! But that concentrate stuff that you can buy at the store or at coffee places already made is full of sugar, and sometimes there aren’t any vegan milk options. However, if you make your own, you can use in your own sweetener and make it healthier.

I also fuckin’ love matcha! I went a little crazy and combined the two, and I think it turned out well.

The Shit You’ll Need:

  • 2 cups dry vegan milk powder (I’ve used Better Than Milk rice milk and Healthworks coconut milk with great success)
  • 2 tablespoons Matcha powder
  • 1/2 cup of powdered sweetener of your choice (Swerve works well)
  • 1/2 cup of granulated sweetener of your choice
  • 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons ground ginger
  • 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 teaspoon ground turmeric (this shit is optional)
  • 2 teaspoons powdered or ground vanilla (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper (this shit is optional)
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground all-spice (this shit is optional)
Here's the shit I used.

Here’s the shit I used.

How to make this shit:

  1. Neatly place all the ingredients in a bowl.
Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again...

Well, I fucked this picture up. Let me try again…

2. I said NEATLY place all the ingredients in the bowl. Once you have neatly placed the ingredients in the bowl, you can mix them up.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for your to see in case you don't know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin'-sque.

Here are all the ingredients laid out for you to see in case you don’t know what they look like. Now this is picture-fuckin’-sque.

3. To really grind up the ingredients, place them, a cup at a time, in a blender.

This powder is green as shit.

This powder is green as shit.

4. Take it out of a blender and put it in a container.

FAQs

Q: What do I did with this powder shit?

A: Mix about 2 tablespoons of the powder in 8 ounces of hot water.

Q: How do I make this shit creamier?

A: Only mix the powder in 4 ounces of hot water, and then add 4 ounces of delicious milk. (Tit Tip: Coconut and flax milk are tastiest.)

Q: How do I make this shit super MEGA creamy?

A: Mix the powder in half hot water and milk, and add a spoonful or two of coconut cream. It is sure to make you wonderfully fat.

Awww yisss... Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN' CREAMY SWIRL!

Awww yisss… Look at that creamy swirl. LOOK AT THE FUCKIN’ CREAMY SWIRL!

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Quick & Easy Vegan Queso Dip: For the Lazy Fuckers

2 Feb

I’m not sure how the rest of the stupid world works, but in Texas cheese dip with some salsa in it is referred to as “queso”. This always seemed strange to me, since queso translates to cheese. I think white people just want to pretend they know Spanish and understand the plights of peoples of color and immigrants by demonstrating the one non-English word they know.

I worked at a shitty Tex-Mex restaurant for about four and a half years, so I basically have a bachelor’s degree in white people being proud of themselves for (mis)pronouncing one Spanish word at dinner. As you can tell, I am not at all bitter about spending many of my younger years waiting tables for cheap, white assholes.

Anyways, this queso (or cheese dip) is better than any Tex-Mex queso I’ve ever had, and because it is vegan you don’t have to feel bad about stealing milk from a baby cow. (I needed to get one vegan guilt trip in this post, right? Otherwise, what kind of vegan would I be? Answer: a shitty one.)

The shit you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of brown rice flour
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast (nooch!)
  • 1 teaspoon of garlic salt (or powder)
  • 2 teaspoons of salt
  • 2 teaspoons of smoked paprika
  • 2-4 tablespoons of regular ol’ yellow mustard
  • 4 tablespoons of vegan butter
  • 2 cups of non-dairy milk of your choice
  • 2 cups of salsa of your choice

How to make this shit:

  1. Mix the brown rice flour, nooch, garlic, salt, and paprika in a large-ish pot or deep pan.
Labeled it in case you don't know what this shit is supposed to look like.

Labeled it in case you don’t know what this shit is supposed to look like.

2. Add the milk and stir with a whisk on low heat.

Mmmmm...looks appetizing...?

Mmmmm…looks appetizing…?

3. Not done yet. Keep whisking away. It will be ready when all the lil’ fuckin’ lumps are gone and this shit is smooth.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

Not done yet, you lazy fucker.

4. Now this shit looks smooth.

Smooth as fuck.

Smooth as fuck.

5. Add in the vegan butter and continue mixing until it is all melted. You’ll notice that the dip gets thicker as the butter melts.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.

6. Now add some salsa.

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!

7. This is where you can add the mustard to give it a tangy taste.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard...but...you can't. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard…but…you can’t. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.

8. Place a tortilla chip in the finished product to taste test. Be sure to move the chip around like a shark. Then feel guilty about eating the chip that you have anthropomorphized into a shark.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.

Use this as a dip for chips, crackers, or veggies. It also works on tacos, tamales, black beans, cats, and for an interesting mac n’ cheese sauce. It’ll probably last in your fridge for a while, but I’ve never been able to keep around longer than a week.

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better. 

Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better.

TitTips – Make This Shit Even Better:

  • More Flavor! Put some dried mushrooms in a blender and blend that shit into a fine powder. About half a cup of dried mushroom powder will give this dip an extra layer of wonderful flavor. Mix it in after you mix in the salsa.
  • Ferment It! This is actually very easy. Mix in some (a few tablespoons to half a cup) fermented salsa, kimchi juice, or some other tasty fermented brine. Then, put in an airtight container, and leave it in a closet or something for 3 to 5 days. You’ll know it worked if the shit you made starts to bubble.
  • Less Fatty! Get less fat by using half the amount of butter. I just tried it this way and it still tastes fucktacular.
  • No Added Oil! Make it with no added fat by omitting the butter and adding 1/4 a teaspoon of xantham gum.
  • No Added Oil 2.0! Omit the fuckin’ butter and add about 2-3 tablespoons of powdered wood ear mushrooms. It has to be wood ear mushrooms, other mushrooms don’t have the same magical properties as wood ear. These are the woodear mushrooms I use. Just put them in a blender until it turns into powder.

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