Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.
#Diabeetus
I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).
BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.
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He said unto the angel, “Thou should taste of this cake because it is fuckin’ delicious and gives no shits.”
The angel ate of the cake’s sweetness, and decreed the cake magnificent.
– Justin 20:13
Background
Facebook is shittacular fun, right? I don’t have problems with Facebook, since it allows me to keep in contact with a lot of friends. However, I know a lot of people, who hate themselves, and keep “friends” on Facebook. Notice the quotes around friends. If I were speaking, those quotes would be air quotes.
Anywho, a good friend of mine asked me to make a sign that reads “Nobody gives a shit”, so he can hold it up to some bitch, who he believes posts extra annoying status updates on Facebook. I informed him that this is the year I express feelings with cakes, and ways to make this idea even more horrible immediately began to flow.
Idea Formation
From this idea, I found out I am a big fan of juxtaposition. (Please don’t ask me to pronounce that word. That is why I posted a link to a site that does the pronunciation for you, asshole.) I decided that rainbows paired with shit were as opposite as opposites gets, and developed this artwork in Microsoft Paint. All the greatest artists of our time use MS Paint.
It all began with a simple idea that escalated to something fucktacular.
This will be on the wall of a museum one day.
I bet you didn’t think I knew how to art, but I can art the shit out of art.
This was my my first truly epic cake. However, I developed an unnatural fear with this cake: the fear of never being able to make a better cake than this cake. I instantly discounted this fear as twat-like and cowardly. I am like a fine, fuckin’ wine, and only get better with time.
Boxed Cakes: For the Fucktards of the Baking World
As a baker, box cakes are the bane of my existence. I’ve been asking people what their favorite kind of cake is, and a frequent answer is “Funfetti”. OMJesus! Could y’all be more uncreative? I have laid the world of desserts at your feet and you have chosen a simple, boxed cake that any asshole can make. Ugh.
With that being said, Funfetti was the perfect kind of cake to go with the rainbow-nobody-gives-a-shit-theme, since I didn’t give a shit about how tasty it would be. (FYI: I do weddings.)
Ingredients
Cake Development
First, you make the cake batter as indicated on the stupid box. Then, you can separate the batter into lots of different bowls and add some food coloring. I made six different colors, but do what you fuckin’ please.
Look at all the fuckin’ colors!
Next, start pouring the shitty batter into the parchment paper-lined jelly roll pans. If you are using the jelly roll pans, you don’t need to bake the cakes as long as indicated on the box. I think, I did about 10 minutes per mini layer.
Then, you can pull the baked layer out of the pan by the parchment paper, and flip that shit on a kitchen towel that you’ve pre-dusted with powdered sugar.
TitTip: Sometimes the layers may look funny (see picture below). That’s okay because you are going to cover it with icing and no one needs to know you fucked up.
Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there.
TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake, since that will burn your dick. Wait for it to cool and be a nice, warm cake.
Two mini layers of cake are about equal to one normal cake layer, so for every two mini layers of cake there’s one layer of icing. As always, do as you fuckin’ please. However, I’d respect you if you made six or more layers, or if you put icing between each mini layer. That would be a lot of god-damned icing, but I am a fan of icing and diabeetus.
Holy shit! This must be what unicorns eat for breakfast.
You’ll need a lot of icing colors for this cake, so you can make a proper rainbow complete with shit. Add the icing and food coloring (separate bowl for each color), and then stir the shit out of it until the icing is the color you desire.
Check out all the fuckin’ colors!
Then, decorate that shitty cake. Be sure to have your cute, shit-drawing friend handy. If you don’t have a shitty, cute friend, you probably won’t have cute shit. You’ll have nasty shit, and people will just vomit when they see your cake. I guess, vomiting cake-consumers are cool, if that’s what you are going for.
Beautiful fuckin’ art!
Eat That Shit
Now that you have properly documented your beautiful art, it is time to consume your art. There are a lot of layers, so be sure to do this shit properly.
Look at all the fizzworthy layers!
Because we don’t give a shit, we ate this cake outdoors with our hands in our animal masks. Yes, there are a group of strange graduate students in the ‘Murrican Midwest that own life-like, latex animal masks. We don’t get many photo ops, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity for us to all wear our masks and devour a cake.
Best family portrait ever? Or bestest family portrait ever?
It turns out that boxed cake is an aphrodisiac. Who knew? Pair boxed cakes with creepy animal masks, and you have a new, unique porn. You are very welcome, World.
Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex.
Also, this may the best collage in the history of the Interwebs.
Horses usually don’t give a shit. Therefore, a dude who wears a horse mask is a badass mother fucker who definitely doesn’t give a shit. Horse deserves his special place in the history of the Interwebs.
This badass mother fucker didn’t let the lack of plates stop him from getting to the cake. I guess, he’s too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass to give a shit.
Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…
Nevermind, keep wearing that shit with pride.
We couldn’t eat the cake with our masks on, so we had to take them off. Some of us couldn’t calm the fuck down, and starting jizzing and fizzing cake all over others’ faces. You would think this would be inappropriate behavior in a public place, but people were pretty cool with it, or just too scared to correct crazy people in animal masks.
We ate the cake with our hands and got that shit all over our faces. We are fuckin’ classy like that.
In the end, no one wanted to eat the cute shit. However, there was a friend, who claimed she would show up to the Cake Eating Extravaganza, but didn’t. I cut the cute shit out of the cake for her and saved it. When I delivered it to her, I said, “I saved this shit for you, since you are a shitty friend.”
And we haven’t spoken since.
Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.
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Background
I am a HUGE sportsball fan! Okay, you got me. I haven’t watched sportsball in years and don’t keep up with any teams or players. However, I used to play basketball in high school and my father owned a sports card and paraphernalia shop for many years, so I do know a decent amount about sports and many give me no credit for my knowledge in the area. In their defense, I make fun of sportsball almost every chance I get.
I was invited to a Super Bowl party earlier this year, since that’s when the Super Bowl takes place. I hardily laughed at the Facebook invite, but before I could make a comment mocking everyone about the Super Bowl, someone announced that they were bringing something fuckin’ delicious and wrapped in bacon (AKA: heaven). “Holy fuck!” I thought. I almost forgot that Sportsball is usually accompanied with delicious, unhealthy food. I changed my mind and decided to go. What would I bring to a Sportsball showdown? Brownies seemed like the kind of desserst appropriate for sportsball.
Construction
I got this recipe from my old lady cook book, so if you want it you should go buy a cook book from an old lady. Be sure to tell the old lady that you are going to veganize all the recipes in the cookbook. This will make her think you are cool as fuck, and she will probably want to adopt you.
I doubled the recipe because I thought it was too small. However, after I added the icing this shit was super rich, like fudge, so you may only need to make one. I don’t ever regret making too much, especially since I needed an extra large canvas for my art.
Check out the big ass brownie!
After letting this shit cool, you should add some fuckin’ shiny icing! This is the icing recipe I used. This can easily be made vegan by using a non-cow (or non-other animal milk), vegan butter, and vegan chocolate chips.
This icing was like motherfuckin’ fudge, which means it was amazing. However, many people complain about stuff being too sweet. To them I say, “Shut the fuck up! Also, you might try a lighter glaze or no icing at all.”
Look at all that beautiful fuckin’ icing.
After applying the icing, you need to let it sit for a bit. Then, you can ponder what you want to write on it. I knew I was going to say something about it being the Super Bowl, without actually saying Super Bowl. That’s when I decided I could cram together a bunch of different championship-type sportsball events. That is how “Sportsball World Tri-Series-Athon 2013!” was born.
The words didn’t really cover jackshit on the brownie, so I needed more. I really wanted to get a field goal on the true nature of sportsball. (Field goal was the right sportsball term, right?) I pondered on the true essence of sportsball for some time, like a couple of minutes, or something.
I had a shittacular idea! I would cram as many of the sportsballs on this brownie that I possibly could. I hope you can fuckin’ see because I don’t feel like telling you how I fucked up all the different sportsballs.
TitTip: Stick figures are really versatile and get to the point.
I am a motherfuckin’ artist!
Afterward
I posted the finished product on Facebook to share with my friends, and the people who attended my friend’s Sportsball World Tri-Series-Athon got to see and taste this.
The brownie ended up being interpretative art. The big dick-like thing in the stick figure’s hand was meant to be a baseball bat, but I fucked up the colors and most people thought it was a sword. I was fine with this interpretation, since sportsball would be, not only bearable, but awesome with swords. Dragons too.
I thought it would be fun to make up a sportsball of my very own, which is what in the other hand of the figure. Many thought it was a fried egg, which would also make sportsball more interesting for me. Quick! Someone invent this new sportsball! I think everyone involved in this new sportsball would be a winner.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 