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Tag Archives: Icing (food)

Put This Shit in Your Mouth: Vanilla Cake with Toasted Coconut Icing

8 Jul

Background

This cake was made for one of my most fucktacular friends. She likes cats, desserts, bragging about going to the gym, complaining about Leg Day, and makes me noms, so I made her a birthday cake.

If you want to be a good friend, you will make someone this cake too. Do it, don’t be an asshole.

Fuckin’ Ingredients

For the diabeetus cake:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour, the vegan kind
  • 1 teaspoon vegan baking soda
  • 4 teaspoons baking powder that fuckin’ vegans use
  • 1 teaspoon vegan salt
  • 2 1/4 cups of harm-free, vegan sugar
  • 1 cup veggie oil, the vegan kind
  • 3 teaspoons vegan vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon coconut extract, it better be vegan
  • 2 tablespoons vegan white vinegar
  • 3 cups milk, make sure that shit is vegan

For the fucktacular icing:

  • 1 cup shortening (Don’t use that animal fat shit. Make sure it’s vegan.)
  • 6 cups vegan powdered sugar
  • Prepared dry soy milk (or another type of dry vegan milk)
  • 2 vanilla beans, make sure you get the vegan ones
  • 1 bag of vegan toasted coconut flakes

*Note: I have learned one thing from reading a shitton of vegan cooking/baking blogs: Reiterate “vegan” on every ingredient, lest your audience forget they are looking at a vegan recipe. 

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Cake: 

1. First, you need make the vegan buttermilk. To do this, put the milk and vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for a bit. Maybe 10 minutes or so. I sort of forgot how long I let mine sit because I didn’t set a timer. The mixture will curdle a little bit, but it is supposed to so don’t fuckin’ worry about it.

Looks like a bowl of cum... Mmmmm...

Looks like a bowl of cum… Mmmmm…

2. Once your super vegan buttermilk has set, mix it with the oil and and the two ultra vegan extracts. Be sure to recheck your ingredients to make sure they are vegan as fuck.

3. Add all the dry, vegan ingredients into bowl with your other vegan ingredients.

4. Mix the shit out of them.

5. Then, mix that shit some more.

Mix all your vegan shit. 

Mix all your vegan shit.

6. Make sure your batter is all smooth n’ shit.

7. Pour that shit you just made into two 9-inch pans that are nicely lubed up with vegan lube (AKA: an oil of your choosing).

8. Put it in the oven for about 35-45 minutes at 350 degrees, or until that shit is the lightest of browns and is slightly separating from the side of the pan.

9. When it is done, let that shit cool on a wire rack.

Fuck. You are awesome at making VEGAN cakes now.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

All of these pictures have VEGAN ingredients.

Follow These Fuckin’ Steps For The Icing: 

1. Veganly (you know, with the least harm possible) whip up the shortening.

2. Slowly mix in some powdered sugar.

3. As you are adding in powdered sugar, add in the vegan milk, tablespoons at a time, to make the icing more or less thick (depending on your fuckin’ tastes).

4. Cut open the vanilla beans and mix that shit in too. If you want, you can add some coconut extract (a teaspoon or two) for extra vegan goodness.

Making vegans fat. 

Making vegans fat one icing at a time.

Spread that shit on the first layer and cram some toasted coconut on top. Add the next cake layer, and slather that fucktacular icing all over the cake. Then, try to put some more toasted coconut on the top and side of your cake to make that shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

Make your shit look nice.

TitTip: Add a border around the edge of your cakes to make them super, fuckin’ classy.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

I even put a border to add an extra level of class.

FYFI: I’m cool with being vegan and other vegans; however, anyone can be annoying, including beautiful vegans. One of those things is to keep saying the ingredients throughout a vegan recipe are vegan. I KNOW THEY ARE! THAT’S WHY I CHOSE THIS FUCKIN’ RECIPE!

I wanted to take anyone who reads this post through that annoying journey. You are so fuckin’ welcome! However, I promise to not be this fuckin’ annoying in the future. Once is funny. Twice makes me an asshole.

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Hashtag Cake

29 Jan

Hashtags on Twitter. Hashtags on Faecbook. What’s next hashtags on cake? Too late, fuckers.

#Diabeetus

#Diabeetus

I’ve made this unicorn poop cake for the same fuckin’ friend for the last three years. Last year’s cake probably contained the worst message I’ve ever written on a cake (so far).

BTFW: Don’t look too close, assholes. You’ll see how I made an outline with a toothpick, and then didn’t follow the fuckin’ outline or smooth that shit out.

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Check Meowt, Fuckers!

23 Oct

One time I made a cake about a bad class, but not all classes and students are bad. Sometimes all the best students join together in one class and gives the instructor hope for the future. This was for one of those fucktacular classes.

Skew you, bitches. 

Skew you, bitches.

Seriously, start putting more graphs on cakes. Next time a pie chart made of actual pie.

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Fuck Itself Diabetes Should

9 Oct

This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.

Fun to make cake is. 

Fun to make cake is.

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Tres Leches + Tequila = Fucked Up Baking

25 Sep

Sober Background

A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.

Veganize it! What did you say? Tres leches can’t be vegan, it means three milks, shithead. Fuck your negativity, bro. There are so many vegan milks that veganizing tres leches is easy. You can use a vegan butter for the butter in the recipe and VeganEgg instead of eggs. Substituting the milks is where you can get really fuckin’ creative. The whole milk can be replaced with any of your favorite vegan milks like coconut, flax, soy, almond, and so many others. The sweetened condensed milk can be replaced with Sweetened Condensed Coconut Milk. The evaporated milk can be replaced by grabbing any vegan milk, bringing it to a boil, and then letting it simmer for 30 to 45 minutes. The heavy cream can be reaplced with coconut cream.

FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…

While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.

Drunken Baking

Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.

Booze-y berries FTW!

Booze-y berries FTW!

After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.

  1. Some sort of baking procedure.
  2. Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
  3. Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.

  1. Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
  2. Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
  3. Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
  4. Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
  5. Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
  6. Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
  7. Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.

FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.

Am I in the kitchen?

Am I in the kitchen?

Seriously, I’m a great photographer.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Sober Baking = Lame Baking

After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.

No more shots...

No more shots…

This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.

El pastel es una mentira.

El pastel es una mentira.

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