Sober Background
A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.
Veganize it! What did you say? Tres leches can’t be vegan, it means three milks, shithead. Fuck your negativity, bro. There are so many vegan milks that veganizing tres leches is easy. You can use a vegan butter for the butter in the recipe and VeganEgg instead of eggs. Substituting the milks is where you can get really fuckin’ creative. The whole milk can be replaced with any of your favorite vegan milks like coconut, flax, soy, almond, and so many others. The sweetened condensed milk can be replaced with Sweetened Condensed Coconut Milk
FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…
While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.
Drunken Baking
Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.
Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!
At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.
Booze-y berries FTW!
After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.
- Some sort of baking procedure.
- Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
- Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.
Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.
- Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
- Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
- Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
- Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
- Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
- Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
- Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.
FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.
1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.
You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.
The kitchen was well-lit as shit.
I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.
Am I in the kitchen?
Seriously, I’m a great photographer.
Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.
Sober Baking = Lame Baking
After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.
No more shots…
This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.
El pastel es una mentira.
__________
The Foul-Mouthed Baker 
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