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Tag Archives: vegan cream cheese

Vegan Cream Cheese Icing 2 Ways

25 May

Are you sad because cream cheese icing isn’t vegan? Well, unfuck yourself and get happy because vegan cream cheese icing is not only possible but totally tits.

There are two ways to make this vegan shit. Each way is based on your level of laziness:

  1. For the Lazy Fuckers: There are less ingredients this way.
  2. For the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers: Requires more ingredients and measuring, but it’s still pretty fuckin’ easy.
Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Use vegan cream cheese icing to write inspirational shit in perfect handwriting.

Way 1 – The Shit the Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1/2 cup vegan butter, softened
  • 8 oz of vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Way 2 – The Shit the Slightly Less Lazy Fuckers Will Need: 

  • 1 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 3-4 cups of powdered sugar
  • 1-3 tablespoons of vegan milk
  • 1/2 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice
  • 1/4 teaspoon of salt

Making This Shit (Both Type of Fuckers):

  1. Cream the cream cheese and butter (or just butter, if you are a slightly less lazy fucker).
  2. Put the remaining ingredients in the fuckin’ bowl and mix that shit until it is smooth.

TitTips:

  • For both recipes, slowly add the powdered sugar to get the icing consistency you want. More powdered sugar = thicker icing.
  • For both recipes, add more milk if you make it too fuckin’ thick. You shouldn’t need milk if you are a lazy fucker, but just in case you fuck this shit up and somehow make it too thick…
I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

I use Kite Hill, which is way better than any cream cheese shit made from milk meant for a baby cow.

Mix that shit.

Mix that shit.

So fuckin' smooth.

So fuckin’ smooth.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Put that shit on carrot cupcakes. Or a spoon. Or your finger.

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him...

Watch and take pictures as your cat rudely steals your icing. No reason to stop him…

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Just Add Gay

10 Oct

This red velvet cake was a salute to a lady who likes ladies. You know who you are. *winky face*

The secret is out!

The secret is out!

This was the recipe I used, but I added a dash of gay to give it just a hint of fabulous.

Veganize that shit: As with most recipes, this one was easy to veganize. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

FYFI: You may be thinking, “I haven’t seen a bottle of gay in the supermarket. How do I get gay?”. Don’t fret, straight ally, I am super fuckin’ nice, so I will share the secret of getting gay in four easy steps. (Don’t forget to bring a jar so you can save your gay for future baked goods.)

  1. Locate a homosexual. (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!)
  2. Gain the trust of the homosexual. Or get the homosexual drunk.
  3. Secretly expose the homosexual to something he/she is allergic to (e.g., a Southern state, non-organic foods, a Republican senator, etc.) or you can tickle their nose with a sensual feather.
  4. Open your jar and hold it out to catch their magical sneeze juices.

That’s it? Yes, it is that easy! I always couple a drunk homosexual with the sensual feather tickle. I think that is the most effective, fastest, and fun combination for both the tickler and the tickle-ee, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This was a pretty good cake, but next time I will add more gay. TitTip: You can never have too much gay.

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