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Tag Archives: moist

Celebrate Halloween With This Moist Delight

31 Oct

I made a giant, vodka-infused Jello*-shot skull for a friend. This shit will get you drunk, and give you a mysterious, moist hickey**.

**RESULTS MAY VARY

*Jello is not vegan, but you can use Jel, which is a vegan substitute for Jello. Now we are making a giant Jel-shot.

Ingredients

  • Fuck load of Jel flavors (your choice)
  • Sweetened condensed coconut milk
  • ShitTon of Unflavored Jel
  • Cheap vodka (Don’t spend money on fuckin’ Grey Goose, or some other snooty shit.)
  • Water (to moisten this shit)
  • Cooking oil spray (I used coconut oil)

Construction

This is what I did to make the vodka-infused Je;-shots:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water (WARNING: Contents will be fuckin’ hot! Don’t touch that shit!)
  2. Mix in one package of flavored Jel
  3. Make sure the Jel powder is completely dissolved in the water
  4. Mix in half a cup of cheap, shitty vodka
  5. Spray the bottom of your container with the oil (this will help it slide out of the container later)
  6. Repeat the last steps to make more colors/flavors
  7. Refrigerate that shit for about 3 hours. Don’t worry, your Jel won’t dry out! It will still be moist.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I'm healthy.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I’m healthy.

  8. Remove your Jel-shots from the fridge
  9. Cut Jel-shots into the desired shapes. I wanted my finished product to resemble a colorful, Day of the Dead skull, so I used a flower cookie cutter and a knife to cut out hearts and other shapes. You can do whatever the fuck you want.
  10. Dip the bottom of your Jel container in some warm water for about 15 – 30 seconds, and loosen the edges of the Jel from the container with some sort of Jel-loosening-object.
  11. Now, you should be able to easily remove those cunty, lil’ Jel-shots. Because I’m so fucktacular, I perfected three techniques to share with you:
  • Technique #1: press wax paper on the Jel, flip it over on a flat surface (that shit should slide right out), and pull your shapes out.
  • Technique #2: Rip the excess Jel from around the shapes and then easily pull the shapes out.
  • Technique #3: “Accidentally” rip all your shapes, so you are forced to eat them all and start all over.

Next, I sprayed oil on my skull pan, and placed my Jel-shot shapes all over the fuckin’ pan.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

To make the white part of the skull:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water
  2. Mix in 3 – 4 packets of unflavored Jel until dissolved
  3. Mix in equal parts of the sweetened condensed cocobut milk and shitty vodka (about 3/4 cups)
  4. Let that shit cool (WARNING: If you don’t let this shit cool, it may melt the Jel-shots you already have in the pan. Don’t fuck this shit up.)
  5. Pour it into the pan.
  6. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours, to let the Jel-shots set in with the white Jel.

You can repeat making the white Jel until your pan is full. Always refrigerating for, at least, 3 hours.

TitTip: I don’t waste alcohol, so instead of adding just more white stuff, I put in all the excess Jel-shot remains. I don’t fuckin’ waste shit, and the extra color makes this shit much more fuckin’ festive.

Colorful ass shit.

Colorful ass shit.

Once your Jel has set, do what you did before: submerge this shit into warm water, scrape the fuckin’ edges, and let it slide out on to a plate or some other flat surface.

Moist is a Pretty Cool Word

Did you know that some people don’t like the word “moist“. I don’t understand this word aversion, since moist is such a wonderful word, like “cake” and “cunt”. Also, moist is the only word that can appropriately describe certain things, like cakes and cunts.

The friend I made this for hates the word moist, but loves Jel-shots.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

When I presented the giant Jel-shot to my friend, she immediately ate the “M” so she didn’t have to see the word “MOIST” anymore.

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Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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