Tag Archives: craft store


18 Jul

Whenever someone asks me about my stance on abortion, I confidently respond that I have a moral obligation as an American to be pro-cake. I don’t care if you are pro-choice or otherwise, as long as the discussion, decision, debate, abortion, filibuster, and /or rally ends with a sweet slice of cake.

To celebrate my friend’s decision to remain pregnant and shit out a beautiful, baby covered in her vagina particles, I made her a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

Veganize that shit: Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Cake Decorations

I can’t draw, so I bought some creepy, plastic babies to decorate the cake from a craft store that only had the choice of white or black babies. I know, some of you are thinking, “That’s racist!” But it isn’t, and I will tell you why. There are the only two types of newborn babies: black and white. All human babies are born either white or black, but some of them grow into other types of babies (ex: Asian, Hispanic, Canadian, etc). This is not common knowledge among people who haven’t given birth to a baby that didn’t turn out white or black. I always learn so much from my visits to ultra-conservative craft stores.

Here's a close up of the creepy cracker babies. DAT ASS!

Here’s a close up of the creepy cracker babies.

Original Idea

My original idea for this cake was to write “Don’t forget to eat the placenta!”, and put a gruesome pile of afterbirth in the middle of the cake. Eventually, I decided that this might be too gruesome and people would be afraid to eat a cake made in the image of afterbirth.

Lawmakers should threaten poor women with this idea. It would go like this:

Conservative, law-making dude: Poor women of child-bearing potential, especially minorities, we know sex is great, but if you get pregnant we are going to force feed you a cake with afterbirth drawn on it.

Poor women of child-bearing potential: Ew. We don’t want to eat that, so we will abstain from sex.

Sounds like a pretty fuckin’ effective birth control method to me. It’s at least as effective as abstinence-only education.

You’re welcome, ‘Murrica.