Tag Archives: candy

Holy Fuck! Lollipops Have a Day of Their Own?

20 Jul

Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.

To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

"REDRUM" backwards is "MURDER".

“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.

Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

Pedo-Pops

I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.

I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)

These are about the size of a child's head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

Learning is Fun!

This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.

One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.

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Diabeetus-Free Fudge for my Father on Fudge Day

16 Jun

Say that shit three times fast: “Diabeetus-Free Fudge for my Father on Fudge Day. Diabeetus Fuck Fudge for my Father on Fuck Day. Diabeetus for my Father on the Day we Fudge. Fuck.”

Background

Hey, it’s Fudge Day! We should all take a moment to think about all the fuckin’ amazing things fudge has done for us and all the wonderful times we’ve had. Let’s see….there was that stomach ache, well, lots of stomach aches, a fuckton of toothaches, followed by a couple of cavities, and finally diabeetus. Thanks, Fudge!

Wait… you are kind of a fuckstick, Fudge, but I forgive you because you are delicious.

Today also happens to be Father’s Day, which, I guess, is important too. My father loves fudge, so I decided to make him fudge for Fudge Day, err, I mean, Father’s Day.  Unfortunately, my father already has diabeetus, so I needed to make him some diabeetus-free fudge.

Impossible you say? If you want that diabeetus-free fudge to taste good the answer is: Yes, it is impossible. If you don’t care how the fudge tastes then the answer is: Sure, why the fuck not?

Recipe

Here is the fudge recipe I picked out. This recipe wasn’t good at all, it barely resembled diabeetus-filled-fudge. I fizz for fudge. However, this shit made me want to eat something lame, like a vegetable or nothing, since I wasn’t hungry.

Veganize this shit: You could make this vegan, but it will taste horrible either way. I only posted this to document a fail, but I will have to make my own healthy-ish fudge one day. It will be vegan. And it will be amazing.

Usually as I am making cakes, cookies, or other confections, they look fuckin’ amazing throughout the whole process. However, as I was making this fudge, there was never a point in time that it ever appeared appetizing. I started off  melting some fuckin’ bricks of chocolate down to something resembling soggy manure or what you might find in a clogged toilet. After the chocolate was completely melted, I mixed some peanut butter into the mixture and it looked like the contents of a stinky baby’s diaper. Adding the peanuts did this mixture no favors.

There has never existed more unappetizing fudge before. 

There has never existed more unappetizing fudge before.

Because I stick with ideas until the bitter end, I still wanted to write something on this fudge (since that’s what I do). I used a sugar-free icing to write on the diabeetus-free fudge. It was also fuckin’ disgusting, so there’s no need to share the recipe.

Looks like a sick dick sneezed in my mixing bowl.

Looks like a sick dick sneezed in my mixing bowl.

Thoughts on this Confection

If you visit the page for this fudge recipe you will see that it got four stars. How in holy fuck did it get four stars?

Even after I refrigerated this fudge for hours, it never made it to a fudge-like consistency (e.g. it fell apart in my hand and some chocolate smeared on my fingers after only touching it for a few seconds). I guess, when you have diabeetus you have different standards for fudge. Wait….Fudge is supposed to be delicious. Sugar-free fudge must be just the beginning of a larger government conspiracy. Thanks, OBAMA!

I bet you are wondering how one man can do so much damage to, not only ‘Murrica, but also to such delicious treats. Well, there is more than one Obama, and obviously this is the work of Michelle. I get it, Michelle. Obesity is a big (in more ways than one) problem in ‘Murrica, but leave fudge out of this War on Obesity. You will abandon the Battle on Fudge, or you will have made a powerful enemy. (FYI: that powerful enemy is me, and I am crazy fuckin’ powerful. You have been warned.)

Final Product

Thanks, Obama!

Thanks, Obama!

I was going to mail this to my father, since he lives far away. However, since this fudge didn’t turn out like real, sturdy fudge, it was un-mail-able. The fudge would have arrived as a mass of shitty peanut chocolate.

Thanks, for the worst Fudge Day ever, Obama!

Fuck, I mean, worst Father’s Day ever!

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