A’hoy, me hearties! Me day as a baker be long ‘n harrrd, but always ends in a vast treasure ‘o desserts. T’ bakin’ day begins wit’ me on a supply quest at a behemoth warehouse store.
What t’ shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o’ bakin’ supplies. Seven pounds o’ sugar and Cris’o!
Once I return to me home port, I search through me current supplies ‘n spy wit’ me one jolly ol’ eye what gunna be of use to me.
Side Tale: I lost t’ other eye in a sword fight wit’ a rival baker! That picaroon tried to hornswaggle me out ‘o t’ best chocolate chips ‘o t’ seven seas, n’ thar be a huge bounty on that wench’s head. T’ sea wench be tough, but I only lost t’ eye n’ she went below wit’ her boat n’ crew to Davy Jones’ locker! I be no swashbuckler, but I be knowin’ me way ’round a sword. I salute that sea wench ‘n me right eye by pourin’ me some spiced grog ‘n drinkin’ five tankards every year on t’ anniversary ‘o t’ event.
Me freezer be filled wit’ icin’, dough, ‘n cakes. Thar always be rum ‘n spirits in t’ freezer. I drink a few tankards ‘o t’ spiced rum before I start me bakin’. I love spiced grog!
Drinkin’ spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t’ bakin’ pirate’s scurvy life.
At t’ end ‘o me bakin’ day, I fill a chest wit’ baked goods. No doubloons in ’tis chest! Some would consider t’ cookies a more lovely booty, since doubloons be not a real currency now ‘o days.
Look at t’ amazin’ booty! No, sea hag gunna have any ‘o ’tis.
On most days, a wild strumpet be comin’ around me treasure ‘n asked to take a look, but me ‘n me friend, Ol’ Peg-Leg McGee , along wit’ his trusty parrot came ‘n made that harlot eat shit-barnacles. (FYFI: Shit-barnacles no be tastin’ jolly, but be a cure fer hangovers.)
Be Needin’ Help ‘n Shoutin’ Like a Scurvy Pirate?
I used a couple ‘o different scurvy pirate translators ‘n pages to help me shout like a pirate n’ not a sea hag or a wee lass! Check ’em out:
- Post Like a Pirate: I had a jolly hour wit’ this translator. It be tryin’ to change “cat” to “sea monster”, “cunt” to “lady part”, ‘n “bitch” to “scallywag”. Harrharr!
- A Pirate’s Glossary of Terms: It lists a bounty ‘o wonderful scurvy pirate terms.
- Talk Like a Pirate Day: News fer Speak Like a Scurvy Pirate Day.
- Causin’ a Ruckas: Other people causin’ a ruckas wit’ ’tis fine day.
- Awilda: A scurvy lady pirate, ‘n me favorite wench. Cap’n Rusted Hook ain’t got nothin’ on ’tis lass. T’ more ye be knowin’!
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1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.
The Foul-Mouthed Baker 