Don’t Let the Dark Side Ruin Your Nameday, Harry Potter.

31 Jul

Today is Harry Potter’s Name Day, but he’s dead, right? Instead, I will tell you about the time I was tasked with making a chocolate birthday cake for Professor McGonagall.

You are probably wondering why a powerful wizard of the Light Side would task a muggle with making a cake. The answer is: I have no fuckin’ clue. Prof McGonagall said she would give me a sock and not kill me if I made her a cake. I’m not sure why I would want a sock, but I didn’t want to die; therefore, I decided making her a cake would be in my best interest.

The Epic Adventure: Making a Cake

Very early in this epic adventure, I made the mistake of an apprentice baker: I burned the fuckin’ cake. This burnt cake was clearly the work of the Dark Side. I needed to call upon the help of a higher power, for the witch, McGonagall, would surely have my head if I presented her with a burnt cake.

To call upon the forces of good, I went outside and found the steepest cliff within miles of my oven. I whispered “Valar Morghulis” as I jumped off the cliff, but Falcor caught me on his back right before I splattered on the ground into a million muggle pieces. I told the luck dragon about my burnt cake dilemma, but he was on his way to help end a story that he thought, “would never fuckin’ end”. Falcor dropped me off with someone he thought could assist me: the Goblin King (AKA: David Bowie).

The Goblin King tried to entertain me with dance magic, while he played with a crystal ball, but this didn’t help with my problem. Just as I was starting to get really panicked about my imminent death, Eric Northman was in front of me holding the still-beating heart of the Goblin King.

After Eric consoled me with his sexy sex, he told me that if I held the Goblin King’s heart while chanting “Live long and prosper” I would not burn the cake again. With Eric’s wizard spell, I was able to successfully construct a chocolate cake for the she-wolf McGonagall. She was pleased with my offering and let me keep my life.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

I will never forget what I learned during my epic journey, which can be summed up in one epic quote:

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.


After Falcor finished off that really long story he came back to chill with me. However, he was soon summoned to take care of another problem: white walkers. Falcor and I slayed all of the white walkers, restored peace to the realm, and stole a super shiny ring from some hobo-like creature that referred to the ring as “my precious”. We pawned the ring for booze money and got wasted. It was the bestest day ever.

FYFI: Luck dragons need a fuckton of booze to get wasted.

This is the greatest work of Harry Potter fan-fiction ever. Tell your friends.


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