Ice cream cakes are fucktacular, so make them often to improve your chances of diabeetus.
Ice cream cake > cake
This was a green tea ice cream cake. I used this cake, but added two layers of green tea ice cream to make it even fuckin’ better.
This cake got the shit nommed out of it.
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I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.
Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.
I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.
Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.
Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.
The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.
Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.
Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!
Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.
Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!
Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.
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Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.
1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.
2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.
3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!
Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!
I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!
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Background
The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?
Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.
*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel
Cake Construction
The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.
This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!
I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!
This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.
I heart my friends.
This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.
FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.
This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.
I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.
Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.
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White people have a certain talent for mis-guessing the nationalities of other people, especially Asians. I have a cracker friend who tried to argue the nationality of our mutual Vietnamese friend, Mikki, and insisted she was Korean. Good thing for him, our friend has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny. The joke lingered for a while and friends decided she was North Korean, since North Korea is bestest Korea.
Mikki is crazy about green tea flavored shit, so I decided to make her a green tea cake with a special message from most supreme leader, Kim Jong Un.
Veganize that shit: The green tea cake recipe is very easy to make vegan. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg
For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.
I’ve had my eye on the Most Fucktacular Baker title in North Korea for a while now, so I really hope Kimmy sees this and recognizes my talent.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 