Tag Archives: Birthday Cake

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

4 Jul

Today is the birthday of the greatest nation on Earth: ‘Murica!

I made a cookie big enough to fuck up Lady Liberty’s blood glucose levels.

Ingredients

  • 2 giant cookies
  • 1 dash of fuckin’ justice
  • 4 1/2 teaspoons of misogyny
  • 3 asstons of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • 1 cup of liberty
  • 2 tablespoons of ethnocentrism
  • All the pride you can muster (which should be a fuckton, unless you are a foreigner)

Add all the ingredients together and you have the best fuckin’ birthday cake this nation, or any other nation, has ever laid eyes upon.

'Murica! Fuck Yeah!

‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

I contemplated deep-frying the whole thing. Or topping it in deep-fried butter. Or both.

Instead, I just drew some butter and a Big Gulp in the eagle’s talons. Drawing the butter was easier than deep-frying butter or the whole cookie. I am an ‘Murican, therefore I am lazy.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Happy fuckin’ birthday, Murrica!

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Dicktacular Cookie Cake

31 May

Background

My BFF (AKA: Fatty) really loves my chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, he’s been the cookie’s number one fan for years (sometimes I think he is only my friend in the hopes that I will bring him more cookies), so I decided to make him a giant fuckin’ cookie cake for his birthday.  A couple of things you should know about Fatty that might make this cookie cake more amusing for you:

  1. I call him “Fatty” because, well, he’s fat. Why else would you call someone “Fatty”? I care about his health and want him to change, and I know no other way to promote a healthy lifestyle than shaming him into one.
  2. This was actually for his 29th birthday. I was hoping to freak him out by making him think he was a year older than he really was. The reason he was a year older was because his wifey was pregnant, and everyone knows a pregnant wife ages you one year. (He’s totally getting a “Happy 40th B-day, Fatty!” cake next year.)
  3. He LOVES the cock. Seriously….he’s always drawing penii everywhere, or talking about penii, or just whipping his dick out in public. I think he has a condition, and, yes, I have advised him to seek help. I’d hope reading it here would help him see how sick he is, but he’ll probably just stare at his dick instead of reading this.

Cookie Cake Development

First, you make the best chocolate chip cookie dough in the motherfuckin’ world! (I may post the recipe one day.) Then, you grab a big ass hunk of that dough, pat it down in a circle, and bake it until it is done. It should be light brown on the edge, and in my oven on a pizza pan it took about 10 minutes per layer.

Repeat, so you can get two cookies. Keep repeating if you want, I don’t give a flying fuck what you do. I guess, how many layers you make will depend on how  fast you want to get DIABEETUS.

Then, let that shit cool. Warm cookies are totally tits, but the icing will melt off of a warm cookie. Heed my words of wisdom!

After you let that shit cool, spread a shitload of icing on it. I prefer Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, but do whatever you want. You could try some chocolate buttercream icing. I bet that would be amazing!

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

Then, you can put the other cookie on top to make a giant fuckin’ cookie cake.

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

Write a sentimental message on the cookie (see picture below for example). You could also try these festive messages for turning 30:

  1. You’re 30? Blame Obama.
  2. Our elderly population is growing everyday, and you are not helping it any. Please die now and help save the planet.
  3. I’m sorry, should I have written this louder for you, old fucker?
  4. Bet you never thought you’d live to see 30 after that failed suicide attempt last year.
  5. You’re 30? Great! Lemon parties are at your place from now on!
I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

For an added treat, draw dicks on that cookie that are big enough to intimidate Ron Jeremy. If you don’t think Ron Jeremy would feel inferior next to your penii drawings, then you are doing it wrong.

If you did it wrong, eat that cookie cake and start over. Repeat until you get that shit right. If you never get it right, please don’t tell people you got the idea on my blog and drag my good name in the dirt. I have worked pretty fuckin’ hard to be taken seriously as a baker, and I won’t have you ruining it with your shitty cookie.

Look at those beautiful penii!

Look at those beautiful penii!

Delivery

I made the cake for Fatty, but he lived about 750 miles away. After reading a lot about how to ship dainty desserts far away, I adhered to the directions and tips I felt like adhering to. I’m a fuckin’ adult, so don’t tell me how to ship my DIABEETUS!

I froze it in a pizza box, wrapped it in a fuckton of newspaper, and wrote “Fuckin’ Fragile”, “Do NOT shake me like your baby”, and “Handle me like you would tits: With care” all over it.

As you can see in the below picture, all my warnings to the USPS did me no good. It was broken in half, some of the wording was smashed, and delivered to a fuckin’ pussy.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

TitTip 

If friends don’t love and respect you enough to live in the same city as you, then they don’t deserve a fuckin’ cake. Don’t send cakes (or giant cookies) in the mail. The result is heartache and sexts of cat vomit.

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