Tag Archives: Cake

Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Cake Doesn’t Give a Shit

11 Jun

He said unto the angel, “Thou should taste of this cake because it is fuckin’ delicious and gives no shits.”

The angel ate of the cake’s sweetness, and decreed the cake magnificent.

–  Justin 20:13

Background

Facebook is shittacular fun, right? I don’t have problems with Facebook, since it allows me to keep in contact with a lot of friends. However, I know a lot of people, who hate themselves, and keep “friends” on Facebook. Notice the quotes around friends. If I were speaking, those quotes would be air quotes.

Anywho, a good friend of mine asked me to make a sign that reads “Nobody gives a shit”, so he can hold it up to some bitch, who he believes posts extra annoying status updates on Facebook. I informed him that this is the year I express feelings with cakes, and ways to make this idea even more horrible immediately began to flow.

Idea Formation

From this idea, I found out I am a big fan of juxtaposition. (Please don’t ask me to pronounce that word. That is why I posted a link to a site that does the pronunciation for you, asshole.) I decided that rainbows paired with shit were as opposite as opposites gets, and developed this artwork in Microsoft Paint. All the greatest artists of our time use MS Paint.

It all begins with a simple idea that escalates to something fucktacular.

It all began with a simple idea that escalated to something fucktacular.
This will be on the wall of a museum one day.

I bet you didn’t think I knew how to art, but I can art the shit out of art.

This was my my first truly epic cake. However, I developed an unnatural fear with this cake: the fear of never being able to make a better cake than this cake. I instantly discounted this fear as twat-like and cowardly. I am like a fine, fuckin’ wine, and only get better with time.

Boxed Cakes: For the Fucktards of the Baking World

As a baker, box cakes are the bane of my existence. I’ve been asking people what their favorite kind of cake is, and a frequent answer is “Funfetti”. OMJesus! Could y’all be more uncreative? I have laid the world of desserts at your feet and you have chosen a simple, boxed cake that any asshole can make. Ugh.

With that being said, Funfetti was the perfect kind of cake to go with the rainbow-nobody-gives-a-shit-theme, since I didn’t give a shit about how tasty it would be. (FYI: I do weddings.)

Ingredients

  • 2 boxes of vegan cake mix, plus sprinkles
  • 1 Cute, friend, who draws the cutest shit on Earth
  • FuckTon of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze (I will never use canned icing. That crap is disgusting.)
  • Food Colors of your choice (The perfect shit brown color is my special secret.)
  • Jelly Roll Pans
  • Parchment Paper (easier to get the cake out of the fuckin’ pans)
  • Powdered sugar (keeps your shitty cake less sticky)
  • Kitchen towels

Cake Development

First, you make the cake batter as indicated on the stupid box. Then, you can separate the batter into lots of different bowls and add some food coloring. I made six different colors, but do what you fuckin’ please.

So fuckin’ colorful!

Look at all the fuckin’ colors!

Next, start pouring the shitty batter into the parchment paper-lined jelly roll pans. If you are using the jelly roll pans, you don’t need to bake the cakes as long as indicated on the box. I think, I did about 10 minutes per mini layer.

Then, you can pull the baked layer out of the pan by the parchment paper, and flip that shit on a kitchen towel that you’ve pre-dusted with powdered sugar.

TitTip: Sometimes the layers may look funny (see picture below). That’s okay because you are going to cover it with icing and no one needs to know you fucked up.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there. TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake. Wait for it to cool.

Oops….looks like someone stuck their dick in there.
TitTip: Don’t stick you dick in hot cake, since that will burn your dick. Wait for it to cool and be a nice, warm cake.

Two mini layers of cake are about equal to one normal cake layer, so for every two mini layers of cake there’s one layer of icing. As always, do as you fuckin’ please. However, I’d respect you if you made six or more layers, or if you put icing between each mini layer. That would be a lot of god-damned icing, but I am a fan of icing and diabeetus.

Two layers of thin cake for every two layers of cake.

Holy shit! This must be what unicorns eat for breakfast.

You’ll need a lot of icing colors for this cake, so you can make a proper rainbow complete with shit. Add the icing and food coloring (separate bowl for each color), and then stir the shit out of it until the icing is the color you desire.

Fuckin’ colors!

Check out all the fuckin’ colors!

Then, decorate that shitty cake. Be sure to have your cute, shit-drawing friend handy. If you don’t have a shitty, cute friend, you probably won’t have cute shit. You’ll have nasty shit, and people will just vomit when they see your cake. I guess, vomiting cake-consumers are cool, if that’s what you are going for.

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Beautiful fuckin’ art!

Eat That Shit

Now that you have properly documented your beautiful art, it is time to consume your art. There are a lot of layers, so be sure to do this shit properly.

Look at the colorful layers!

Look at all the fizzworthy layers!

Because we don’t give a shit, we ate this cake outdoors with our hands in our animal masks. Yes, there are a group of strange graduate students in the ‘Murrican Midwest that own life-like, latex animal masks. We don’t get many photo ops, but this seemed like the perfect opportunity for us to all wear our masks and devour a cake.

Ready to eat cake!

Best family portrait ever? Or bestest family portrait ever?

It turns out that boxed cake is an aphrodisiac. Who knew? Pair boxed cakes with creepy animal masks, and you have a new, unique porn. You are very welcome, World.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex. Not a lot of love.

Eating cake inspires love and lots of sex. Mostly sex.
Also, this may the best collage in the history of the Interwebs.

Horses usually don’t give a shit. Therefore, a dude who wears a horse mask is a badass mother fucker who definitely doesn’t give a shit. Horse deserves his special place in the history of the Interwebs.

Badass motherfuckin’ Horse doesn’t give a shit. Too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass.

This badass mother fucker didn’t let the lack of plates stop him from getting to the cake. I guess, he’s too busy being a mother fuckin’ badass to give a shit.

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…

Yo, badass mother fucker, you got a little something there…
Nevermind, keep wearing that shit with pride.

We couldn’t eat the cake with our masks on, so we had to take them off. Some of us couldn’t calm the fuck down, and starting jizzing and fizzing cake all over others’ faces. You would think this would be inappropriate behavior in a public place, but people were pretty cool with it, or just too scared to correct crazy people in animal masks.

We got a little crazy with the cake.

We ate the cake with our hands and got that shit all over our faces. We are fuckin’ classy like that.

In the end, no one wanted to eat the cute shit. However, there was a friend, who claimed she would show up to the Cake Eating Extravaganza, but didn’t. I cut the cute shit out of the cake for her and saved it. When I delivered it to her, I said, “I saved this shit for you, since you are a shitty friend.”

And we haven’t spoken since.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

Not even crazy, fucked up people in animal masks wanted to eat shit.

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Is it Bacon or a Penis?

31 May

***Update: I wrote this before I went vegan, and while re-reading it hurts me deep inside my bleeding fuckin’ vegan heart…I decided to leave this post in its entirety while revamping this blog to make everything vegan. It’s interesting to see how much my views have changed in just a couple of years.

And now for a look back into a non-vegan’s inner-most, deep-down thoughts. Spoiler alert: My thoughts weren’t that deep or clever.***

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I know what you are thinking: “Does it matter if it is bacon or a penis? These are both spectacular things!” You are right, sir or madam.

Background

A friend of mine was defending her dissertation, and I wanted to make her a congratulatory cake to celebrate the occasion. She’s vegan, so I needed to make a vegan cake. Did you know vegans don’t eat meat or any product made from an animal? That includes, to my surprise, butter, milk, and eggs. Way to be difficult and cunty, vegans.

Cake

I looked up chocolate vegan cake recipes on the Interwebs, and decided on this one.

This was the best chocolate cake ever, seriously. I have traded my old stand-by chocolate cake recipe for this one. I know, smug vegans everywhere are fuckin’ celebrating, but I’m okay with that because they have delicious cake. People who have delicious treats can do whatever they want as far as I’m fuckin’ concerned. With that, I retract my previous comment on vegans being cunty. My bad, you have your delicious reasons.

Now, after making the cake I needed to shape it like bacon because vegans love bacon, right? I studied bacon for hours to get the shape just right. I looked at pictures of bacon. I went to the store and looked at all the different types of bacon: smoked applewood bacon, turkey bacon, thick cut bacon, think cut bacon, low sodium bacon, etc. I cooked up multiples types of bacon and tried them all. However, I threw away the excess bacon, since I was making a vegan cake. Vegans don’t like to eat meat, so I thought it would be disrespectful to eat too much bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Already looks like bacon.

Next, I needed to ice the cake, but I didn’t use the icing recipe that came with the cake recipe above. I made my own vegan chocolate butter cream icing because butter cream icing is way better than shitty glaze icing any fuckin’ day.  (I might share the butter cream icing recipe one day.)

TitTip: Butter-flavored Crisco is an excellent substitute for butter. That’s how you can make vegan butter cream icing.

Here's the bacon cake with the fuckin' delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Here’s the bacon cake with the fuckin’ delicious butter cream icing. I added bumps on the cake it make it look like wrinkly bacon.

Then, I needed to color this cake like bacon. I used some vegan flood icing and added in some food coloring.

I decided on pink and light brown icing and dumped it in between some thicker icing. The thicker, white icing acts as a wall that says, “Stop, asshole! You can’t go any further!” When a wall talks, you better fuckin’ listen.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like "Win-win" to me.

Bacon or penis? Sounds like “Win-win” to me.

At this point I sent a picture of the cake to a couple of friends, and both of them agreed that it looked like a dick. Well, one of them said it looked like Batman, but that asshole is kinda fucked up. I just agreed it needed to be changed in order to make it look more bacon-like.

One friend suggested it needed more white, you know, like the fat deposits found on bacon (Mmmmmm…..fat deposits). I said, “What a great fuckin’ idea!”, and immediately set off to add more icing to recover this cake mess.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It's all-natural and organic.

Cum-covered bacon is probably the best kind of bacon. It’s all-natural and organic.

So after adding the white, I not only had an accidental dick cake, but an accidental cum-covered dick cake. There’s a premature ejaculation joke there, but I’ll let you figure it out.

I was a little mad and wanted to start over, but then I shrugged. My vegan friend likes bacon, and she also LOVES the cock. So it is probably better that the cake turned out this way.

Meat cake is the best cake.

Meat cake is the best cake.

This cake wouldn’t have been complete without the congratulatory message. Writing on this cake was hard….like a penis. Also, becoming a Dr. is hard….like a penis. Okay, not all penii are hard, but the best ones are.

Aftermath

I wrote the message on this cake in the morning and didn’t look at it again until my friend unveiled it at her party. To my surprise, and everyone else’s amusement, some of my text flooded off the side of the cake. Fuck you, Vegan flood icing, you ruined my goddamned cake!

This was my first sad cake. What the fuck is a sad cake? Check this shit out.

The good thing about making delicious cakes is that even when you mess it up people don’t care. Probably because they are stuffing their face with the best diabeetus around.

Sad cake is sad.

Sad cake is sad.

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Dicktacular Cookie Cake

31 May

Background

My BFF (AKA: Fatty) really loves my chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, he’s been the cookie’s number one fan for years (sometimes I think he is only my friend in the hopes that I will bring him more cookies), so I decided to make him a giant fuckin’ cookie cake for his birthday.  A couple of things you should know about Fatty that might make this cookie cake more amusing for you:

  1. I call him “Fatty” because, well, he’s fat. Why else would you call someone “Fatty”? I care about his health and want him to change, and I know no other way to promote a healthy lifestyle than shaming him into one.
  2. This was actually for his 29th birthday. I was hoping to freak him out by making him think he was a year older than he really was. The reason he was a year older was because his wifey was pregnant, and everyone knows a pregnant wife ages you one year. (He’s totally getting a “Happy 40th B-day, Fatty!” cake next year.)
  3. He LOVES the cock. Seriously….he’s always drawing penii everywhere, or talking about penii, or just whipping his dick out in public. I think he has a condition, and, yes, I have advised him to seek help. I’d hope reading it here would help him see how sick he is, but he’ll probably just stare at his dick instead of reading this.

Cookie Cake Development

First, you make the best chocolate chip cookie dough in the motherfuckin’ world! (I may post the recipe one day.) Then, you grab a big ass hunk of that dough, pat it down in a circle, and bake it until it is done. It should be light brown on the edge, and in my oven on a pizza pan it took about 10 minutes per layer.

Repeat, so you can get two cookies. Keep repeating if you want, I don’t give a flying fuck what you do. I guess, how many layers you make will depend on how  fast you want to get DIABEETUS.

Then, let that shit cool. Warm cookies are totally tits, but the icing will melt off of a warm cookie. Heed my words of wisdom!

After you let that shit cool, spread a shitload of icing on it. I prefer Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, but do whatever you want. You could try some chocolate buttercream icing. I bet that would be amazing!

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

I spread icing on a giant cookie. Bitches love icing.

Then, you can put the other cookie on top to make a giant fuckin’ cookie cake.

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

If you can eat this in one sitting you get a prize. The prize is DIABEETUS. Congrats!

Write a sentimental message on the cookie (see picture below for example). You could also try these festive messages for turning 30:

  1. You’re 30? Blame Obama.
  2. Our elderly population is growing everyday, and you are not helping it any. Please die now and help save the planet.
  3. I’m sorry, should I have written this louder for you, old fucker?
  4. Bet you never thought you’d live to see 30 after that failed suicide attempt last year.
  5. You’re 30? Great! Lemon parties are at your place from now on!
I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

I just knew that something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I could put a whole hand on it and stroke it.

For an added treat, draw dicks on that cookie that are big enough to intimidate Ron Jeremy. If you don’t think Ron Jeremy would feel inferior next to your penii drawings, then you are doing it wrong.

If you did it wrong, eat that cookie cake and start over. Repeat until you get that shit right. If you never get it right, please don’t tell people you got the idea on my blog and drag my good name in the dirt. I have worked pretty fuckin’ hard to be taken seriously as a baker, and I won’t have you ruining it with your shitty cookie.

Look at those beautiful penii!

Look at those beautiful penii!

Delivery

I made the cake for Fatty, but he lived about 750 miles away. After reading a lot about how to ship dainty desserts far away, I adhered to the directions and tips I felt like adhering to. I’m a fuckin’ adult, so don’t tell me how to ship my DIABEETUS!

I froze it in a pizza box, wrapped it in a fuckton of newspaper, and wrote “Fuckin’ Fragile”, “Do NOT shake me like your baby”, and “Handle me like you would tits: With care” all over it.

As you can see in the below picture, all my warnings to the USPS did me no good. It was broken in half, some of the wording was smashed, and delivered to a fuckin’ pussy.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

Seriously, that fuckin’ pussy texted me pictures of him eating the cookie cake everyday for a week. Then, he texted me the pictures of him vomiting it up later.

TitTip 

If friends don’t love and respect you enough to live in the same city as you, then they don’t deserve a fuckin’ cake. Don’t send cakes (or giant cookies) in the mail. The result is heartache and sexts of cat vomit.

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