Tag Archives: DIABEETUS

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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The Horse Says “Neigh, Mother Fucker!”

8 Aug

Background

Sometimes I make cakes that make outsiders say, “Wut da fuk? Do you even cake, bro?” Yes, I can cake the cake out of cakes. Also, I think about cakes A LOT, and sometimes I start planning them months in advance. This cake was developed from an office prank, which happened months before the cake as made.

One particular friend, who enjoys the ERMAHGERD language and ponies (actually, he likes to wear a horse head mask, but close enough), said there wasn’t enough pranking happening in our department. Then, he left for three months on an internship, which gave me plenty of time to wrap up his office space.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

I wrapped the shit out of everything in his office space: cords, books, chair, and a trash can.

This friend was defending his dissertation a few months after he came back from his internship, so I decided to make him relive this wonderful moment in his life in cake-form.

Ingredients

  • Shittastic cake recipe (don’t use a boxed cake, asshole) (TitTip: White cakes are the easiest to color)
  • Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • Food coloring (I had pink and an aqua green color to match the prank)
  • A pan that matches your friend’s personality (Hopefully, your friend doesn’t have a neigh-ative personality.)
  • Cake decorations (candy flowers made this shit festive)
  • Non-Cake decorations (I used the plastic ponies from the first prank. They aren’t edible, but they gave the cake a certain majesty.)

Recipe

First, mix your cake. If you want to color the cake, you can divide up the batter and mix in the food coloring. Then, you swirl that shit about in your pan(s) of choice.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin' work I did.

Look at all the thoughtful, fuckin’ work I did.

As you can see, I fucked up the pony head by ripping its face off, not just once, but twice. Sometimes fuckin’ shit up is okay. I used my first mistake as a text bubble for the pony.

TitTip: If you don’t want to rip the face off the pony, just let that shit cool completely. I am very impatient and I ain’t got time to wait for cakes to cool.

Then, it was time to decorate the shit out of the cake!

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin' talented! Don't worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

1, 2, 3, I am fuckin’ talented!
Don’t worry, folks, no self-esteem problems here.

Look at my pony! I’m am a mother fuckin’, self-taught, cake decorating expert!

Finally, I had to think of something good to put in the speech bubble. This was for my friend’s dissertation defense, and I wouldn’t know if he passed or not, until after I made the cake. I didn’t want to look silly by saying “Congratulations!” and he fail. Also, pass or fail, he tried really hard. (Ask anyone who has a PhD if trying on your dissertation means anything. It doesn’t. You either passed and got your PhD or you didn’t.)

Another titbit, in the original office prank, there was a picture frame containing a picture of me and a couple of other fucktacular people on his desk that said “Forever Friends”. From that moment in time to forever we were solidified as “Forever friends”.

Done, bitches.

ERMAHGERD! CERK!

A few people complained and said they didn’t understand the message. Well, the message wasn’t for you, assholes. Next time I make a pony, it will just say “Neigh, Mother Fucker!” Then, everyone can tell me how clever I am.

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Holy Fuck! Lollipops Have a Day of Their Own?

20 Jul

Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.

To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

"REDRUM" backwards is "MURDER".

“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.

Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

Pedo-Pops

I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.

I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)

These are about the size of a child's head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

Learning is Fun!

This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.

One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.

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Pussy and Cakes: My Badass Life as a Baker

11 Jul

The Interwebs already loves cats and diabeetus. I happen to be in a great position to satisfy the needs of the Interwebs, since I enjoy baking and I have a few cats.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed about cats and baking:

1. Cats don’t give a flying fuck about baking. 

Unless you are making a cake composed of yarn, cat nip, and ribbons, cats couldn’t give any less fucks about baking.

This is Stinky, and she doesn't give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

This is Stinky, and she doesn’t give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

2. Cats are great at passing judgement on a horrible confection.

I tried to make some diabeetus-free fudge for my father, but it turned out to be super disgusting. It may have been the worst thing I’ve ever made. The cats were sure to let me know with disapproving stares, turned backs, and gazes that scream “WTF”.

All the cats came out to tell me that I'm a failure as a baker. I'm glad I always have their support.

All the cats came out to tell me I’m a failure as a baker. I’m glad I always have their support.

3. Cats will want your undying attention while you are baking.

Of course, as soon as you give them your attention they will immediately run off and take a nap. Cats are cunty like that.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

4. Even through all their cuntiness, cats are inspirations to baking.

All that cunty behavior gets me in the mood to bake something fucktacularly creative.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

5. Cats provide the secret ingredient willingly.

Everyone had a good laugh at the previous cake’s message, but there’s always a bit of truth in every good joke.

Too much fur in your cupcakes and everyone would catch on to their game. Cats are sly lil' fuckers. 

Too much fur in the cupcake and people would catch on to their game. Cats are sly, lil’ fuckers.

Side Note: I can very easily tell which cat’s fur I’ve  just pulled from my mouth. After I find the culprit, I walk over to the cat, present the fur to them, we knowingly smile at each other, and part ways.

Take Away Message for Fellow Bakers

If you are a baker, you better have a cat or four. If you don’t have a cat, your baking probably sucks.

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Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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