Remember when the Invalid Argument meme was big? This is the product of trying to make that meme into dessert form.
If I could have place all this shit inside a pie my life would have been complete.
TitTip: See the yellow paper in the top left corner? That’s right, I write everything out on paper first to make sure I don’t fuck that shit up on my fucktacular desserts.
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I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.
Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.
I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.
Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.
Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.
The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.
Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.
Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!
Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.
Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!
Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.
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Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.
1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.
2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.
3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!
Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!
I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!
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Background
The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?
Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.
*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel
Cake Construction
The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.
This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!
I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!
This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.
I heart my friends.
This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.
FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.
This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.
I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.
Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.
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Today is the 25th National Coming Out Day! It’s time to celebrate this fabulous shit with mother fuckin’ rainbow equality cookies!
I used the vanilla refrigerator cookie recipe from my old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978), but I got the idea and some instructions from the Hungry Rabbit’s blog.
Ingredients
(prepped according to the package)Instructions
Mix the first 4 fabulous ingredients, and gradually mix in the next 3 ingredients. When that shit is all mixed together, separate into 6 separate bowls and add a different food color to each bowl.
Look at the fuckin’ colorful fridge ready dough!
Refrigerate the dough for at least an hour. Then, roll that shit into equally sized rectangles (about 2 inches wide, 11 inches long and 1/4 of an inch thick).
TitTip: I drew a big, black rectangle and put that under the parchment paper I rolled the dough onto. This is a pretty fuckin’ clever way to keep all the rectangles the same size.
Fucktacular pride!
Refrigerate all the layers separately for an hour. Repeat until all your fuckin’ colors are gone.
If you are a planner, you can arrange the colors to resemble the pride flag. I made these cookies twice before I realized I fucked the order up. Fuck it, my goddamn heart was in the right place, and no one noticed since they were mesmerized by the colorful-ass cookies.
Stacked to fuckin’ perfection.
This is where I deviate from the Hungry Rabbit’s instructions. The first time I made these cookies all my layers got smashed together when I tried to cut them and this made them look shitty. The second time I froze the completely stacked dough for an hour and then cut it into segments (about a 1/4 of an inch thick). If you have trouble with runny colors, freeze that shit.
Once you cut the cookie dough, place those lil’ bitches about an inch apart on a pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 12 minutes.
The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!
Not perfect, but fuckin’ close enough. Look at the Hungry Rabbit’s recipe if you want better looking cookies, you fuckin’ cookie snob.
So. Much. Pride.
Mother fuckin’ pride!
Here’s one of my cat rocking some rainbow feathers. Cats aren’t as judgmental as people think. They don’t give a fuck about anyone, but they do enjoy looking fabulous.
This pussy is fuckin’ fabulous.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 