Tag Archives: Fuck

Cookies and Broken Homes

25 Jul

I had to move out of my two-bedroom apartment and into a one-bedroom apartment when I got the Big D. (In this case, Big D means divorce, not huge dick. I wish there were a huge dick involved. By huge dick I mean penis, not someone who is acting like a big cock.)

I had a few fucktacular friends who helped me move all my stuff, so I made this cookie cake for them.

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it. 

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it.

I put a smiley face on it, so everyone knew we were having a good time.

Contact me for Divorce Party catering.

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Holy Fuck! Lollipops Have a Day of Their Own?

20 Jul

Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.

To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

"REDRUM" backwards is "MURDER".

“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.

Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

Pedo-Pops

I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.

I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)

These are about the size of a child's head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

Learning is Fun!

This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.

One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.

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Pussy and Cakes: My Badass Life as a Baker

11 Jul

The Interwebs already loves cats and diabeetus. I happen to be in a great position to satisfy the needs of the Interwebs, since I enjoy baking and I have a few cats.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed about cats and baking:

1. Cats don’t give a flying fuck about baking. 

Unless you are making a cake composed of yarn, cat nip, and ribbons, cats couldn’t give any less fucks about baking.

This is Stinky, and she doesn't give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

This is Stinky, and she doesn’t give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

2. Cats are great at passing judgement on a horrible confection.

I tried to make some diabeetus-free fudge for my father, but it turned out to be super disgusting. It may have been the worst thing I’ve ever made. The cats were sure to let me know with disapproving stares, turned backs, and gazes that scream “WTF”.

All the cats came out to tell me that I'm a failure as a baker. I'm glad I always have their support.

All the cats came out to tell me I’m a failure as a baker. I’m glad I always have their support.

3. Cats will want your undying attention while you are baking.

Of course, as soon as you give them your attention they will immediately run off and take a nap. Cats are cunty like that.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

4. Even through all their cuntiness, cats are inspirations to baking.

All that cunty behavior gets me in the mood to bake something fucktacularly creative.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

5. Cats provide the secret ingredient willingly.

Everyone had a good laugh at the previous cake’s message, but there’s always a bit of truth in every good joke.

Too much fur in your cupcakes and everyone would catch on to their game. Cats are sly lil' fuckers. 

Too much fur in the cupcake and people would catch on to their game. Cats are sly, lil’ fuckers.

Side Note: I can very easily tell which cat’s fur I’ve  just pulled from my mouth. After I find the culprit, I walk over to the cat, present the fur to them, we knowingly smile at each other, and part ways.

Take Away Message for Fellow Bakers

If you are a baker, you better have a cat or four. If you don’t have a cat, your baking probably sucks.

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

4 Jul

Today is the birthday of the greatest nation on Earth: ‘Murica!

I made a cookie big enough to fuck up Lady Liberty’s blood glucose levels.

Ingredients

  • 2 giant cookies
  • 1 dash of fuckin’ justice
  • 4 1/2 teaspoons of misogyny
  • 3 asstons of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • 1 cup of liberty
  • 2 tablespoons of ethnocentrism
  • All the pride you can muster (which should be a fuckton, unless you are a foreigner)

Add all the ingredients together and you have the best fuckin’ birthday cake this nation, or any other nation, has ever laid eyes upon.

'Murica! Fuck Yeah!

‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

I contemplated deep-frying the whole thing. Or topping it in deep-fried butter. Or both.

Instead, I just drew some butter and a Big Gulp in the eagle’s talons. Drawing the butter was easier than deep-frying butter or the whole cookie. I am an ‘Murican, therefore I am lazy.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Happy fuckin’ birthday, Murrica!

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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