Tag Archives: Vegan

The Best Icing in the God-Damned World

26 Sep

A friend of mine introduced me to the world of matcha, and my life was forever changed. If you haven’t tried matcha green tea candy, cake, or some other dessert you should take a step back and seriously examine your life. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!

I thought matcha would pair nicely with ginger, and it did. I’m a fuckin’ genius! I’m also super fuckin’ nice, so I will share my Matcha-Ginger Cream Cheese Icing recipe with you.

Ingredients

  • 1 fuckin’ package of vegan cream cheese (8oz package)
  • 1 stick o’ Lardy McChunkyBuns Butter (1 stick, any vegan stick will do)
  • Matcha green tea powder (2+ tablespoons)
  • Ground Ginger (2+ tablespoons)
  • 4 fucktons of powdered sugar (4 cups)

Instructions

Make sure the cream cheese and butter is softened and then mix that shit together until it is smooth.

If you are unaware of the wonders of green tea, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

If you are unaware of the wonders of matcha, this probably looks unappetizing and shitty. Just the color of the matcha powder makes my mouth water.

Then, mix in the ginger and matcha green tea powder. Finally, mix in a fuckton of powdered sugar. I’ve heard from expert sources (e.g., Asians) that you can’t have too much green tea flavoring. So I put a lot more matcha powder in there than stated in the ingredients, but do whatever the fuck you want.

Put That Shit On A Cake

I put this god-damned icing on a green tea cake, but I think it would work on a vanilla cake too.

This is making my mouth fuckin' water.

This is making my mouth fuckin’ water.

Check This Shit Out

My friend was going off on an internship several states away for a few months. Several states away? Might as well be another country. We wanted her to come back, so I made the place she was going to seem pretty lame.

'Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

‘Merica: Land of Cake and DIABEETUS!

She’s back, so, obviously, the cake worked.

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Peanut Butter Bar For Peanut Day

13 Sep

Today is Peanut Day! Celebrate the day with peanut butter bars to help progress you and your friends’ diabeetus.

Background

I was going to make up some really cool story about a near-death experience that would have involved dragons, dick zombies, Penisaurus Rex, Vagina Raptor, a unicorn, and a couple of lolcats, but that may have caused the Interwebs to throw up in its mouth.

The only car accident I’ve ever been in happened earlier this year. I hit some slippery ice, spun around in the middle of the Kansas turnpike, hit the middle concrete-divider-thing, and lightly landed just off the side of the road. My friend and I weren’t hurt, and somehow there was just a slight dent in her car. She’s still my friend and doesn’t try to make me feel like a bad person for crashing her car. Also, neither one of us shit our pants, so in my book that’s a win.

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

My friend had been wanting a peanut butter bar for nostalgia purposes for a little while, so I thought she deserved it after almost killing her. Life is short, eat peanut butter bars, and die a slow death by diabeetus.

FYFI: I used my own fucktacular recipe. I decorated with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

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U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship

12 Sep

Today is Kansas governor Sam Brownback’s birthday! Happy birthday, Brownback! Let us celebrate Sammy’s special day with the story of last year’s celebration he had with a friend of mine.

Best Birthday Ever

My friend was about to depart on a trip around the world with three of his best and most open-minded friends (pictured below) for Sammy’s birthday. These four bros call themselves The Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome! After every meeting, they huddle together and exclaim “FUCKIN’ FABULOUS FOURSOME!” I’ve seen it happen, and that shit is adorable.

It’s common knowledge that a strong foursome is held together by the unique talents of its members:

  1. My friend is the captain and the brains behind the Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome. He chose his crew wisely one night when he was really drunk.
  2. Chief Navigator, Pat Robertson, has constant contact with Jeebus, which is all he needs to navigate the douche canoe through turbulent waters and to steer clear of rainbows.
  3. Obviously, Rush Limbaugh is the canoe’s diplomat, since he is a smooth talker, and possesses all of the Foursome’s sex appeal. He has bailed the Foursome out of many tight spots by cramming as many dicks as he can in his mouth to impress people. How many dicks can he fit in his mouth, you ask? The answer: a shitton.
  4. Originally, this was supposed to be The Twattastic Trio, but Private Sammy just happened to be around and the Trio couldn’t figure out how to get rid of him.  Sometimes Sammy brings coffee and donuts. Everyone says he’s “a nice guy,” but that’s not really a talent.

I can’t tell you anymore about the story because the rest has been copyrighted by Disney. This adventure will be represented by the newest Disneyland attraction: U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship (COMING SUMMER 2016).

Cake Construction

This yellow cake recipe was nommy, and I paired it with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

Veganize that shit: Yellow birthday cake usually calls for lots of eggs and this cake was no different, but substituting VeganEgg 1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

I used sugar sheets for the first time on this cake (see the shiny water). Check out the fucktacular stick figure and douche canoe art. I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Look at that fuckin' sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

Look at that fuckin’ sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

I fucked up the writing on the douche canoe, so I had to scrape it off and write it again in white.

TitTip: If you ever fuck up writing or drawing on a cake, it is super easy to scrape that shit off with a flat knife and try again. Your non-cake decorating friends won’t notice.

I definitely can’t draw faces, so I ordered their faces printed on thin sheets of icing through some store on Etsy.

Rush always wins at "How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth". No one else is usually playing.

Rush always wins at “How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth”. No one else is usually playing.

Then, I peeled the heads off and stuck them on the cake.

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

Look at Limbaugh! That guy totally needs a few dicks in his mouth. He’s like a dick zombie.

Real Cake Background

This cake was a farewell cake for a dear friend of mine who was leaving the great Midwest to a wonderful job at Google on the west coast. While I was quite jealous of him being able to leave this place, I still wanted to wish that asshole well with a cake. I like to get at my friends’ personalities when I make them a cake, so keep in mind my friend would (1) complain about crazy conservatives and the bullshit they support or say and (2) was really into saying “douche canoe” at the time. Also, another friend of mine had been wanting to see “you are dead to us now” on a cake to this friend for months.

If you are checking this cake out, Sammy, it is not for you. However, I did just make a cookie jar full of cookies for you. They are waiting for you at the state fair.

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Amaze Your Friends by Memeing Them on Desserts

5 Sep

Background

Before I was making cakes for friends, I was turning friends into memes. I took this opportunity to combine two of my favorite things: dessert and Interwebs humor. The person, who this dessert was for, can be kind of an asshole sometimes, but will help you out when you need it. He’s no Good Guy Greg, but he works well as his own meme: Decent Dude Dustin.

Recipe

I got the recipe here. The recipes is easy to veganize by using VeganEgg instead of eggs and Earth Balance instead of butter. Then, I topped the bar with an edible picture of my friend with a joint photoshopped in his mouth.

1. Make lemon bar.<br />2. Put edible picture of friend on top.<br />3. Consume friend.

1. Make lemon bar.
2. Put edible picture of friend on top.
3. Consume friend.

When I asked him if he wanted me to blur his face out before I posted it on this blog, instead he requested the joint to be blurred out. I did as my decent friend requested. Now it looks like he is smoking a blurry joint.

I can't think of anything funnier than burning babies.

I can’t think of anything funnier than burning babies.

Decent Dude Dustin, or Triple D, did two fucktacular things: (1) he went over to help my friend get her car out of snow and ice and (2) he helped me move out of my broken home. However, pointing out his niceness would only tell half of Triple D’s story. A couple of days before this dessert was finished, he sent me this gif, and said he couldn’t stop laughing.

Photoshop Skillz

A mutual friend of mine and Triple D’s suggested I Photoshop a cock in place of the joint. What can I say? I like to make my friends happy.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

I’m pretty good at Photoshop. Please contact me for lessons. Kthxbi.

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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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