Tag Archives: veganized

From North Korea, With <3

17 Oct

White people have a certain talent for mis-guessing the nationalities of other people, especially Asians. I have a cracker friend who tried to argue the nationality of our mutual Vietnamese friend, Mikki, and insisted she was Korean. Good thing for him, our friend has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny. The joke lingered for a while and friends decided she was North Korean, since North Korea is bestest Korea.

Mikki is crazy about green tea flavored shit, so I decided to make her a green tea cake with a special message from most supreme leader, Kim Jong Un.

Veganize that shit: The green tea cake recipe is very easy to make vegan. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the milk, cream cheese, and yogurt with your favorite non-dairy versions.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

I’ve had my eye on the Most Fucktacular Baker title in North Korea for a while now, so I really hope Kimmy sees this and recognizes my talent.

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U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship

12 Sep

Today is Kansas governor Sam Brownback’s birthday! Happy birthday, Brownback! Let us celebrate Sammy’s special day with the story of last year’s celebration he had with a friend of mine.

Best Birthday Ever

My friend was about to depart on a trip around the world with three of his best and most open-minded friends (pictured below) for Sammy’s birthday. These four bros call themselves The Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome! After every meeting, they huddle together and exclaim “FUCKIN’ FABULOUS FOURSOME!” I’ve seen it happen, and that shit is adorable.

It’s common knowledge that a strong foursome is held together by the unique talents of its members:

  1. My friend is the captain and the brains behind the Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome. He chose his crew wisely one night when he was really drunk.
  2. Chief Navigator, Pat Robertson, has constant contact with Jeebus, which is all he needs to navigate the douche canoe through turbulent waters and to steer clear of rainbows.
  3. Obviously, Rush Limbaugh is the canoe’s diplomat, since he is a smooth talker, and possesses all of the Foursome’s sex appeal. He has bailed the Foursome out of many tight spots by cramming as many dicks as he can in his mouth to impress people. How many dicks can he fit in his mouth, you ask? The answer: a shitton.
  4. Originally, this was supposed to be The Twattastic Trio, but Private Sammy just happened to be around and the Trio couldn’t figure out how to get rid of him.  Sometimes Sammy brings coffee and donuts. Everyone says he’s “a nice guy,” but that’s not really a talent.

I can’t tell you anymore about the story because the rest has been copyrighted by Disney. This adventure will be represented by the newest Disneyland attraction: U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship (COMING SUMMER 2016).

Cake Construction

This yellow cake recipe was nommy, and I paired it with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

Veganize that shit: Yellow birthday cake usually calls for lots of eggs and this cake was no different, but substituting VeganEgg 1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

I used sugar sheets for the first time on this cake (see the shiny water). Check out the fucktacular stick figure and douche canoe art. I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Look at that fuckin' sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

Look at that fuckin’ sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

I fucked up the writing on the douche canoe, so I had to scrape it off and write it again in white.

TitTip: If you ever fuck up writing or drawing on a cake, it is super easy to scrape that shit off with a flat knife and try again. Your non-cake decorating friends won’t notice.

I definitely can’t draw faces, so I ordered their faces printed on thin sheets of icing through some store on Etsy.

Rush always wins at "How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth". No one else is usually playing.

Rush always wins at “How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth”. No one else is usually playing.

Then, I peeled the heads off and stuck them on the cake.

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

Look at Limbaugh! That guy totally needs a few dicks in his mouth. He’s like a dick zombie.

Real Cake Background

This cake was a farewell cake for a dear friend of mine who was leaving the great Midwest to a wonderful job at Google on the west coast. While I was quite jealous of him being able to leave this place, I still wanted to wish that asshole well with a cake. I like to get at my friends’ personalities when I make them a cake, so keep in mind my friend would (1) complain about crazy conservatives and the bullshit they support or say and (2) was really into saying “douche canoe” at the time. Also, another friend of mine had been wanting to see “you are dead to us now” on a cake to this friend for months.

If you are checking this cake out, Sammy, it is not for you. However, I did just make a cookie jar full of cookies for you. They are waiting for you at the state fair.

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Amaze Your Friends by Memeing Them on Desserts

5 Sep

Background

Before I was making cakes for friends, I was turning friends into memes. I took this opportunity to combine two of my favorite things: dessert and Interwebs humor. The person, who this dessert was for, can be kind of an asshole sometimes, but will help you out when you need it. He’s no Good Guy Greg, but he works well as his own meme: Decent Dude Dustin.

Recipe

I got the recipe here. The recipes is easy to veganize by using VeganEgg instead of eggs and Earth Balance instead of butter. Then, I topped the bar with an edible picture of my friend with a joint photoshopped in his mouth.

1. Make lemon bar.<br />2. Put edible picture of friend on top.<br />3. Consume friend.

1. Make lemon bar.
2. Put edible picture of friend on top.
3. Consume friend.

When I asked him if he wanted me to blur his face out before I posted it on this blog, instead he requested the joint to be blurred out. I did as my decent friend requested. Now it looks like he is smoking a blurry joint.

I can't think of anything funnier than burning babies.

I can’t think of anything funnier than burning babies.

Decent Dude Dustin, or Triple D, did two fucktacular things: (1) he went over to help my friend get her car out of snow and ice and (2) he helped me move out of my broken home. However, pointing out his niceness would only tell half of Triple D’s story. A couple of days before this dessert was finished, he sent me this gif, and said he couldn’t stop laughing.

Photoshop Skillz

A mutual friend of mine and Triple D’s suggested I Photoshop a cock in place of the joint. What can I say? I like to make my friends happy.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

Here you can see Decent Dude Dustin in his natural state of cock smoking.

I’m pretty good at Photoshop. Please contact me for lessons. Kthxbi.

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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For DIABEETUS!

29 Aug

Don’t let the fact that ice cream cake is the leading cause of diabeetus stop you from making one. There is an upside: the maker of the ice cream cake has a 90% chance of getting laid. FYFI: The previous claim is still in the experimental phase. The ice cream cakes I’ve made haven’t gotten me laid, but I know it has to work. *crosses fingers*

Is taking advantage of someone in a diabetic coma similar to taking advantage of a drunk person? No. This needs no further ethical consideration.

Ice cream cakes are fuckin’ easy to make. Try it yourself with these 8 easy steps.

Ice Cream Cake Construction

  1. Bake your cake of choice and let that shit cool completely.
  2. Wrap that shit up tight and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours.
  3. Take out your ice cream (Coconut based ice creams are fuckin’ fantastic!) and let it melt at room temperature, for about 30 minutes. You don’t want it to be liquid, just a bit squishy.
  4. Put some waxed paper in the same pan you used to make the cake. Then, press the ice cream all around to fill the pan.
  5. Cover your ice cream and put it in the freezer, for at least 8 hours. No less than 8 hours, or you’ll fuck this shit up!
  6. Then, take your cake and ice cream out of the freezer and layer it how you want.
  7. Use Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze around the edges and between the layers, and you probably have a mess to clean up later.
  8. Now think of something very sentimental to write on your shittastic cake.
cakes

Ice cream cake is fucktacular!

I made this cake for a couple of friends, who were having a combined birthday party. One friend requested an ice cream cake and the other requested Funfetti. Ugh, I hate Funfetti! I decided to make a Funfetti ice cream cake for them, so they were each getting half a cake.

Veganize that shit: Funfetti isn’t vegan, but you can choose your favorite white vegan cake recipe and add about a cup of sprinkles and have a much better end product. Unless you fuck that shit up.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends.

Simultaneously piss off and delight your friends. Possibly get laid?

The cake and ice cream combinations of ice cream cakes are endless. I’ve made triple chocolate, green tea, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. Take my well-founded advice: Don’t be a pussy and try something new!

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Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing: Fuckin’ Mouth Heaven

22 Aug

Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.

Ingredients

  • 1 8oz package of vegan cream cheese, softened, like a non-erect penis
  • 1 stick o’ vegan butter, softened, like a non-erect penis (Obviously, I don’t have many good baking descriptions in my repertoire.)
  • Fuckton of powdered sugar (4 cups)
  • Sriracha Sauce, to your own fuckin’ distinguished taste

Recipe

First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.

Fluff that shit.

Fluff that shit.

Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.

Check out the food porn.

Check out the food porn.

Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.

You can't add "too much" Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin' crazy.

You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.

What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?

Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.

A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.

Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.

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