Ice cream cakes are fucktacular, so make them often to improve your chances of diabeetus.
Ice cream cake > cake
This was a green tea ice cream cake. I used this cake, but added two layers of green tea ice cream to make it even fuckin’ better.
This cake got the shit nommed out of it.
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In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.
Ingredients:
How to Make This Shit
Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.
Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!
Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?
FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.
Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.
They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.
Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.
Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.
Check out these little cunts!
TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.
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*How to Make a Flax Egg:
and 2 tablespoons of water.__________
To make a really long story short: (1) a friend dreamed about a T-Rex using the back of a wolf to get himself off, (2) someone suggested I make this very appropriate dream into a reality, and (3) I make fuckin’ dreams come true.
T-Rex’s frustration is rising.
I had the T-Rex cake pan, so I only needed to make the wolf and a giant T-Rex dick.
TitTip: Making cake shapes is pretty fuckin’ easy, so there’s not a necessity for a shaped pan. For the wolf, I had to find a wolf picture with a nice, straight, firm back, print it, and then cut it out. Next, I put the wolf picture on the top of a cake and cut around the edges. That’s it! One cake wolf all ready to facilitate in the satisfaction of T-Rex. You can repeat these steps to make the giant T-Rex dick.
10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.
When I presented the cake to my friend I said, “I made your dream cum true.”
The finished product…
This is the most artsy and beautiful cake I’ve made to date. I’m available for weddings and birthdays.
I’m Fuckin’ Thankful
Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very proud and thankful for how far along my cake decorating skills have come. Please enjoy these close-ups.
Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.
The friend I made this for, ever so slowly cut out the giant T-Rex dick, crammed it in his mouth, and ate the whole thing.
I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?
I pointed out that the T-Rex had a rape eye. While people seemed to agree, one person decided he needed to eat the eye. As soon as he got a chance, he cut out the T-Rex eye and ate it. He then proceeded to eat the wolf’s eye. No one knows why he wanted to eat those eyes so bad. Maybe the eyes gave him strange sexual powers?
No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.
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Remember when the Invalid Argument meme was big? This is the product of trying to make that meme into dessert form.
If I could have place all this shit inside a pie my life would have been complete.
TitTip: See the yellow paper in the top left corner? That’s right, I write everything out on paper first to make sure I don’t fuck that shit up on my fucktacular desserts.
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I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.
Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.
I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.
Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.
Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.
The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.
Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.
Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!
Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.
Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!
Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 