Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

__________

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Don’t Let the Dark Side Ruin Your Nameday, Harry Potter.

31 Jul

Today is Harry Potter’s Name Day, but he’s dead, right? Instead, I will tell you about the time I was tasked with making a chocolate birthday cake for Professor McGonagall.

You are probably wondering why a powerful wizard of the Light Side would task a muggle with making a cake. The answer is: I have no fuckin’ clue. Prof McGonagall said she would give me a sock and not kill me if I made her a cake. I’m not sure why I would want a sock, but I didn’t want to die; therefore, I decided making her a cake would be in my best interest.

The Epic Adventure: Making a Cake

Very early in this epic adventure, I made the mistake of an apprentice baker: I burned the fuckin’ cake. This burnt cake was clearly the work of the Dark Side. I needed to call upon the help of a higher power, for the witch, McGonagall, would surely have my head if I presented her with a burnt cake.

To call upon the forces of good, I went outside and found the steepest cliff within miles of my oven. I whispered “Valar Morghulis” as I jumped off the cliff, but Falcor caught me on his back right before I splattered on the ground into a million muggle pieces. I told the luck dragon about my burnt cake dilemma, but he was on his way to help end a story that he thought, “would never fuckin’ end”. Falcor dropped me off with someone he thought could assist me: the Goblin King (AKA: David Bowie).

The Goblin King tried to entertain me with dance magic, while he played with a crystal ball, but this didn’t help with my problem. Just as I was starting to get really panicked about my imminent death, Eric Northman was in front of me holding the still-beating heart of the Goblin King.

After Eric consoled me with his sexy sex, he told me that if I held the Goblin King’s heart while chanting “Live long and prosper” I would not burn the cake again. With Eric’s wizard spell, I was able to successfully construct a chocolate cake for the she-wolf McGonagall. She was pleased with my offering and let me keep my life.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

I will never forget what I learned during my epic journey, which can be summed up in one epic quote:

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.

Epilogue

After Falcor finished off that really long story he came back to chill with me. However, he was soon summoned to take care of another problem: white walkers. Falcor and I slayed all of the white walkers, restored peace to the realm, and stole a super shiny ring from some hobo-like creature that referred to the ring as “my precious”. We pawned the ring for booze money and got wasted. It was the bestest day ever.

FYFI: Luck dragons need a fuckton of booze to get wasted.

This is the greatest work of Harry Potter fan-fiction ever. Tell your friends.

__________

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Cookies and Broken Homes

25 Jul

I had to move out of my two-bedroom apartment and into a one-bedroom apartment when I got the Big D. (In this case, Big D means divorce, not huge dick. I wish there were a huge dick involved. By huge dick I mean penis, not someone who is acting like a big cock.)

I had a few fucktacular friends who helped me move all my stuff, so I made this cookie cake for them.

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it. 

Cookie cakes make divorce so worth it.

I put a smiley face on it, so everyone knew we were having a good time.

Contact me for Divorce Party catering.

__________

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Holy Fuck! Lollipops Have a Day of Their Own?

20 Jul

Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.

To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

"REDRUM" backwards is "MURDER".

“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.

Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

Pedo-Pops

I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.

I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)

These are about the size of a child's head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

Learning is Fun!

This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.

One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.

__________

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pro-Cake

18 Jul

Whenever someone asks me about my stance on abortion, I confidently respond that I have a moral obligation as an American to be pro-cake. I don’t care if you are pro-choice or otherwise, as long as the discussion, decision, debate, abortion, filibuster, and /or rally ends with a sweet slice of cake.

To celebrate my friend’s decision to remain pregnant and shit out a beautiful, baby covered in her vagina particles, I made her a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

Veganize that shit: Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Cake Decorations

I can’t draw, so I bought some creepy, plastic babies to decorate the cake from a craft store that only had the choice of white or black babies. I know, some of you are thinking, “That’s racist!” But it isn’t, and I will tell you why. There are the only two types of newborn babies: black and white. All human babies are born either white or black, but some of them grow into other types of babies (ex: Asian, Hispanic, Canadian, etc). This is not common knowledge among people who haven’t given birth to a baby that didn’t turn out white or black. I always learn so much from my visits to ultra-conservative craft stores.

Here's a close up of the creepy cracker babies. DAT ASS!

Here’s a close up of the creepy cracker babies.
DAT ASS!

Original Idea

My original idea for this cake was to write “Don’t forget to eat the placenta!”, and put a gruesome pile of afterbirth in the middle of the cake. Eventually, I decided that this might be too gruesome and people would be afraid to eat a cake made in the image of afterbirth.

Lawmakers should threaten poor women with this idea. It would go like this:

Conservative, law-making dude: Poor women of child-bearing potential, especially minorities, we know sex is great, but if you get pregnant we are going to force feed you a cake with afterbirth drawn on it.

Poor women of child-bearing potential: Ew. We don’t want to eat that, so we will abstain from sex.

Sounds like a pretty fuckin’ effective birth control method to me. It’s at least as effective as abstinence-only education.

You’re welcome, ‘Murrica.

__________

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →