Tag Archives: Cake

Be Thankful Your Dreams Aren’t Fucked Up

28 Nov

To make a really long story short: (1) a friend dreamed about a T-Rex using the back of a wolf to get himself off, (2) someone suggested I make this very appropriate dream into a reality, and (3) I make fuckin’ dreams come true.

T-Rex's frustration is rising.

T-Rex’s frustration is rising.

I had the T-Rex cake pan, so I only needed to make the wolf and a giant T-Rex dick.

TitTip: Making cake shapes is pretty fuckin’ easy, so there’s not a necessity for a shaped pan. For the wolf, I had to find a wolf picture with a nice, straight, firm back, print it, and then cut it out. Next, I put the wolf picture on the top of a cake and cut around the edges. That’s it! One cake wolf all ready to facilitate in the satisfaction of T-Rex. You can repeat these steps to make the giant T-Rex dick.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

When I presented the cake to my friend I said, “I made your dream cum true.”

The finished product…

Probably the most artsy and beautiful cake I've made to date. I'm available for weddings and birthdays.

This is the most artsy and beautiful cake I’ve made to date. I’m available for weddings and birthdays.

I’m Fuckin’ Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very proud and thankful for how far along my cake decorating skills have come. Please enjoy these close-ups.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

The friend I made this for, ever so slowly cut out the giant T-Rex dick, crammed it in his mouth, and ate the whole thing.

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I pointed out that the T-Rex had a rape eye. While people seemed to agree, one person decided he needed to eat the eye. As soon as he got a chance, he cut out the T-Rex eye and ate it. He then proceeded to eat the wolf’s eye. No one knows why he wanted to eat those eyes so bad. Maybe the eyes gave him strange sexual powers?

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part 1

7 Nov

I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.

Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.

I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.

Don't let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don't want to burn your cake.

Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.

Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.

The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.

Oh well, your friends probably aren't professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red. 

Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.

Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!

Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.

Nommy! A fuckin' smashed fruit fly!

Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!

Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.

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Dear Vegans, Thanks for Being Fuckin’ Picky Eaters

1 Nov

Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.

1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.

2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.

3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!

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Celebrate Halloween With This Moist Delight

31 Oct

I made a giant, vodka-infused Jello*-shot skull for a friend. This shit will get you drunk, and give you a mysterious, moist hickey**.

**RESULTS MAY VARY

*Jello is not vegan, but you can use Jel, which is a vegan substitute for Jello. Now we are making a giant Jel-shot.

Ingredients

  • Fuck load of Jel flavors (your choice)
  • Sweetened condensed coconut milk
  • ShitTon of Unflavored Jel
  • Cheap vodka (Don’t spend money on fuckin’ Grey Goose, or some other snooty shit.)
  • Water (to moisten this shit)
  • Cooking oil spray (I used coconut oil)

Construction

This is what I did to make the vodka-infused Je;-shots:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water (WARNING: Contents will be fuckin’ hot! Don’t touch that shit!)
  2. Mix in one package of flavored Jel
  3. Make sure the Jel powder is completely dissolved in the water
  4. Mix in half a cup of cheap, shitty vodka
  5. Spray the bottom of your container with the oil (this will help it slide out of the container later)
  6. Repeat the last steps to make more colors/flavors
  7. Refrigerate that shit for about 3 hours. Don’t worry, your Jel won’t dry out! It will still be moist.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I'm healthy.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I’m healthy.

  8. Remove your Jel-shots from the fridge
  9. Cut Jel-shots into the desired shapes. I wanted my finished product to resemble a colorful, Day of the Dead skull, so I used a flower cookie cutter and a knife to cut out hearts and other shapes. You can do whatever the fuck you want.
  10. Dip the bottom of your Jel container in some warm water for about 15 – 30 seconds, and loosen the edges of the Jel from the container with some sort of Jel-loosening-object.
  11. Now, you should be able to easily remove those cunty, lil’ Jel-shots. Because I’m so fucktacular, I perfected three techniques to share with you:
  • Technique #1: press wax paper on the Jel, flip it over on a flat surface (that shit should slide right out), and pull your shapes out.
  • Technique #2: Rip the excess Jel from around the shapes and then easily pull the shapes out.
  • Technique #3: “Accidentally” rip all your shapes, so you are forced to eat them all and start all over.

Next, I sprayed oil on my skull pan, and placed my Jel-shot shapes all over the fuckin’ pan.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

To make the white part of the skull:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water
  2. Mix in 3 – 4 packets of unflavored Jel until dissolved
  3. Mix in equal parts of the sweetened condensed cocobut milk and shitty vodka (about 3/4 cups)
  4. Let that shit cool (WARNING: If you don’t let this shit cool, it may melt the Jel-shots you already have in the pan. Don’t fuck this shit up.)
  5. Pour it into the pan.
  6. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours, to let the Jel-shots set in with the white Jel.

You can repeat making the white Jel until your pan is full. Always refrigerating for, at least, 3 hours.

TitTip: I don’t waste alcohol, so instead of adding just more white stuff, I put in all the excess Jel-shot remains. I don’t fuckin’ waste shit, and the extra color makes this shit much more fuckin’ festive.

Colorful ass shit.

Colorful ass shit.

Once your Jel has set, do what you did before: submerge this shit into warm water, scrape the fuckin’ edges, and let it slide out on to a plate or some other flat surface.

Moist is a Pretty Cool Word

Did you know that some people don’t like the word “moist“. I don’t understand this word aversion, since moist is such a wonderful word, like “cake” and “cunt”. Also, moist is the only word that can appropriately describe certain things, like cakes and cunts.

The friend I made this for hates the word moist, but loves Jel-shots.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

When I presented the giant Jel-shot to my friend, she immediately ate the “M” so she didn’t have to see the word “MOIST” anymore.

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Cakes: The World’s Least Discussed Tripping Hazard

28 Oct

October is National Ergonomics Month, and the only way to celebrate such a fucktacular field is in cake-form!

DANGER: KEEP CAKE OUT OF EYE!

DANGER: KEEP CAKE OUT OF EYE!

My newest passion is drawing stick figures tripping over desserts. Check out the figure on the cake. It has its hands up in the air thinking, “Holy fuck! Cake! What a shittacular day!” Then, the figure starts to trip over the cake and shouts, “Why cake, why?!” Cakes can be assholes sometimes.

FYFI: Stick figures convey many thoughts and emotions.

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