Tag Archives: Chocolate

Chocolate Balls of Bliss

7 Jul

Today is Chocolate Day! Time to celebrate Chocolate Day with chocolate balls of bliss. (A friend of mine described these chocolate truffles as “balls of bliss”, and said she felt dirty eating them.)

Also, chocolate balls of bliss are the key ingredient in attracting Penisaurus Rex.

Ingredients

Assembling Blissful Balls 

Put a bunch of chocolate chips in a microwavable bowl in the microwave with a little bit of Criso and let it spin until that shit is melted (a couple of minutes). I like my chocolate balls soft, so I use more Crisco. If you like tough, hard balls, then use less Crisco.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

If you used the buttercream icing I indicated, you can freeze it and then roll it into balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

Once you roll the buttercream into balls, you can drop the balls into the melted chocolate, pull the balls out with a utensil, and put the balls on some waxed paper.

TitTip: Use a fork to pull the balls out of the melted chocolate. I used a spoon, which is why there are giant puddles of chocolate under all my balls. Nothing wrong with the extra chocolate, but if you are one of those snooty confectionists you’ll probably want your balls to look pretty. I never go for pretty balls. I go for delicious balls. Delicious = Diabeetus.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Once you have covered all the balls in chocolate, put the balls in the fridge. In about a hour, the chocolate balls should be firm and then you can devour those fuckin’ balls.

Making Your Own Balls of Bliss

You can do a lot with this recipe and make these balls your own balls. I’ve added peanut butter to the chocolate buttercream recipe and used that to make peanut butter truffles. You can also try adding some other flavors, nuts, or fruits to the buttercream.

If you don’t like dark chocolate, you can go fuck yourself.  I mean, you can use milk chocolate chips or white chocolate chips.

I have some top secret ideas that I might share one day. When? When I fuckin’ feel like it. Don’t rush my creativity.

Attracting Penisaurus Rex

The main reason to make chocolate balls of bliss is to attract Penisaurus Rex. Penisaurus Rex fuckin’ loves chocolate balls of bliss. If you leave a plate of them outside your door over night, he will eat them all. Don’t try and stay up and look for him. Penisaurus Rex can’t perform under that kind of pressure, so he will only come if you aren’t watching.

I saw him one time, but I had to use a series of mirrors to catch a glimpse of him. Also, I was drunk, so no one believes that I saw him.

Legend has it, one cannot look at him directly, like Medusa. Unlike Medusa, if you look directly at Penisaurus Rex, instead of turning to stone, he will just jizz on your face. The jizz tastes like chocolate truffles, so the jizz is nice and refreshing. Or so I’ve been told…

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

Coming Soon…

The elusive VaginaRaptor.

Sometimes she’s a slippery girl.

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

27 Jun

Cookie butter is like peanut butter, but a fuckton better, like a shitton of fucktons better.

Recipe

I got the recipe from here. I did change a few things though because I got to make this shit my own and vegan.

Veganize that shit: Use VeganEgg in place of the eggs in the recipe and make your own buttermilk. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a 3/4 cup of your favorite vegan milk and half a tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow it to sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready

Crunchy as shit.

This shit is crunchy!

Put some crunchy cookie butter mix in the middle before you top it off and put it in the oven.

Throw the crunchy shit in with the batter.

Bake that shit!

Bake that shit!

I didn’t use the icing that comes with the recipe. I used my own fizzworthy chocolate butter cream icing. Why? Cause I like it more. That’s the only fuckin’ reason I need.

Ice those fuckin' cupcakes!

Ice those fuckin’ cupcakes!

I arranged the cupcakes in a nice arch, but decided arches are for angels and McDonald’s. Then, I took a shitty picture. I’m not a photographer. If you think I should be, then you expect too much from me, asshole.

Mother Fuckin' Cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes!

Seriously, I took about 15 pictures and this one was the best one.

Once I got my jollies from writing “mother fuckin'” on something as innocent as cupcakes, I finished them by topping them with the rest of the cookie butter crunchy shit.

Close up, bitch!

Here’s your close up, bitches!

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Fizzing in Everything: Versatile Chocolate Buttercream Icing

20 Jun

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

  • Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
  • Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
  • Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
  • Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
  • Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
  • Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

COCO!

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

Icing

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Diabeetus-Free Fudge for my Father on Fudge Day

16 Jun

Say that shit three times fast: “Diabeetus-Free Fudge for my Father on Fudge Day. Diabeetus Fuck Fudge for my Father on Fuck Day. Diabeetus for my Father on the Day we Fudge. Fuck.”

Background

Hey, it’s Fudge Day! We should all take a moment to think about all the fuckin’ amazing things fudge has done for us and all the wonderful times we’ve had. Let’s see….there was that stomach ache, well, lots of stomach aches, a fuckton of toothaches, followed by a couple of cavities, and finally diabeetus. Thanks, Fudge!

Wait… you are kind of a fuckstick, Fudge, but I forgive you because you are delicious.

Today also happens to be Father’s Day, which, I guess, is important too. My father loves fudge, so I decided to make him fudge for Fudge Day, err, I mean, Father’s Day.  Unfortunately, my father already has diabeetus, so I needed to make him some diabeetus-free fudge.

Impossible you say? If you want that diabeetus-free fudge to taste good the answer is: Yes, it is impossible. If you don’t care how the fudge tastes then the answer is: Sure, why the fuck not?

Recipe

Here is the fudge recipe I picked out. This recipe wasn’t good at all, it barely resembled diabeetus-filled-fudge. I fizz for fudge. However, this shit made me want to eat something lame, like a vegetable or nothing, since I wasn’t hungry.

Veganize this shit: You could make this vegan, but it will taste horrible either way. I only posted this to document a fail, but I will have to make my own healthy-ish fudge one day. It will be vegan. And it will be amazing.

Usually as I am making cakes, cookies, or other confections, they look fuckin’ amazing throughout the whole process. However, as I was making this fudge, there was never a point in time that it ever appeared appetizing. I started off  melting some fuckin’ bricks of chocolate down to something resembling soggy manure or what you might find in a clogged toilet. After the chocolate was completely melted, I mixed some peanut butter into the mixture and it looked like the contents of a stinky baby’s diaper. Adding the peanuts did this mixture no favors.

There has never existed more unappetizing fudge before. 

There has never existed more unappetizing fudge before.

Because I stick with ideas until the bitter end, I still wanted to write something on this fudge (since that’s what I do). I used a sugar-free icing to write on the diabeetus-free fudge. It was also fuckin’ disgusting, so there’s no need to share the recipe.

Looks like a sick dick sneezed in my mixing bowl.

Looks like a sick dick sneezed in my mixing bowl.

Thoughts on this Confection

If you visit the page for this fudge recipe you will see that it got four stars. How in holy fuck did it get four stars?

Even after I refrigerated this fudge for hours, it never made it to a fudge-like consistency (e.g. it fell apart in my hand and some chocolate smeared on my fingers after only touching it for a few seconds). I guess, when you have diabeetus you have different standards for fudge. Wait….Fudge is supposed to be delicious. Sugar-free fudge must be just the beginning of a larger government conspiracy. Thanks, OBAMA!

I bet you are wondering how one man can do so much damage to, not only ‘Murrica, but also to such delicious treats. Well, there is more than one Obama, and obviously this is the work of Michelle. I get it, Michelle. Obesity is a big (in more ways than one) problem in ‘Murrica, but leave fudge out of this War on Obesity. You will abandon the Battle on Fudge, or you will have made a powerful enemy. (FYI: that powerful enemy is me, and I am crazy fuckin’ powerful. You have been warned.)

Final Product

Thanks, Obama!

Thanks, Obama!

I was going to mail this to my father, since he lives far away. However, since this fudge didn’t turn out like real, sturdy fudge, it was un-mail-able. The fudge would have arrived as a mass of shitty peanut chocolate.

Thanks, for the worst Fudge Day ever, Obama!

Fuck, I mean, worst Father’s Day ever!

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