A dear friend of mine had a baby less than a month before Mother’s Day, so when her special day of recognition came her bits were still a little fucked up. Rather than say, “Yo shit is fucked up!”, I decided to wish her pussy a speedy recovery.
That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.
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You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.
The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients
(That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
(Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
(I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)Mix This Shit Up
Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.
TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.
Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.
I can already taste the diabeetus.
Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.
When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.
Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!
Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.
BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.
Look at this delicious shit!
Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies
Throw this shit down on your pan.
4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.
Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.
5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.
Finished cookies, bitches.
Make A Big Ass Cookie
First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.
A big ass circle of dough.
You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.
Fully baked big ass cookie!
Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.
Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…
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*How to Make a Flax Egg:
and 2 tablespoons of water.__________
This red velvet cake was a salute to a lady who likes ladies. You know who you are. *winky face*
The secret is out!
This was the recipe I used, but I added a dash of gay to give it just a hint of fabulous.
Veganize that shit: As with most recipes, this one was easy to veganize. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg
FYFI: You may be thinking, “I haven’t seen a bottle of gay in the supermarket. How do I get gay?”. Don’t fret, straight ally, I am super fuckin’ nice, so I will share the secret of getting gay in four easy steps. (Don’t forget to bring a jar so you can save your gay for future baked goods.)
That’s it? Yes, it is that easy! I always couple a drunk homosexual with the sensual feather tickle. I think that is the most effective, fastest, and fun combination for both the tickler and the tickle-ee, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.
This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.
This was a pretty good cake, but next time I will add more gay. TitTip: You can never have too much gay.
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A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.
Recipe
I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.
Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.
I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.
What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?
Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!
Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.
It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.
I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.
This shit is fuckin’ cute.
TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.
Mmmm….taste the Viagra.
Why Soft D?
“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*
Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.
Cram that soft D in your mouth.
Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.
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Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.
To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.
“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.
Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.
George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.
Pedo-Pops
I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.
I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)
These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.
Learning is Fun!
This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.
One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 