One time I made a cake about a bad class, but not all classes and students are bad. Sometimes all the best students join together in one class and gives the instructor hope for the future. This was for one of those fucktacular classes.
Skew you, bitches.
Seriously, start putting more graphs on cakes. Next time a pie chart made of actual pie.
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This was a fuckin’ simple cake I made for my father. He has diabeetus and he likes Star Wars.
Fun to make cake is.
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Sober Background
A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.
Veganize it! What did you say? Tres leches can’t be vegan, it means three milks, shithead. Fuck your negativity, bro. There are so many vegan milks that veganizing tres leches is easy. You can use a vegan butter for the butter in the recipe and VeganEgg instead of eggs. Substituting the milks is where you can get really fuckin’ creative. The whole milk can be replaced with any of your favorite vegan milks like coconut, flax, soy, almond, and so many others. The sweetened condensed milk can be replaced with Sweetened Condensed Coconut Milk
FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…
While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.
Drunken Baking
Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.
Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!
At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.
Booze-y berries FTW!
After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.
Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.
FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.
1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.
You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.
The kitchen was well-lit as shit.
I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.
Am I in the kitchen?
Seriously, I’m a great photographer.
Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.
Sober Baking = Lame Baking
After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.
No more shots…
This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.
El pastel es una mentira.
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In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.
Ingredients:
How to Make This Shit
Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.
Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!
Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?
FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.
Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.
They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.
Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.
Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.
Check out these little cunts!
TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.
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*How to Make a Flax Egg:
and 2 tablespoons of water.__________
Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.
Ingredients
Recipe
First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.
Fluff that shit.
Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.
Check out the food porn.
Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.
You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.
What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?
Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.
A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.
Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.
Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.
Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 