A dear friend of mine had a baby less than a month before Mother’s Day, so when her special day of recognition came her bits were still a little fucked up. Rather than say, “Yo shit is fucked up!”, I decided to wish her pussy a speedy recovery.
That shit was fucked up, but the vagina was happy for the kind words of encouragement.
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You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.
The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients
(That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
(Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
(I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)Mix This Shit Up
Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.
TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.
Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.
I can already taste the diabeetus.
Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.
When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.
Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!
Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.
BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.
Look at this delicious shit!
Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies
Throw this shit down on your pan.
4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.
Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.
5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.
Finished cookies, bitches.
Make A Big Ass Cookie
First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.
A big ass circle of dough.
You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.
Fully baked big ass cookie!
Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.
Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…
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*How to Make a Flax Egg:
and 2 tablespoons of water.__________
Background
A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.
Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions
The four dicktacular steps:
1. Make The Dicks
This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”
Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.
The making of a fuckton of penii.
Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.
Colorful penii!
I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!
2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes
You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.
Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:
1. Prepare that shit to bake.
2. Let that shit cool.
3. Ice that shit.
3. Gather Cute Shit
I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.
First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.
TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.
Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?
4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes
These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?
First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.
12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.
Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?
Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.
Mother fuckin’ close-ups!
Get in real close. Don’t be shy.
The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*
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Holy fuck! Diabeetus tastes sooooooo good! To get my sugar fix, I made peanut butter bars, but I substituted cookie butter for peanut butter and produced a diabeetus-filled treat!
There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?
So far, it didn’t look like it had the diabeetus touch. I needed to make it glaringly obvious that consumption of this shittacular treat would give the consumer instantaneous diabeetus.
Question: How does one make a dish look like instant diabeetus?
Answer: Just pile a fuckton of candy on the top and the sides, and draw a diabetic pussy on it.
You are once again super fuckin’ impressed with my artistic skillz.
Join me next time when I make an HIV-filled cheesecake. Mmmm…..AIDS.
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Background
Sometimes you make a bunch of cakes, and then your asshole friends start expecting a cake for their birthday. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, store-bought cakes?
This cake was for two people, who shared the same birthday week. Why not two cakes? Because (1) I’m too lazy to make two god-damned cakes, and (2) I didn’t like these people enough to make two separate cakes.
One of the assholes requested a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. He said he would “shit a brick” if I made one. FYFI: I have yet to lay my eyes upon the promised shit brick, which makes him an asshole and a liar (or a hoarder of shit bricks).
Ugly-Ass Cake Ingredients
Don’t forget to grab a fuckton of minty shit:
Ugly-Ass Cake Construction
A couple of people insisted that the best ice cream cakes have this crispy layer of chocolate, and that this separates regular ice cream cakes from fucktacular ice cream cakes. Not, I’ve never tried one of these fabled cakes myself, but I thought it would be a good idea to try and produce a crispy layer without any taste-testing or instruction.
NSFL: These images are disturbing. They depict real Girl Scout cookies being smashed into shitty bits. Don’t worry, Fatty, you can still eat them later.
To make the icing, (1) grab your homemade Andes mints (or buy some mint chocolate bars), (2) fuck them up a bit, and (3) mix into Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze with a couple drops of peppermint extract.
Dick snot with a hint of mint.
Why did I use a number 1 cake pan? When I saw this in the craft store, I couldn’t help but think about how I could turn it into something unsuitable for one-year old’s birthday.
Now to bake the mother fuckin’ cake!
Learn from my fuckin’ fails! Or repeat them for lolz.
Follow the ice cream cake construction steps here. I’m not retyping that shit in this post for you.
This shit is starting to look super fuckin’ ugly.
Remember the 2 girls one cup craze? I’m not going to post a link to the video, so if you were living ass-deep in a dick-hole a few years ago, I’ll leave it up to you to Google that shit yourself. Titbit: If I don’t go ahead and supply the link for something, then it’s probably pretty disgusting and very NSFFW.
These two assholes had never seen an uglier cake, or had that much dick snot in their mouths at once. Trying new things is fun!
It turns out I’m horrible at drawing assholes. I decided to go with the emoticons for butts that included an anus.
I was pretty excited that I finally got to use the piping tip that always reminds me of an anus as an actual anus. Look at the picture below. Totally an anus. The people who make the piping tips have a sick sense of humor. I applaud them for this trait.
That’s right. Get a little closer. Rub your nose in the asshole.
My Friends Are Dicks
I sent a picture of this cake to a couple of friends, and because I have wonderfully supportive friends, one of them immediately replied with this:
My wonderfully supportive friends thought I made an ugly-ass cake, but found the most eloquent way to tell me.
Like ugly people, ugly cakes have a right to live and shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Remember: It’s what’s inside that counts, and this cake tasted as good as the dick mucus it was covered in.
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The Foul-Mouthed Baker 