Tag Archives: limp dick

I Can Fly Twice As High: Dick-Shaped Hot Air Balloon Cookies

17 Jul

Dicktacular Baking Inspiration

The day someone shared penispans.com with me my life was forever changed for the better. From that moment forward I wanted to create something fucktacular a with a phallic baking accessory that would be perceived as something more than just a dick.

I found out friends of mine were having a birthday party for their bad-ass one-year-old, and the theme was hot air balloons. “Holy fuck!” I shouted, as I grabbed my novelty penis cookie cutter and set myself to sketching out a sweet, dick-shaped hot air balloon.

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time. 

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time.

BTFW: If you are thinking: “Hey, this isn’t appropriate for a one-year old’s birthday party! What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” That is a perfectly normal thing to think. However, please keep in mind:

  1. The kid is one, so she’ll have no idea these are dicks.
  2. Any other kids who see these would have no idea they are chewing on some nommy cocks.
  3. I made other non-dick shaped cookies, so if my friends didn’t want these special cookies out for their kiddo’s party they didn’t have to put them out. When I sent these to my friends, I even threw in some of the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies because I’m thoughtful as fuck.
  4. You’re boring! Don’t be such a prude, fucker.

Cookie Cock Construction

I had to do all the regular cookie making shit: mix an assload of dough, cut out a fuckton of shapes (ex: dicks, rainbows, etc.), and then bake that shit.

Some baked dicks.

Some baked dicks.

Now comes the part that only a master cookie decorator could complete: making the dicks resemble hot air balloons.

Just fuckin’ with you! It’s not hard. Even a fuckhead could do it, so give it a try, fuckhead.

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

Be Fuckin’ Careful!

Be careful with this shit! These dicks are soft and break easily.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

I never cry over a broken dick; I repurpose it.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Hot Air Balloon Dick Cookies

Here are the fucktacular products of my labors.

This shit is colorful.

This shit is colorful.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that's shaped like a dick.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that’s shaped like a dick.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Cookie Cock Comic

I made a horrible comic with a broken dick.

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Why Would I Buy a Cock Cookie Cutter?

Why wouldn’t everyone buy a fuckin’ cookie cutter that allows them to make dick-shaped cookies? The possibilities with this cookie cutter are mother fuckin’ endless! I’ve made Christmas Cock Cookies and some Valentine’s Day cock cookies with this cookie cutter.

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Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

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