Tag Archives: Shit

Pussy and Cakes: Part II

22 May

My cats like to nap in the sunlight and eat mother fuckin’ tuna all day until I bring out the mixer and start baking. In Part I, you learned that cats are assholes. In Part II, you’ll learn much of the same shit.

1. Cats don’t give a shit about what recipe you choose.

Why would they fuckin’ care? Can they eat what you are making? Probably, but do they fuckin’ want to eat it? Hell no!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

2. Cats couldn’t care fuckin’ less about your god-damned ingredients.

“Are you bringing out more cat toys? Catnip? Stinky-ass fish? No. Then, what the fuck is all this noise, cunt. I’m trying to get my 18+ hours of sleep, and I’ve barely gotten 14 so far.”

-My Loving Cats

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

3. Cats LOVE The Cock.

This was a strange thing to discover. I just thought I should share the information with others. Maybe other people have cats with a phallic infatuation.

FYFI: These were some big-ass dick cookie cutters. The biggest one was approximately the length of one sitting, fatass cat, which you can see in the dicktacular picture below.

This pussy love The Cock!

This pussy love The Cock!

4. Pussy fur: Put that shit in everything. 

Cats may act like they hate you, and they really do. How do I know? They get their fuckin’ fur in everything!

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Pussy loves nothing more than to ruin your fucktacular creations.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part Dos

27 Mar

I’ve already committed several baking fuck-ups, but there is always room to learn more by fuckin’ some more shit up. Here are some recent fuck-ups:

Fuck-Up #1: Not setting the timer and burning shit.

I thought I set the timer, but then I smelled the burning. TitTip: Don’t be a shithead and always double-check to make sure you set your timer correctly.

There are many ways to burn baked goods, if that’s what you are into… I bet that’s some sort of porn I haven’t stumbled upon yet: people of all shapes and sizes rubbing burnt, still warm cookies on their genitals. I could get into that. Just imagine a cunt covered in burnt oatmeal raisin goo, or a cock dipped in an overcooked, crumbly shortbread mess. The thought of that just made me fizz all over my keyboard.

Those aren't double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Those aren’t double chocolate chip cookies on the left. I burnt the shit out of those cookies.

Fuck-Up #2: Not letting a cake cool long enough and destroying your shit.

The reason you are supposed to wait a few minutes for a cake to completely cool is so it will easily slide out of a pan in one shittacular piece. I totally fucked up this cake, but it was okay, since it was for a couple of assholes.

Shit. I didn't wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Shit. I didn’t wait for the cake to cool long enough. Fuck Sticks.

Fuck-up #3: Pushing too much icing out at once, like a fuckhead.

When you are decorating a cake, be careful to not get fuckin’ crazy and squeeze too much icing at once and cause a mess. Sometimes it is very easy to cover or clean up a mess, and other times it is not. In this case, I could not clean it up, but it didn’t matter because the people consuming the cookie cake were totally drunk.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

Shit Tits! No, I literally got this shit on my tits.

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Green Tea Ice Cream Cake

12 Dec

Ice cream cakes are fucktacular, so make them often to improve your chances of diabeetus.

Ice cream cake > cake

Ice cream cake > cake

This was a green tea ice cream cake. I used this cake, but added two layers of green tea ice cream to make it even fuckin’ better.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

This cake got the shit nommed out of it.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part 1

7 Nov

I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.

Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.

I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.

Don't let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don't want to burn your cake.

Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.

Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.

The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.

Oh well, your friends probably aren't professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red. 

Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.

Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!

Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.

Nommy! A fuckin' smashed fruit fly!

Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!

Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.

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Dear Vegans, Thanks for Being Fuckin’ Picky Eaters

1 Nov

Today is World Vegan Day! In honor of this day, I will share all the fucktacular stuff I have learned from baking for my vegan friends.

1. The best chocolate cake recipe ever is vegan. I was fuckin’ shocked at how good a cake could be without butter and eggs. I feel like meat and animal products have let me down.

2. Exchanging butter for butter-flavored shortening doesn’t change the taste of icing. My favorite icing is now my own chocolate buttercream icing, which I make vegan. Again, animal products are letting me down. WHAT THE FUCK, ANIMALS?!?! If I can’t use you in baking, you will soon be rendered useless to me, which would allow you to live a longer, happier life.

3. Food fur thought: Can vegans eat the cat fur that will probably be in my baked goods? Keeping cat fur out of my baked goods is mission fuckin’ impossible. (It is also impossible to keep cat fur off my clothes, couch, bartender, tits, floor, vagina, friends, and right eye). I wondered how vegans felt about cat fur in their food. Well, when in doubt, ask a vegan! (That should be a weekly video blog: Ask a Vegan!) I queried a vegan friend and she said since the “cats gave up their fur willingly” it was okay for her to eat a cake with cat fur in it. Since all vegans are the same, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to confirm this with anymore vegans. That fuckin’ mystery is solved!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

Never fear, vegans! You can totally eat this shit!

I’ve learned so much this fuckin’ year, and I owe some of that to vegans and their strange, self-inflicted dietary restrictions. Thanks for being so fuckin’ picky, vegans!

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