The Foul-Mouthed Baker

Mother Fuckin’ Background

Recently, I was tasked with making a princess castle cake for a friend’s little girl’s fifth birthday. I’m not a fan of girly shit, but I was excited by this request.

I disclosed that I had been wanting to make a princess castle cake complete with a princess slaying a dragon to protect her kingdom. (We need an equal showing of chicks and dudes saving kingdoms, and princesses don’t need princes to take care of them; they can handle their own shit.) My friend said the idea sounded perfect because her little girl “doesn’t take shit from anyone”.

Plan The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

This project allowed me to channel my inner-Girl Scout. When I was a Girl Scout, I learned to:

“Always be fuckin’ prepared as shit.” – Girl Scout Promise

Those are important words, and I live my life by them.

Decide how big you want your cake, put its foundation together, and draw shitty blueprints.

My blueprint complete with shitty dragon drawing!

TitTip: An idea and goals are very fuckin’ important for a cake project of this size. I had several goals and requests to honor.

FYFI: The little girl this cake was for wanted a (1) purple castle, (2) surrounded by a moat, and (3) the Rice Krispie Treats needed to be M&M’s-filled. I didn’t understand the M&M’s request, but I discovered that children are easily impressed. Five-year-olds think that to put M&M’s in Rice Krispie Treats you need to be a shittacular wizard.

My goals were to make (1) all parts edible, (2) form non-phallic turrets, and (3) construct recognizable items and creatures. (Recognizable meaning the dragon looks like a dragon without people pointing and asking, “What the fuck is that?”)

Ingredients For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

• Cake layers (If you are a lazy fuckhead, use a shitty boxed cake. Titbit: Children heart funfetti, but that mix isn’t vegan. However, it is very easy to make a white cake and add vegan sprinkles. Trust me when I say, “You don’t need a fuckin’ boxed cake mix!”)
• Rice Krispie Treats with M&M’s (Veganize that shit: Dandies are vegan marshmallows and dark chocolate M&M’s are vegan)
• A variety of food colors and vegan white, dark, and milk chocolate (If you are like me, you’ll need extra cause you’ll fuck shit up.)
• Shitload of waxed paper (Most of the ingredients are sticky as fuck.)
• Shape-N-Amaze (This shit is expensive and accidentally vegan!)
• Mother fuckin’ sprinkles!
• Ice cream cones (Titbit: The pointed-bottom cones will make you less likely to make dick-like turrets.)
• Approximately one metric fuckton of Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze
• Your god-dammed imagination

BTFW: Even though I wanted to make everything edible on this cake, I didn’t fuckin’ concern myself with how most of it tasted, with the exception of the actual cake part and the icing.

Assembling The Shit For The Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

If you look at my castle blueprint, I wanted to have a brick road in my landscape. Use the following instructions and pictures to develop your own brick road:

1. Cut a small hole in one corner of a sandwich bag, put some melted white chocolate in there, and shit tiny bricks out on wax paper.
2. Draw your road on to the wax paper.
3. Once your Candy Melt bricks have hardened, you should trim and arrange them on the road you drew. Then, use another color to cement those fuckin’ bricks together.
4. Now, you’ll realize that you should have flipped your waxed paper over, but you already cut all your bricks to fit the flip side of the road! So you’ll get fuckin’ pissed you wasted so much time trying to make perfect, lil’ fuckin’ bricks.
5. Then, say “Fuck it!”, and smash your fuckin’ bricks into haphazard, lil’ pieces. (OMJeebus this is cathartic.)
6. Get color of melted chocolate stuff, pour it all over your cunty road, and quickly throw your broken bricks, which are now fuckin’ sweet cobblestones, all over the melted candy before that shit dries.

I’m a genius for figuring out how to turn my mistakes into something shittacular!

This is how you can make dragon, who just got fuckin’ defeated by a badass princess.

1. Get some green Shape-N-Amaze, roll out a really thin layer, and put it over some cake or something else that you would put in your mouth (no dicks, please).
2. Make some tiny dragon feet. Ain’t that shit cute, yo?
3. Then, make a couple of cold, dead dragon hands and a neck.
4. Give that fucker a head!
5. Don’t forget the long-ass tail!
6. Put little spiky bits on the dragon. I made mine from coloring my melted white chocolate, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.
7. Make your dragon look as dead as your grandmother. (Ouch. Sometimes I take things too far. Oh well.) I think the tongue sticking out and x eyes indicates this asshole is dead.
8. Take a good look at what you just created. You’re a fuckin’ confection wizard!

This mother fucker is dead!

Now, do similar things to create other decorations and your badass princess. I gave this princess a unicorn because unicorns are fucktacular.

Badass princess riding a fuckin’ unicorn!

Building The Fuckin’ Magical Castle

1. Cut the corners off of the Crisp Rice Krispie Treats.
2. Be sure to put some icing between each layer of this castle.
3. Cut the cake to fit the blueprint. I made the blueprint for a fuckin’ reason.
4. Put another layer on that bitch.
5. Ice the shit out of those top layers.
6. Get a lollipop stick and shove that shit down into the cardboard where the turrets should go. (This will keep your turrets from collapsing and making a fuckin’ mess.)
7. Find a cookie cutter or something circular and cut a shitton of circles out of the Rice Krispie Treats.
8. Poke holes in the circular Rice Krispie Treats, and cram that shit on the lollipop poll until reaching the desired height.
9. Make sure you put some icing between each layer of your non-cock-like turrets.
10. Ice the whole fuckin’ castle. It should look like a dick sneezed all over this shit. Well, like several dicks sneezed all over it.
11. COLORFUL SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE!
12. Pipe some purple icing on the castle to make it look like a castle. You know, make bricks n’ shit.
13. Get some ice cream cones and cover them in white Candy Melts. Be very careful to make sure it doesn’t look like a dick. This shit is for children, not a twisted, penii-worshiping bachelorette party, pervert.
14. Put your cones on top of the turrets, and flags on top of the cones. This shit is starting to look royal.

Building a mother fuckin’ magical castle.

Landscaping This Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You can see the pictures below. I don’t think I need to hold your hand and walk you through the steps, like a fuckin’ child.

Landscaping the mother fuckin’ kingdom!

Admire Your Mother Fuckin’ Kingdom

You just did a shitload of work for something small children and a few adults will devour quickly. Take a few minutes to think about how fucktacular you are.

This shit is done, bitches.

In my excitement, I forgot to give the dragon a wound. I took the princess’s sword and stabbed the shit out of that asshole dragon.

I stabbed that fucker!

The badass princess slayed the dragon! Next time you give a little girl a cake with a princess on it, consider making it badass, since princesses can do more than look pretty. Princesses can ride unicorns, drink with the common folk, slay dragons, have a couple of fuck buddy princes on the side, and SCIENCE.

Badass princess here to handle all your asshole dragon woes.

Can’t wait to make a princess castle cake for an adult, so I can cover it in penii turrets.

__________

Tags: badass, Baking, Baking and Confections, Birthday, bitches, Cake, Cake decorating, castle, dragon, dragon slaying, Fuck, fucktacular, Humor, kingdom, lol, princess, Unicorn, Vegan, Vegan baking, veganized