The Foul-Mouthed Baker

I have made a fuckton of cookies of different shapes and sizes. The most common shape and size are large dicks, but don’t take my word for it. Here they are for your viewing pleasure:

• Hot Air Balloons
• Christmas Hats
• Valentine’s Day: Hearts, Rainbows, n’ Shit (also some dicks)
• Thanksgiving: Pilgrims, Turkeys, and Native Americans
• Dicktacular Holiday Cookies

All these wonderful cookies were made from a random recipe I found on the Interwebs. I have made the recipe even more fucktacular over the years, and I will now share it with you because you deserve a tasty cookie full of diabetes.

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The shit you’ll need for the cookie:

• 1 cup of vegan butter (I use soy-free Earth Balance.)
• 1 cup of organic granulated sugar
• 2 flax eggs* or Vegan Eggs
• 1 teaspoon of vanilla
• 3 cups of gluten-free flour blend (I use mother fuckin’ Pamela’s.)
• 3/4 teaspoon of Xanthan Gum
• 2 teaspoons of baking powder
• 1 teaspoon of salt

The shit you’ll need for the icing:

• 1 cup of organic powdered sugar
• 2 teaspoons of water
• 2 teaspoons of clear syrup (I use this shit.)
• 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract
• Food coloring of your choice

Make some fuckin’ cookies:

1. In a large mixing bowl, cream the fuck out of the butter and sugar.
2. Make the vegan or flax eggs. If using the Vegan Eggs, prepare it according to the package. Use the following instructions to make flax eggs:
   • Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
   • Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
   • If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.
   • This make 1 egg equivalent, so you’ll need twice this much for this recipe.
3. Beat in the vegan (or flax) eggs and vanilla.
4. Mix in the xanthan gum, baking powder, and salt.
5. Then, slowly mix in the flour. If you mix more than a cup at a time that shit will go all over your kitchen.
6. Chill that shit in the fridge, overnight. (Plan ahead, bitch.)
7. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
8. Roll out the dough and cut into your desired shapes. I prefer dicks, but you can pick whatever lame shape you want. Probably hearts or some other dumb shit.
9. Place the shapes on the pan about an inch or two apart and bake for 10-15 minutes or until they are lightly golden.
10. Be sure this shit is completely cool before you try to apply the fuckin’ icing.

Vegan eggs on the left and flax eggs on the right. This shit looks pretty gross, but tastes pretty fuckin’ good.

The dough labeled “Fuck” is with flax eggs and the dough that is not labeled “Fuck” is with vegan eggs.

Here’s a fuckton of cookies I’ve made.

How to make the icing:

1. Stir the powdered sugar and water together until it is smooth as fuck.
2. Add your clear syrup and almond extract. Mix until it is glossy. If the icing is too thick add more syrup.
3. Divide your icing into bowls and mix in the food coloring. You can dip the cookies or write on them.
4. This shit will dry out quickly, so use it fast or cover with a moist cloth to keep from drying out.

Here’s some shit I’ve decorated. Yes, I even made cookies that weren’t penis shaped for a 2 year old’s Paw Patrol birthday party. I still don’t know what the shit “Paw Patrol” is.

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Tags: Baking, dick cookies, gluten-free, Sugar Cookies, Vegan