Pussy and Cakes: My Badass Life as a Baker

11 Jul

The Interwebs already loves cats and diabeetus. I happen to be in a great position to satisfy the needs of the Interwebs, since I enjoy baking and I have a few cats.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed about cats and baking:

1. Cats don’t give a flying fuck about baking. 

Unless you are making a cake composed of yarn, cat nip, and ribbons, cats couldn’t give any less fucks about baking.

This is Stinky, and she doesn't give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

This is Stinky, and she doesn’t give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

2. Cats are great at passing judgement on a horrible confection.

I tried to make some diabeetus-free fudge for my father, but it turned out to be super disgusting. It may have been the worst thing I’ve ever made. The cats were sure to let me know with disapproving stares, turned backs, and gazes that scream “WTF”.

All the cats came out to tell me that I'm a failure as a baker. I'm glad I always have their support.

All the cats came out to tell me I’m a failure as a baker. I’m glad I always have their support.

3. Cats will want your undying attention while you are baking.

Of course, as soon as you give them your attention they will immediately run off and take a nap. Cats are cunty like that.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

4. Even through all their cuntiness, cats are inspirations to baking.

All that cunty behavior gets me in the mood to bake something fucktacularly creative.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

5. Cats provide the secret ingredient willingly.

Everyone had a good laugh at the previous cake’s message, but there’s always a bit of truth in every good joke.

Too much fur in your cupcakes and everyone would catch on to their game. Cats are sly lil' fuckers. 

Too much fur in the cupcake and people would catch on to their game. Cats are sly, lil’ fuckers.

Side Note: I can very easily tell which cat’s fur I’ve  just pulled from my mouth. After I find the culprit, I walk over to the cat, present the fur to them, we knowingly smile at each other, and part ways.

Take Away Message for Fellow Bakers

If you are a baker, you better have a cat or four. If you don’t have a cat, your baking probably sucks.

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Chocolate Balls of Bliss

7 Jul

Today is Chocolate Day! Time to celebrate Chocolate Day with chocolate balls of bliss. (A friend of mine described these chocolate truffles as “balls of bliss”, and said she felt dirty eating them.)

Also, chocolate balls of bliss are the key ingredient in attracting Penisaurus Rex.

Ingredients

Assembling Blissful Balls 

Put a bunch of chocolate chips in a microwavable bowl in the microwave with a little bit of Criso and let it spin until that shit is melted (a couple of minutes). I like my chocolate balls soft, so I use more Crisco. If you like tough, hard balls, then use less Crisco.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

There is way too much Crisco in this picture. Oops.

If you used the buttercream icing I indicated, you can freeze it and then roll it into balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

I fizz the whole time I make these balls.

Once you roll the buttercream into balls, you can drop the balls into the melted chocolate, pull the balls out with a utensil, and put the balls on some waxed paper.

TitTip: Use a fork to pull the balls out of the melted chocolate. I used a spoon, which is why there are giant puddles of chocolate under all my balls. Nothing wrong with the extra chocolate, but if you are one of those snooty confectionists you’ll probably want your balls to look pretty. I never go for pretty balls. I go for delicious balls. Delicious = Diabeetus.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Chocolate balls belong in your mouth.

Once you have covered all the balls in chocolate, put the balls in the fridge. In about a hour, the chocolate balls should be firm and then you can devour those fuckin’ balls.

Making Your Own Balls of Bliss

You can do a lot with this recipe and make these balls your own balls. I’ve added peanut butter to the chocolate buttercream recipe and used that to make peanut butter truffles. You can also try adding some other flavors, nuts, or fruits to the buttercream.

If you don’t like dark chocolate, you can go fuck yourself.  I mean, you can use milk chocolate chips or white chocolate chips.

I have some top secret ideas that I might share one day. When? When I fuckin’ feel like it. Don’t rush my creativity.

Attracting Penisaurus Rex

The main reason to make chocolate balls of bliss is to attract Penisaurus Rex. Penisaurus Rex fuckin’ loves chocolate balls of bliss. If you leave a plate of them outside your door over night, he will eat them all. Don’t try and stay up and look for him. Penisaurus Rex can’t perform under that kind of pressure, so he will only come if you aren’t watching.

I saw him one time, but I had to use a series of mirrors to catch a glimpse of him. Also, I was drunk, so no one believes that I saw him.

Legend has it, one cannot look at him directly, like Medusa. Unlike Medusa, if you look directly at Penisaurus Rex, instead of turning to stone, he will just jizz on your face. The jizz tastes like chocolate truffles, so the jizz is nice and refreshing. Or so I’ve been told…

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

My artistic rendition of how a kindergartner would depict Penisaurus Rex eating chocolate balls.

Coming Soon…

The elusive VaginaRaptor.

Sometimes she’s a slippery girl.

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Happy Birthday ‘Murica!

4 Jul

Today is the birthday of the greatest nation on Earth: ‘Murica!

I made a cookie big enough to fuck up Lady Liberty’s blood glucose levels.

Ingredients

  • 2 giant cookies
  • 1 dash of fuckin’ justice
  • 4 1/2 teaspoons of misogyny
  • 3 asstons of Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze
  • 1 cup of liberty
  • 2 tablespoons of ethnocentrism
  • All the pride you can muster (which should be a fuckton, unless you are a foreigner)

Add all the ingredients together and you have the best fuckin’ birthday cake this nation, or any other nation, has ever laid eyes upon.

'Murica! Fuck Yeah!

‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

I contemplated deep-frying the whole thing. Or topping it in deep-fried butter. Or both.

Instead, I just drew some butter and a Big Gulp in the eagle’s talons. Drawing the butter was easier than deep-frying butter or the whole cookie. I am an ‘Murican, therefore I am lazy.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Have some butter to wash down that giant soda.

Happy fuckin’ birthday, Murrica!

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

27 Jun

Cookie butter is like peanut butter, but a fuckton better, like a shitton of fucktons better.

Recipe

I got the recipe from here. I did change a few things though because I got to make this shit my own and vegan.

Veganize that shit: Use VeganEgg in place of the eggs in the recipe and make your own buttermilk. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a 3/4 cup of your favorite vegan milk and half a tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow it to sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready

Crunchy as shit.

This shit is crunchy!

Put some crunchy cookie butter mix in the middle before you top it off and put it in the oven.

Throw the crunchy shit in with the batter.

Bake that shit!

Bake that shit!

I didn’t use the icing that comes with the recipe. I used my own fizzworthy chocolate butter cream icing. Why? Cause I like it more. That’s the only fuckin’ reason I need.

Ice those fuckin' cupcakes!

Ice those fuckin’ cupcakes!

I arranged the cupcakes in a nice arch, but decided arches are for angels and McDonald’s. Then, I took a shitty picture. I’m not a photographer. If you think I should be, then you expect too much from me, asshole.

Mother Fuckin' Cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes!

Seriously, I took about 15 pictures and this one was the best one.

Once I got my jollies from writing “mother fuckin'” on something as innocent as cupcakes, I finished them by topping them with the rest of the cookie butter crunchy shit.

Close up, bitch!

Here’s your close up, bitches!

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