Tag Archives: Cake decorating

Be Thankful Your Dreams Aren’t Fucked Up

28 Nov

To make a really long story short: (1) a friend dreamed about a T-Rex using the back of a wolf to get himself off, (2) someone suggested I make this very appropriate dream into a reality, and (3) I make fuckin’ dreams come true.

T-Rex's frustration is rising.

T-Rex’s frustration is rising.

I had the T-Rex cake pan, so I only needed to make the wolf and a giant T-Rex dick.

TitTip: Making cake shapes is pretty fuckin’ easy, so there’s not a necessity for a shaped pan. For the wolf, I had to find a wolf picture with a nice, straight, firm back, print it, and then cut it out. Next, I put the wolf picture on the top of a cake and cut around the edges. That’s it! One cake wolf all ready to facilitate in the satisfaction of T-Rex. You can repeat these steps to make the giant T-Rex dick.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

When I presented the cake to my friend I said, “I made your dream cum true.”

The finished product…

Probably the most artsy and beautiful cake I've made to date. I'm available for weddings and birthdays.

This is the most artsy and beautiful cake I’ve made to date. I’m available for weddings and birthdays.

I’m Fuckin’ Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very proud and thankful for how far along my cake decorating skills have come. Please enjoy these close-ups.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

The friend I made this for, ever so slowly cut out the giant T-Rex dick, crammed it in his mouth, and ate the whole thing.

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I pointed out that the T-Rex had a rape eye. While people seemed to agree, one person decided he needed to eat the eye. As soon as he got a chance, he cut out the T-Rex eye and ate it. He then proceeded to eat the wolf’s eye. No one knows why he wanted to eat those eyes so bad. Maybe the eyes gave him strange sexual powers?

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

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Cake Fuck-Ups: Part 1

7 Nov

I am not a professional cake decorator or baker, so I make a lot of mistakes. Because my professional reputation is not on the line, but mostly because I don’t give a shit, I feel no embarrassment in sharing my fails with people. If you pay attention, you might fuckin’ learn something.

Fail #1: Not paying attention to recommended temperatures.

I thought I had this baking shit down, but not too long ago I burnt a cake while teaching a friend how to bake. It taught her the valuable lesson of not having the temperature a 100 degrees over what’s recommended.

Don't let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don't want to burn your cake.

Don’t let recommended temperatures tell you what to do! Unless, you don’t want to burn your cake.

Fail #2: Scraping a wonderfully decorated cake against the side of a pan, like a fuckhead.

The first time I decorated a cake all fancy n’ shit, I scrapped it against the side of the pan, which fucked it up a bit. I should probably be more careful with this shit.

Oh well, your friends probably aren't professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red. 

Oh well, your friends probably aren’t professional cake decorators, so those fuckers will never notice, unless you put it up on the Interwebs and circle it in red.

Fail #3: KILL ALL THE FRUIT FLIES!

Trying to bake in an apartment filled with fruit flies is pretty fuckin’ ridiculous. Those flying assholes are attracted to anything sweet, so they will fly right ontowhatever I’m mixing or baking. I’ve lost many good cookies and cakes to fruit flies, or rather pieces of cookies and cakes. I didn’t throw away the whole batch. I’m not fuckin’ wasteful, and, you know, starving kids in Africa and some junk.

Nommy! A fuckin' smashed fruit fly!

Nommy! A fuckin’ smashed fruit fly!

Cat fur in my baked goods is a whole different story, and a more frequent occurrence.

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Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.

Judgement

I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN' RIBBONS!

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN’ RIBBONS!

I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!

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Happy Birthday, Kansas State Fair! 100 Fabulous Years!

6 Sep

The Kansas State Fair has baking competitions that invite non-professional bakers to compete for (small) cash prizes and the sweet glory of being a domestic goddess/god. Last year I entered a couple of the cookie baking competitions, and had a lot of fun being a loser.

From last year’s experience I learned: all baking entries are on display in the Domestic Arts building for the entirety of the state fair, which is about two weeks. Even if you lose everyone can see your baked goods on display. This gave me a shittacular idea for this year.

2013 Kansas State Fair Entries

Besides entering in a few cookie and chocolate cake competitions, I entered in two cake decorating competitions, and a special category called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”.

Both of the cake decorating competitions had a theme of “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I didn’t want to break the rules, so I used the theme but twisted that shit a bit.

FYFI: Kansas is a conservative state with an ultra conservative governor, Sam Brownback. (Brownback has backwards views on gay marriage). I stuck with the theme, but picked social issues that: (1) are unresolved in Kansas, and (2) I thought I could depict in cake form.

Here are my two cakes. I used some fondant for the first time for the rainbows.

All families love the shit out of one another.

All families love the shit out of one another.

I’ve only been decorating cakes for less than a year. Act now and you could be making these amazing stick figures in no time!

This cake kept with the birthday-rainbow theme, but was also facing some recent religious inequality of the state, as well.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

Wish I had a bigger cake, so I could have put all the religious symbols on the cake.

The other competition called “The Governor’s Cookie Jar”, was much more complicated. I had to have at least 9 varieties of cookies with 5 different types of cookies. If you are counting, that’s a fuckton of cookies! For this competition, you also have a 15 inched cubed area to decorate with the same theme: “Happy 100th Birthday, Kansas State Fair”. I haven’t been this crafty since I was in Girl Scouts, so that’s why it looks like a middle school girl made it.

The fun thing about this competition is that the winner gets to give their jar to the governor. I won’t win, but I have a lot of fun imaging Brownback’s face as I hand it to him. After I hand him the jar, we make a couple of jokes and share an equality cookie.

This is the Governor's Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

This is the Governor’s Cookie Jar I made because Brownback has a lot of pride in rainbows!

I tried to stick with the rainbow-birthday theme with the ten different kinds of cookies I made for this jar.

So. Much. Fuckin'. Pride.

So. Much. Fuckin’. Pride.

My favorite jar decoration is this Kansas Pride flag I made. I was in San Francisco about a month ago, saw lots of California pride flags, and thought Kansas could use a colorful upgrade.

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It's so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Make your own Kansas Pride flag! It’s so easy a woman with the arts and crafts skills of a middle school girl can do it!

Now I am off to drive about an hour from where I live in Kansas to drop off my creations to be judged by some old people. I think this will be uneventful, but a friend of mine said she is ready to bail me out of “state fair jail” if I get in trouble for the flag.

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Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

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