Tag Archives: Chocolate cake

Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing: Fuckin’ Mouth Heaven

22 Aug

Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.

Ingredients

  • 1 8oz package of vegan cream cheese, softened, like a non-erect penis
  • 1 stick o’ vegan butter, softened, like a non-erect penis (Obviously, I don’t have many good baking descriptions in my repertoire.)
  • Fuckton of powdered sugar (4 cups)
  • Sriracha Sauce, to your own fuckin’ distinguished taste

Recipe

First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.

Fluff that shit.

Fluff that shit.

Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.

Check out the food porn.

Check out the food porn.

Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.

You can't add "too much" Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin' crazy.

You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.

What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?

Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.

A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.

Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.

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Don’t Let the Dark Side Ruin Your Nameday, Harry Potter.

31 Jul

Today is Harry Potter’s Name Day, but he’s dead, right? Instead, I will tell you about the time I was tasked with making a chocolate birthday cake for Professor McGonagall.

You are probably wondering why a powerful wizard of the Light Side would task a muggle with making a cake. The answer is: I have no fuckin’ clue. Prof McGonagall said she would give me a sock and not kill me if I made her a cake. I’m not sure why I would want a sock, but I didn’t want to die; therefore, I decided making her a cake would be in my best interest.

The Epic Adventure: Making a Cake

Very early in this epic adventure, I made the mistake of an apprentice baker: I burned the fuckin’ cake. This burnt cake was clearly the work of the Dark Side. I needed to call upon the help of a higher power, for the witch, McGonagall, would surely have my head if I presented her with a burnt cake.

To call upon the forces of good, I went outside and found the steepest cliff within miles of my oven. I whispered “Valar Morghulis” as I jumped off the cliff, but Falcor caught me on his back right before I splattered on the ground into a million muggle pieces. I told the luck dragon about my burnt cake dilemma, but he was on his way to help end a story that he thought, “would never fuckin’ end”. Falcor dropped me off with someone he thought could assist me: the Goblin King (AKA: David Bowie).

The Goblin King tried to entertain me with dance magic, while he played with a crystal ball, but this didn’t help with my problem. Just as I was starting to get really panicked about my imminent death, Eric Northman was in front of me holding the still-beating heart of the Goblin King.

After Eric consoled me with his sexy sex, he told me that if I held the Goblin King’s heart while chanting “Live long and prosper” I would not burn the cake again. With Eric’s wizard spell, I was able to successfully construct a chocolate cake for the she-wolf McGonagall. She was pleased with my offering and let me keep my life.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

Check out the pun, bitches. Bitchy witches love puns.

I will never forget what I learned during my epic journey, which can be summed up in one epic quote:

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.

My favorite part of this movie was when Bill Compton put on the sorting hat.

Epilogue

After Falcor finished off that really long story he came back to chill with me. However, he was soon summoned to take care of another problem: white walkers. Falcor and I slayed all of the white walkers, restored peace to the realm, and stole a super shiny ring from some hobo-like creature that referred to the ring as “my precious”. We pawned the ring for booze money and got wasted. It was the bestest day ever.

FYFI: Luck dragons need a fuckton of booze to get wasted.

This is the greatest work of Harry Potter fan-fiction ever. Tell your friends.

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Pussy and Cakes: My Badass Life as a Baker

11 Jul

The Interwebs already loves cats and diabeetus. I happen to be in a great position to satisfy the needs of the Interwebs, since I enjoy baking and I have a few cats.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed about cats and baking:

1. Cats don’t give a flying fuck about baking. 

Unless you are making a cake composed of yarn, cat nip, and ribbons, cats couldn’t give any less fucks about baking.

This is Stinky, and she doesn't give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

This is Stinky, and she doesn’t give a fuck about mini cupcakes.

2. Cats are great at passing judgement on a horrible confection.

I tried to make some diabeetus-free fudge for my father, but it turned out to be super disgusting. It may have been the worst thing I’ve ever made. The cats were sure to let me know with disapproving stares, turned backs, and gazes that scream “WTF”.

All the cats came out to tell me that I'm a failure as a baker. I'm glad I always have their support.

All the cats came out to tell me I’m a failure as a baker. I’m glad I always have their support.

3. Cats will want your undying attention while you are baking.

Of course, as soon as you give them your attention they will immediately run off and take a nap. Cats are cunty like that.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

Bear was trying to get my attention while I was making an ice cream cake, I told her to fuck off, and she retaliated.

4. Even through all their cuntiness, cats are inspirations to baking.

All that cunty behavior gets me in the mood to bake something fucktacularly creative.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

Seriously, there is cat fur in everything I make.

5. Cats provide the secret ingredient willingly.

Everyone had a good laugh at the previous cake’s message, but there’s always a bit of truth in every good joke.

Too much fur in your cupcakes and everyone would catch on to their game. Cats are sly lil' fuckers. 

Too much fur in the cupcake and people would catch on to their game. Cats are sly, lil’ fuckers.

Side Note: I can very easily tell which cat’s fur I’ve  just pulled from my mouth. After I find the culprit, I walk over to the cat, present the fur to them, we knowingly smile at each other, and part ways.

Take Away Message for Fellow Bakers

If you are a baker, you better have a cat or four. If you don’t have a cat, your baking probably sucks.

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Mixing Alcohol and Baking: Best Idea or Bestest Idea?

29 Jun

Baking is fun, and alcohol is known to enhance fun. Logic dictates the pairing of baking with alcohol would increase the fun of baking.

I hypothesize that I (and anyone who joins in) will have a shitton of fun, but the drinking could be detrimental to baking (ex: burnt baked goods, burnt human flesh, etc.)

The following is my scientific account of the pairing of these two delights.

Baking Marathon!

I started off the evening mixing and baking several items (ex: chocolate cake, pretzel and potato chip cupcakes, etc.). Also, I really wanted to use these tiny animal pans (e.g., lion, lobster, chicken, turtle, butterfly, and bunny) I just ordered from a China person via e-Bay.

Chocolate chickens, lobsters, and butterflies! Oh, fuckin’ my!

Baked a lot of different shit.

Baked a lot of different shit.

Just Add Alcohol..

…and a friend, so you don’t have to drink alone. A shittacular friend of mine came over with some Lime-A-Ritas (that shit is delicious). We started drinking, and I continued to bake.

You know how everyone seems to have that cunty friend that tries to tell them not to drink so much? For me, that cunty friend is usually one my cats. The cats know me best and are all too familiar with me when I drink. One of them, Stinky, was concerned for how the rest of the evening would turn out and started glaring at me over a giant cookie. Or maybe she was glaring at the giant cookie?

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

The local pussy was a bit apprehensive about our drunken behavior.

As I hypothesized before beginning this experiment, there were baking casualties. The fuckin’ turtle drank too much and didn’t stay in its god-damned pan. Turtle always overindulges.

Go home, Turtle! You're drunk!

Go home, Turtle! You’re drunk!

TitTip: If you use these small, fuckin’ pans, wrap some aluminum foil around the base to keep it from tilting. Sober turtles are tastier than drunken turtles.

This is where the pictures from the evening end…

The Morning After

I hate cleaning up after baking, so I definitely didn’t clean up when I was drunk. I woke up to a fuckin’ messy kitchen and dining room.

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

Behold! This is what I woke up to. Looks like we had a shittacular time!

In all the mess, I found something fucktacular! A cute lil’, ‘Merican kitty, which my friend made with the help of Creativity Juice (AKA: Lime-A-Ritas). This is literally some cute shit.

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Lime-A-Ritas = Creativity Juice!

Findings

In conclusion, as you can obviously see, (if you are blind, just trust me) drinking and baking is the bestest idea.

One of my cats, Bear (AKA: Captain Awesome) wanted to dispute this conclusion, but I told her to shut her fuckin’ face. She’s always ruining my drunken fun.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she's going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

Bear was a little concerned with my behavior. She said if it happens again she’s going to stage an intervention for me with the other cats.

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