The Foul-Mouthed Baker

This shit is amazing and it makes me fizz just thinking about it! I use it with a lot of different cakes and other recipes. Also, it can be eaten by itself  because: DIABEETUS!

Ingredients

• Crisco, the regular shit (1/2 cup)
• Butter flavored Crisco (1/2 cup)
• Powdered sugar, approximately 1 asston (4 – 5 cups)
• Cocoa powder (1/3 cup)
• Vanilla (at least 1 teaspoon)
• Vegan dry milk, put some water in it so it isn’t fuckin’ dry anymore, (2 tablespoons)

NOTE: If you are not willing to commit to making as much icing as I do (probably because you are a penis), then the measurements needed to ice the fuck out of one regular-sized cake are in parentheses above. I suggest that you make a lot because icing brings all the bitches to your yard. Chocolate buttercream brings the classy bitches.

More chocolate buttercream  = more classy bitches. Someone should turn that idea into a pop song, make millions, and generously split those millions with me, the creative mastermind.

Instructions

Beat the two criscos (sp? Criscoes? Criscii?) together until they are fluffy as shit. You will want equal amounts of both fatty-fat-fats depending on how much icing you want (or use the amounts above).

Now, add in the coco powder. The amount of cocoa powder depends on how chocolaty you want your icing. I usually like it pretty fuckin’ chocolaty, so I add in a shitton of cocoa powder (an amount equaling the amount of Criso already in the mixing bowl). Also, if you like dark chocolate, I suggest using the dark chocolate cocoa powder. Fuckin’ delicious.

This shit is healthy?

Now you can start adding in the powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. I like my icing really thick, so I only add milk if my mixer won’t move anymore (or if the motor in the mixer breaks, and I have to go buy a new one). I wish I could fins a mixer that could handle my thick icing.

This shit is thick!

As always, I get super carried away with icing, as only the most amazing bitches do. The picture below is of a 6-gallon container filled with this buttercream icing to about the 5-gallon mark. I’m not ridiculous. YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RIDICULOUS.

Fuck! So much icing.

You can use this icing on almost everything. This is the icing I used on a meat cake, cupcakes, and I’ve used it for the center of truffles. Something shittacular you can put this on is an ice cream cake. This stuff is soft enough to cut after you’ve frozen it, while other buttercreams might get hard as a fuckin’ brick after you freeze it.

I really want to try it on a giant cookie cake one day. That day will be the single greatest day of my life.

Make Your Shit Your Own

Another great thing you can do with this icing is add your own flavors. In the past, I’ve used concentrated instant hazelnut coffee to add a hazelnut flavor. I’ve also added peanut butter (in the first step, along with the Criscii) to have a peanut butter chocolate buttercream.

Use your mother fuckin’ brain, be creative, and try different flavors! If your are going to get diabeetus, then you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sorry, I was just thinking about putting strawberries in this and fizzed all over my office chair.

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Tags: Buttercream, Cake, Chocolate, Chocolate Butter Cream Icing, Cookie, Crisco, DIABEETUS, diabeetus-filled, Fizz, Fizzing, Fuck, Icing, Icing (food), Milk, Powdered milk, Powdered sugar, Shit, Types of chocolate, Vanilla, Vanilla extract, Vegan, Vegan Chocolate Butter Cream Icing, Vegan Chocolate Icing