Background
A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.
Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions
The four dicktacular steps:
- Make the dicks
- Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
- Gather cute shit
- Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes
1. Make The Dicks
This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”
Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.
The making of a fuckton of penii.
Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.
Colorful penii!
I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!
2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes
You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.
Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:
1. Prepare that shit to bake.
2. Let that shit cool.
3. Ice that shit.
3. Gather Cute Shit
I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.
First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.
TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.
Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?
4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes
These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?
First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.
12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.
Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?
Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.
Mother fuckin’ close-ups!
Get in real close. Don’t be shy.
The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*
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and 2 tablespoons of water.
is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with 
, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.
The Foul-Mouthed Baker 