Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

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Be Thankful Your Dreams Aren’t Fucked Up

28 Nov

To make a really long story short: (1) a friend dreamed about a T-Rex using the back of a wolf to get himself off, (2) someone suggested I make this very appropriate dream into a reality, and (3) I make fuckin’ dreams come true.

T-Rex's frustration is rising.

T-Rex’s frustration is rising.

I had the T-Rex cake pan, so I only needed to make the wolf and a giant T-Rex dick.

TitTip: Making cake shapes is pretty fuckin’ easy, so there’s not a necessity for a shaped pan. For the wolf, I had to find a wolf picture with a nice, straight, firm back, print it, and then cut it out. Next, I put the wolf picture on the top of a cake and cut around the edges. That’s it! One cake wolf all ready to facilitate in the satisfaction of T-Rex. You can repeat these steps to make the giant T-Rex dick.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

10 steps to T-Rex satisfaction.

When I presented the cake to my friend I said, “I made your dream cum true.”

The finished product…

Probably the most artsy and beautiful cake I've made to date. I'm available for weddings and birthdays.

This is the most artsy and beautiful cake I’ve made to date. I’m available for weddings and birthdays.

I’m Fuckin’ Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very proud and thankful for how far along my cake decorating skills have come. Please enjoy these close-ups.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

Here you can see T-Rex enjoying himself.

The friend I made this for, ever so slowly cut out the giant T-Rex dick, crammed it in his mouth, and ate the whole thing.

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I am very detailed-oriented, so I did not forget the penis veins. I wonder if I should put that on a resume?

I pointed out that the T-Rex had a rape eye. While people seemed to agree, one person decided he needed to eat the eye. As soon as he got a chance, he cut out the T-Rex eye and ate it. He then proceeded to eat the wolf’s eye. No one knows why he wanted to eat those eyes so bad. Maybe the eyes gave him strange sexual powers?

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

No one gives the rape eye like a T-Rex.

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