Tag Archives: Vegan baking

U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship

12 Sep

Today is Kansas governor Sam Brownback’s birthday! Happy birthday, Brownback! Let us celebrate Sammy’s special day with the story of last year’s celebration he had with a friend of mine.

Best Birthday Ever

My friend was about to depart on a trip around the world with three of his best and most open-minded friends (pictured below) for Sammy’s birthday. These four bros call themselves The Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome! After every meeting, they huddle together and exclaim “FUCKIN’ FABULOUS FOURSOME!” I’ve seen it happen, and that shit is adorable.

It’s common knowledge that a strong foursome is held together by the unique talents of its members:

  1. My friend is the captain and the brains behind the Fuckin’ Fabulous Foursome. He chose his crew wisely one night when he was really drunk.
  2. Chief Navigator, Pat Robertson, has constant contact with Jeebus, which is all he needs to navigate the douche canoe through turbulent waters and to steer clear of rainbows.
  3. Obviously, Rush Limbaugh is the canoe’s diplomat, since he is a smooth talker, and possesses all of the Foursome’s sex appeal. He has bailed the Foursome out of many tight spots by cramming as many dicks as he can in his mouth to impress people. How many dicks can he fit in his mouth, you ask? The answer: a shitton.
  4. Originally, this was supposed to be The Twattastic Trio, but Private Sammy just happened to be around and the Trio couldn’t figure out how to get rid of him.  Sometimes Sammy brings coffee and donuts. Everyone says he’s “a nice guy,” but that’s not really a talent.

I can’t tell you anymore about the story because the rest has been copyrighted by Disney. This adventure will be represented by the newest Disneyland attraction: U.S.S. Douche Canoe of Friendship (COMING SUMMER 2016).

Cake Construction

This yellow cake recipe was nommy, and I paired it with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

Veganize that shit: Yellow birthday cake usually calls for lots of eggs and this cake was no different, but substituting VeganEgg 1:1 is the key to a great vegan cake. You can exchange Earth Balance or another vegan butter for the cow butter, and then make your own vegan buttermilk. For this recipe, put two cups of your favorite vegan milk and 1 and a half tablespoons of white distilled vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

I used sugar sheets for the first time on this cake (see the shiny water). Check out the fucktacular stick figure and douche canoe art. I am a motherfuckin’ artist!

Look at that fuckin' sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

Look at that fuckin’ sun! That shit is shiny and friendly!

I fucked up the writing on the douche canoe, so I had to scrape it off and write it again in white.

TitTip: If you ever fuck up writing or drawing on a cake, it is super easy to scrape that shit off with a flat knife and try again. Your non-cake decorating friends won’t notice.

I definitely can’t draw faces, so I ordered their faces printed on thin sheets of icing through some store on Etsy.

Rush always wins at "How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth". No one else is usually playing.

Rush always wins at “How Many Dicks Can You Fit in Your Mouth”. No one else is usually playing.

Then, I peeled the heads off and stuck them on the cake.

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

The U.S.S. Douche Canoe setting off into the sun!

Look at Limbaugh! That guy totally needs a few dicks in his mouth. He’s like a dick zombie.

Real Cake Background

This cake was a farewell cake for a dear friend of mine who was leaving the great Midwest to a wonderful job at Google on the west coast. While I was quite jealous of him being able to leave this place, I still wanted to wish that asshole well with a cake. I like to get at my friends’ personalities when I make them a cake, so keep in mind my friend would (1) complain about crazy conservatives and the bullshit they support or say and (2) was really into saying “douche canoe” at the time. Also, another friend of mine had been wanting to see “you are dead to us now” on a cake to this friend for months.

If you are checking this cake out, Sammy, it is not for you. However, I did just make a cookie jar full of cookies for you. They are waiting for you at the state fair.

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Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing: Fuckin’ Mouth Heaven

22 Aug

Do you heart Sriracha Sauce? Are you always looking for new uses or recipes for your Rooster Sauce? Well, look no further! You too can use this shittastic sauce to make a unique cream cheese icing.

Ingredients

  • 1 8oz package of vegan cream cheese, softened, like a non-erect penis
  • 1 stick o’ vegan butter, softened, like a non-erect penis (Obviously, I don’t have many good baking descriptions in my repertoire.)
  • Fuckton of powdered sugar (4 cups)
  • Sriracha Sauce, to your own fuckin’ distinguished taste

Recipe

First, mix the first two ingredients until that shit is fluffy.

Fluff that shit.

Fluff that shit.

Then, mix in the powdered sugar and the Sriracha Sauce. You can see this in the pictures I have so kindly provided for you, cocksucker.

Check out the food porn.

Check out the food porn.

Add powdered sugar and Rooster Sauce until you have your desired consistency and spice. Only add a couple of teaspoons of the Rooster Sauce, if you’re a pussy. If you aren’t a pussy, try a few tablespoons.

You can't add "too much" Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin' crazy.

You can’t add “too much” Sriracha Sauce in this, so go fuckin’ crazy.

What Do I Put This Shittastic Icing On?

Some people think Sriracha sauce goes on everything, which is true. However, the Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing doesn’t go with everything.

A lot of people mix Sriracha into dishes with lime juice (ex: various Asian dishes like pho), so I thought it would be good on some lime cupcakes. MISTAKE! That shit was nasty.

Someone suggested a chocolate cake, which was pretty good, but the best pairing was with some chocolate potato chip cupcakes I made. (I might post that recipe one day.) The key is picking a dessert that isn’t too sweet.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Sriracha cream cheese icing on a chocolate potato chip cupcake, bitches.

Or you can just eat the icing by itself, since my motto for good icings is “put that shit in your mouth”.

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Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

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Pro-Cake

18 Jul

Whenever someone asks me about my stance on abortion, I confidently respond that I have a moral obligation as an American to be pro-cake. I don’t care if you are pro-choice or otherwise, as long as the discussion, decision, debate, abortion, filibuster, and /or rally ends with a sweet slice of cake.

To celebrate my friend’s decision to remain pregnant and shit out a beautiful, baby covered in her vagina particles, I made her a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.

Veganize that shit: Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Holy Shit! A baby! But more importantly? A cake.

Cake Decorations

I can’t draw, so I bought some creepy, plastic babies to decorate the cake from a craft store that only had the choice of white or black babies. I know, some of you are thinking, “That’s racist!” But it isn’t, and I will tell you why. There are the only two types of newborn babies: black and white. All human babies are born either white or black, but some of them grow into other types of babies (ex: Asian, Hispanic, Canadian, etc). This is not common knowledge among people who haven’t given birth to a baby that didn’t turn out white or black. I always learn so much from my visits to ultra-conservative craft stores.

Here's a close up of the creepy cracker babies. DAT ASS!

Here’s a close up of the creepy cracker babies.
DAT ASS!

Original Idea

My original idea for this cake was to write “Don’t forget to eat the placenta!”, and put a gruesome pile of afterbirth in the middle of the cake. Eventually, I decided that this might be too gruesome and people would be afraid to eat a cake made in the image of afterbirth.

Lawmakers should threaten poor women with this idea. It would go like this:

Conservative, law-making dude: Poor women of child-bearing potential, especially minorities, we know sex is great, but if you get pregnant we are going to force feed you a cake with afterbirth drawn on it.

Poor women of child-bearing potential: Ew. We don’t want to eat that, so we will abstain from sex.

Sounds like a pretty fuckin’ effective birth control method to me. It’s at least as effective as abstinence-only education.

You’re welcome, ‘Murrica.

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Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

27 Jun

Cookie butter is like peanut butter, but a fuckton better, like a shitton of fucktons better.

Recipe

I got the recipe from here. I did change a few things though because I got to make this shit my own and vegan.

Veganize that shit: Use VeganEgg in place of the eggs in the recipe and make your own buttermilk. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a 3/4 cup of your favorite vegan milk and half a tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow it to sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready

Crunchy as shit.

This shit is crunchy!

Put some crunchy cookie butter mix in the middle before you top it off and put it in the oven.

Throw the crunchy shit in with the batter.

Bake that shit!

Bake that shit!

I didn’t use the icing that comes with the recipe. I used my own fizzworthy chocolate butter cream icing. Why? Cause I like it more. That’s the only fuckin’ reason I need.

Ice those fuckin' cupcakes!

Ice those fuckin’ cupcakes!

I arranged the cupcakes in a nice arch, but decided arches are for angels and McDonald’s. Then, I took a shitty picture. I’m not a photographer. If you think I should be, then you expect too much from me, asshole.

Mother Fuckin' Cupcakes!

Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes!

Seriously, I took about 15 pictures and this one was the best one.

Once I got my jollies from writing “mother fuckin'” on something as innocent as cupcakes, I finished them by topping them with the rest of the cookie butter crunchy shit.

Close up, bitch!

Here’s your close up, bitches!

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