I’m not sure how the rest of the stupid world works, but in Texas cheese dip with some salsa in it is referred to as “queso”. This always seemed strange to me, since queso translates to cheese. I think white people just want to pretend they know Spanish and understand the plights of peoples of color and immigrants by demonstrating the one non-English word they know.
I worked at a shitty Tex-Mex restaurant for about four and a half years, so I basically have a bachelor’s degree in white people being proud of themselves for (mis)pronouncing one Spanish word at dinner. As you can tell, I am not at all bitter about spending many of my younger years waiting tables for cheap, white assholes.
Anyways, this queso (or cheese dip) is better than any Tex-Mex queso I’ve ever had, and because it is vegan you don’t have to feel bad about stealing milk from a baby cow. (I needed to get one vegan guilt trip in this post, right? Otherwise, what kind of vegan would I be? Answer: a shitty one.)
The shit you’ll need:
- 1/2 cup of brown rice flour
- 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast (nooch!)
- 1 teaspoon of garlic salt (or powder)
- 2 teaspoons of salt
- 2 teaspoons of smoked paprika
- 2-4 tablespoons of regular ol’ yellow mustard
- 4 tablespoons of vegan butter
- 2 cups of non-dairy milk of your choice
- 2 cups of salsa of your choice
How to make this shit:
- Mix the brown rice flour, nooch, garlic, salt, and paprika in a large-ish pot or deep pan.
Labeled it in case you don’t know what this shit is supposed to look like.
2. Add the milk and stir with a whisk on low heat.
Mmmmm…looks appetizing…?
3. Not done yet. Keep whisking away. It will be ready when all the lil’ fuckin’ lumps are gone and this shit is smooth.
Not done yet, you lazy fucker.
4. Now this shit looks smooth.
Smooth as fuck.
5. Add in the vegan butter and continue mixing until it is all melted. You’ll notice that the dip gets thicker as the butter melts.
If you want to be less fat, you can add in half the butter and get the same delicious sauce.
6. Now add some salsa.
Dump in the best damn salsa you can find!
7. This is where you can add the mustard to give it a tangy taste.
This is supposed to be where you can see the mustard…but…you can’t. Meh, you know what mustard looks like.
8. Place a tortilla chip in the finished product to taste test. Be sure to move the chip around like a shark. Then feel guilty about eating the chip that you have anthropomorphized into a shark.
A lonely tortilla chip in a sea of delicious vegan cheese dip.
Use this as a dip for chips, crackers, or veggies. It also works on tacos, tamales, black beans, cats, and for an interesting mac n’ cheese sauce. It’ll probably last in your fridge for a while, but I’ve never been able to keep around longer than a week.
Put it on some shit! Or beans. Beans will most likely taste better.
TitTips – Make This Shit Even Better:
- More Flavor! Put some dried mushrooms in a blender and blend that shit into a fine powder. About half a cup of dried mushroom powder will give this dip an extra layer of wonderful flavor. Mix it in after you mix in the salsa.
- Ferment It! This is actually very easy. Mix in some (a few tablespoons to half a cup) fermented salsa, kimchi juice, or some other tasty fermented brine. Then, put in an airtight container, and leave it in a closet or something for 3 to 5 days. You’ll know it worked if the shit you made starts to bubble.
- Less Fatty! Get less fat by using half the amount of butter. I just tried it this way and it still tastes fucktacular.
- No Added Oil! Make it with no added fat by omitting the butter and adding 1/4 a teaspoon of xantham gum.
- No Added Oil 2.0! Omit the fuckin’ butter and add about 2-3 tablespoons of powdered wood ear mushrooms. It has to be wood ear mushrooms, other mushrooms don’t have the same magical properties as wood ear. These are the woodear
mushrooms I use. Just put them in a blender until it turns into powder.
mushrooms I use. Just put them in a blender until it turns into powder.__________
tarts, so this is a knock-off of a knock-off. It tastes fuckin’ good and isn’t horribly unhealthy, so I have no shame when I make them and shove them in my pie hole.
. VitaFiber is sugar-free and low calorie, but doesn’t have a shitty aftertaste like other sweeteners. (I’ve also used 
because I have no brand loyalty.) Both of these are a little less sweet than sugar or syrups, so to make the tarts less bitter I sprinkle 
on top of the tarts when they come out of the fridge. They taste sugar-filled, but they aren’t.
to the filling for some minty tarts. I’ve also added about half a teaspoon of cinnamon, cardamom, and ginger to make chai flavored tarts.
)
The Foul-Mouthed Baker 