Tag Archives: Vegan

This Thanksgiving I’m Thankful for Dick (Cookies)

23 Nov

I’ve been making all sorts of new dishes, but it has been a while since I’ve decorated anything. The holiday season makes me feel all kinds of creative, especially with dick-shaped items.

The cookie blueprints are always the first step, as the ideas come to life when I draw them like a first-grader on paper.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

Dick cookie blueprints are important shit. Also, that turkey is cute as fuck.

After you have baked and cooled your cocks you can start decorating them.

If you need some help with baking and forming the penis cookies, see a few tips from previous posts:

As you can see, the holidays are a great time to make and distribute some fucktacular cockies (cock + cookies = cockies).

Decorating one cockie at a time is hard, so I usually do one color across all the cockies at once.

One shitty color at a time.

One shitty color at a time.

Then, add a couple more colors.

This shit is almost done!

This shit is almost done!

The fuckin’ guests have arrived!

All the mother fuckin' guests have arrived.

All the mother fuckin’ guests have arrived.

Here’s the artist’s (that’s me!) interpretation of the first Thanksgiving. Yes, I do imagine everyone as a dick. Yes, even you.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin' hearts.

A pilgrim, a Native American, and a turkey have dinner together and nothing bled but their fuckin’ hearts.

There’s No Turkey On The Table. What The Fuck? 

For a long time I suffered like most ‘Muricans and ate turkey every Thanksgiving. I say “suffered” because I thought turkey tasted like shit, but I had to eat some or I couldn’t have any cookies. When I became an adult, I ate turkey because (1) everyone else did, (2) I didn’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, and (3) I didn’t think much about the food I was putting in my mouth and where it came from. I rewarded myself with cookies before and after completion of this fowl task. (Get it? Fowl = foul! Yes, I hate myself a lil’ bit for that pun, and even more for explaining that shit.)

I gave up eating animals when I went vegan, but I honestly still did not care about birds like I do mammals. It is hard to shake a fuckin’ unfounded hatred of birds (or anything) when you’ve had it most of your life.

To try and break from my speciesist ways, I watch Interweb videos of animals I don’t like too much being cute as fuck. I found the following video of a woman who rescues a couple of turkeys every Thanksgiving.

I’m glad my HOA doesn’t allow for farm animals or I’d be two turkeys away from crazy town.

Well, I do have four cats, so I’m already in crazy town.

Fuck.

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Are Orgasms Vegan?

24 Jun

In the past I have made a few fucktacular vegan desserts. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a delicious, diabeetus-filled gateway to a lifestyle change into veganism.

Yes, I’m a Fuckin’ Vegan

Yes, all the shittacular desserts posted on this blog will be vegan from now on. I’m also going  to remake shit to give them a vegan tweak. (**Update: I finally remade and tweaked the recipes. It only took me a year and a half. Look for “Veganize this shit”, as it will give tips on how to make linked recipes vegan.)

The best part about vegan desserts is you non-vegans can enjoy them as well, unless you have some fuckin’ allergies or some shit like that. However, I’m too nice, so I will probably try to make stuff gluten and nut free.

Shitty Questions About Vegan Baking

People have asked me all kinds of shit since I decided to be vegan. Here are some of the questions:

1. “How are you going to bake now?“

Answer: Same way I always have. Like a fuckin’ badass cunt.

2. “You made this? It’s vegan?“

Answer: Yes, everything I bake from now on will be vegan as fuck.

3. “How do you make cookies/cake/other-diabeetus-treats vegan? What is in this?” *skeptical stare*

Answer: It is incredibly easy to make anything you want vegan as long as you aren’t a lazy-ass fuck. I go to the same grocery store as you normal shitheads, but buy the shit that’s cruelty-free.

4. “I bet vegan desserts don’t taste as good as ‘the real thing’.“

Answer: Vegan desserts aren’t fake ass shit. They are the real thing. It is highly likely that you have had a vegan dessert and didn’t fuckin’ realize it.

All of the vegan desserts I’ve made so far are as good if not better than their non-vegan counterparts. Maybe you should stop jumping to conclusions about things you don’t know shit about.

5. “This cookie is delicious. There’s butter in this, isn’t there? Tastes and looks like the cookies my grandma used to make.“

Answer: Nope. No dairy, cruelty-filled butter. That shit is vegan.

*giggles* I have really enjoyed tricking people thus far.

6. “Vegans are lame. And boring. Will this be reflected in your baking?“

Answer: You’re a judgey asshole. No cupcake for you.

7. “Are orgasms vegan?“

Answer: Yes. The real question should be: Are batteries vegan?

8. “Will you still write inappropriate stuff on desserts that is fun for the whole family?“

Answer: Fuck yes! Otherwise, I’d have to change the name of the blog to some lame-ass shit, like Cute Cupcake Farts for Babies or Titty Sprinkles. (As you can see I can’t even think of a fuckin’ appropriate name for a baking blog, so I’ll stick with being foul-mouthed.)

Here’s a particularly clever one I made recently for a couple of awesome co-workers. I presented it to them at a meeting we had together on Friday morning because presentation is the fuckin’ key.

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles. 

Yes, this shit is vegan. Next time I need to add titty sprinkles.

Here’s Some Shit That’s Vegan:

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Tres Leches + Tequila = Fucked Up Baking

25 Sep

Sober Background

A friend found this fucktacular recipe and we had to have it! Of course, I had to make it because my friends are lazy fuckers.

Veganize it! What did you say? Tres leches can’t be vegan, it means three milks, shithead. Fuck your negativity, bro. There are so many vegan milks that veganizing tres leches is easy. You can use a vegan butter for the butter in the recipe and VeganEgg instead of eggs. Substituting the milks is where you can get really fuckin’ creative. The whole milk can be replaced with any of your favorite vegan milks like coconut, flax, soy, almond, and so many others. The sweetened condensed milk can be replaced with Sweetened Condensed Coconut Milk. The evaporated milk can be replaced by grabbing any vegan milk, bringing it to a boil, and then letting it simmer for 30 to 45 minutes. The heavy cream can be reaplced with coconut cream.

FYFI: I use only the fuckin’ finest ingredients. How do I know which ingredients are the fuckin’ finest? I taste test all the ingredients, including the tequila used in this recipe. Sometimes I taste the ingredients multiple times…

While making this cake, I thought that I would do the usual and document it with pictures. The problem is…I got drunk and don’t remember the steps (but they are in the fuckin’ recipe above). The point of this story is to suggest that more people bake drunk or get drunk while baking.

Drunken Baking

Here you can see that I mixed some shit together. Sometimes I used a whip or a spatula (I also call it a bowl-scrapey-thing), but there was always tequila involved.

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

Tequila + Baking = Great Idea!

At some point in this process I soaked the berries in tequila and lime juice.

Booze-y berries FTW!

Booze-y berries FTW!

After digging through all the pictures, I started to notice a pattern in my drunk baking.

  1. Some sort of baking procedure.
  2. Celebrate shittacular baking skills with a shot!
  3. Another baking procedure.
1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

1) Pour in pan and place in oven. 2) Celebrate with shot. 3) Take out of oven.

Did you get that last part? If not, see and read it again, but this time with more class. Please pay attention this time, fuckhead.

  1. Pour some alcohol in a glass and drink up! Don’t worry about being un-classy by drinking alone. The wine glass definitely classes up your bad decisions. (TitTip: If you would like a salted glass rim, just let your tears fall on the rim of the glass.)
  2. Then, you pour some shit into a pan, in whatever way the recipe says. I don’t fuckin’ remember what I did.
  3. Ponder how delicious your dessert will be over another homemade drink.
  4. Pour the fuckin’ milk over your cake.
  5. Have another home made cocktail while you wait for the milk to soak in. You’ve done a lot of hard work, so you totally fuckin’ deserve it.
  6. Keep waiting for that shit to soak through.
  7. Pass the soaking time with another cocktail. Seriously, I think this recipe was made for drunk baking.

FYFI: I didn’t have fancy olives, but Sweet Cherrry Fire Pickles and Peppers from Bucee’s worked better. Seriously, it’s what all the classy folks are using now-a-days.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

1) Drink. 2) Put some shit in a pan. 3) Drink. 4) Pour that shit on a cake. 5) Drink. 6) Watch that shit soak into the cake. 7) Drink.

You were supposed to let this stuff soak for a while, so the only thing to do was to drink some more.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

The kitchen was well-lit as shit.

I’m not really sure what happened, as these were the only pictures on my camera when I woke up in the morning.

Am I in the kitchen?

Am I in the kitchen?

Seriously, I’m a great photographer.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Why is this room so bright and blurry? Fuck. Give me another shot.

Sober Baking = Lame Baking

After you have sobered up, you can make the icing, spread it on the cake, and write a little message on it.

No more shots...

No more shots…

This was for Cinco de Mayo, which is why the writing es en español. What does it say? Go figure that shit out yourself.

El pastel es una mentira.

El pastel es una mentira.

 __________

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The Best Fuckin’ Chocolate Chip Cookies

24 Apr

You asked for the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies recipe, and now I’m finally giving it to you. This is a recipe I’ve modified from an old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978) that I’ve been using since I was a tiny, lil’ fucker.

The Best Fuckin’ Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup of vegan butter, softened
  • 1/3 cup of shortening (That’s right: More fat for the diabeetus lovers out there.)
  • 1 flax egg* (See the note at the end of this shit.)
  • 1 teaspoon of awesome vanilla extract (Don’t use the shitty store brand.)
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2-4 fuckin’ handfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips (I use this brand because it pleases most of the shitheads with dietary restrictions, and still tastes fucktacular.)

Mix This Shit Up

Throw the first 6 fuckin’ ingredients into a bowl.

TipTip: Don’t put the vegan butter in the microwave to soften it, like a fuckhead. Just let it sit on the counter for few minutes to get it to room temperature. Have some mother fuckin’ foresight, asshole. Your diabeetus can wait a few extra minutes.

Then, mix the shit out of your ingredients (for a minute or two), until it looks like the picture below. Scrape the bowl down at least once during this process to make sure all the fuckin’ ingredients are nicely mixed.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

I can already taste the diabeetus.

Now, mix in the salt and baking soda. Then, slowly mix in the flour. Don’t throw a fuckton of flour in the bowl at once. You’ll make a huge mess, dickhead. Remember to constantly  scrape the side of the bowl to fully mix all the ingredients, which should take about 5 minutes.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, add in your chocolate chips. I always stock up on chocolate chips, so I never measure the amount of chocolate chips I put in this recipe. I think this assists in maximizing the probability of diabeetus.

Mix in the fuckin' chocolate chips!

Mix in the fuckin’ chocolate chips!

Check out the picture! That is what your dough should fuckin’ look like. Now put that shit into the fridge for at least an hour before you start baking. You can also leave it in the fridge for a couple of days and nom on it before baking.

BTFW: When using the flax egg, you can eat as much as the dough as you want, since you don’t have to worry about getting the shits from eating raw chicken eggs. I heart eating the nommy dough.

Look at this delicious shit!

Look at this delicious shit!

Bake The Fuck Out of These Cookies

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Put parchment paper down on some fuckin’ baking trays.
  3. Grab your dough from the fridge, and throw that shit down on the pan in masses that are about an inch big and a couple of inches apart.
Throw this shit down on your pan. 

Throw this shit down on your pan.

4. Let it bake in the oven for about 5-8 minutes, or until you see a little bit of brown on the outside. Too much brown and that shit will be crunchy. If you are saying to yourself, “But I like crunchy chocolate chip cookies…” Why would you want crunchy chocolate chip cookies? You might as well just buy some nasty Chips Ahoy.

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin' oven. This shit needs to cool down. 

Cookies fresh out of the fuckin’ oven. This shit needs to cool down.

5. Now let that shit cool before you stick it in your mouth, Fatty.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Finished cookies, bitches.

Make A Big Ass Cookie

First, acquire a pizza pan with the holes in the bottom. Then, take out a bunch of dough and try to make the most symmetrical circle possible. Make sure the dough is even throughout (if you have big lumps of dough it won’t bake fully). Also, make sure there are a few inches to spare from the side of the pan, otherwise that shit will spread over the edge.

A big ass circle of dough.

A big ass circle of dough.

You’ll have to watch it, but I bake my giant cookies for about 15 minutes. It may look a little bit underdone in the middle, but that’s okay. If you let it stay in too long, it will get all burnt and taste shitty.

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Fully baked big ass cookie!

Then, get some Icing Good Enough To Make Your Dick Sneeze and decorate your cookie. Maybe you could just drip pieces of the big ass cookie into the icing. Or do whatever you fuckin’ want.

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something...

Write something clever on your big ass cookie. Or at least write something…

__________

*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

 __________

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