Tag Archives: cunt

For Magnificent Cunts: Potato Chip and Pretzel Cupcakes

5 Dec

In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.

Ingredients:

  • 1 3/4 cup of flour (the all-purpose shit)
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 1/2 cup of unsweetened coca powder
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 1 cup vegan mayonnaise (no shitty Miracle Whip)
  • 3 large-ass flax eggs* (see note at the end of this shit)
  • 1 fuckin’ hot cup of water
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1 bitchy teaspoon of vinegar
  • 1 or 2 cups of fucked-up pretzels and/or potato chips

How to Make This Shit

Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?

FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.

Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.

Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.

Check out these little cunts!

Check out these little cunts!

TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Celebrate Halloween With This Moist Delight

31 Oct

I made a giant, vodka-infused Jello*-shot skull for a friend. This shit will get you drunk, and give you a mysterious, moist hickey**.

**RESULTS MAY VARY

*Jello is not vegan, but you can use Jel, which is a vegan substitute for Jello. Now we are making a giant Jel-shot.

Ingredients

  • Fuck load of Jel flavors (your choice)
  • Sweetened condensed coconut milk
  • ShitTon of Unflavored Jel
  • Cheap vodka (Don’t spend money on fuckin’ Grey Goose, or some other snooty shit.)
  • Water (to moisten this shit)
  • Cooking oil spray (I used coconut oil)

Construction

This is what I did to make the vodka-infused Je;-shots:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water (WARNING: Contents will be fuckin’ hot! Don’t touch that shit!)
  2. Mix in one package of flavored Jel
  3. Make sure the Jel powder is completely dissolved in the water
  4. Mix in half a cup of cheap, shitty vodka
  5. Spray the bottom of your container with the oil (this will help it slide out of the container later)
  6. Repeat the last steps to make more colors/flavors
  7. Refrigerate that shit for about 3 hours. Don’t worry, your Jel won’t dry out! It will still be moist.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I'm healthy.

    Contents of my fridge: giant Jel-shots, beer, hard cider, containers of icing, liquor, a couple of cakes, wine, carrots, and almond-coconut milk. The last two are to help me pretend I’m healthy.

  8. Remove your Jel-shots from the fridge
  9. Cut Jel-shots into the desired shapes. I wanted my finished product to resemble a colorful, Day of the Dead skull, so I used a flower cookie cutter and a knife to cut out hearts and other shapes. You can do whatever the fuck you want.
  10. Dip the bottom of your Jel container in some warm water for about 15 – 30 seconds, and loosen the edges of the Jel from the container with some sort of Jel-loosening-object.
  11. Now, you should be able to easily remove those cunty, lil’ Jel-shots. Because I’m so fucktacular, I perfected three techniques to share with you:
  • Technique #1: press wax paper on the Jel, flip it over on a flat surface (that shit should slide right out), and pull your shapes out.
  • Technique #2: Rip the excess Jel from around the shapes and then easily pull the shapes out.
  • Technique #3: “Accidentally” rip all your shapes, so you are forced to eat them all and start all over.

Next, I sprayed oil on my skull pan, and placed my Jel-shot shapes all over the fuckin’ pan.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

You should taste test several of the Jel-shots to make sure they taste good, or to get drunk. I taste tested for the latter reason.

To make the white part of the skull:

  1. Boil about half a cup of water
  2. Mix in 3 – 4 packets of unflavored Jel until dissolved
  3. Mix in equal parts of the sweetened condensed cocobut milk and shitty vodka (about 3/4 cups)
  4. Let that shit cool (WARNING: If you don’t let this shit cool, it may melt the Jel-shots you already have in the pan. Don’t fuck this shit up.)
  5. Pour it into the pan.
  6. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours, to let the Jel-shots set in with the white Jel.

You can repeat making the white Jel until your pan is full. Always refrigerating for, at least, 3 hours.

TitTip: I don’t waste alcohol, so instead of adding just more white stuff, I put in all the excess Jel-shot remains. I don’t fuckin’ waste shit, and the extra color makes this shit much more fuckin’ festive.

Colorful ass shit.

Colorful ass shit.

Once your Jel has set, do what you did before: submerge this shit into warm water, scrape the fuckin’ edges, and let it slide out on to a plate or some other flat surface.

Moist is a Pretty Cool Word

Did you know that some people don’t like the word “moist“. I don’t understand this word aversion, since moist is such a wonderful word, like “cake” and “cunt”. Also, moist is the only word that can appropriately describe certain things, like cakes and cunts.

The friend I made this for hates the word moist, but loves Jel-shots.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

The skull is watching you and thinking about moist panties.

When I presented the giant Jel-shot to my friend, she immediately ate the “M” so she didn’t have to see the word “MOIST” anymore.

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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

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Cake Violence: The Most Delicious Violence

15 Aug

Background

A friend took care of my cats while I was away for a week, so I decided to make him a special cake. Somehow writing “Thanks for taking care of my pussies!” just didn’t seem like enough.

I remembered that my friend likes birds and ….well. The rest of the story doesn’t make sense, but this shit is fuckin’ art, so it doesn’t have to make sense.

Cake Formation

I had these cute animal pans that I thought would be perfect for this cake. I filled them up with generic cake batter and baked the little fuckers.

TitTip: If you wrap foil on the bottom of uneven pans, it won’t tip over and you’ll have even cake animals. LFMF.

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

If I threw away the animals before decorating them, would it be called an abortion?

After I baked the lil’ fuckers, it was time to decorate them so they would resemble their real-world animal counterparts.

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

Fuckers. Every last one of them. Especially, you, Butterfly!

I decided to develop a fight scene. I wanted the chicken to win due to my friend’s affinity of birds. (FYI: I hate birds. They are cunty and The Devil.)

After spending a lot of time making this shit look nice, I had to cut it up because chickens are violent assholes. The chicken could have just made all the animals bleed a little, but that douche nozzle took it too far. To demonstrate what chickens (and all birds) are capable of, I cut off whole body parts and threw them around in the cake pan.

I made some red glaze and let it puddle around the biggest injuries. Originally, that was going to be the end, but it didn’t feel right.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

Pretty good, but it could use more gore.

I wanted the carnage to look more life-like, so I rolled little bits of cake around in the red food coloring, which made it look like guts and dried blood. Then, I haphazardly threw and smeared the bits around in the pan. It was fun. I bet that’s what it feels like to be a serial killer.

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

A beautifully violent masterpiece!

Look at Chicken. He looks like a smug dick. Chicken says, “I don’t just win, I fuckin’ massacre me some bitches.”

I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of this cake, so I have some close-ups to share.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Looks like an episode of CSI, except better because CSI is lame.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

Enough to make r/gore proud.

I discovered a new type of violence: cake violence. It’s not as vicious as real-life violence, but tastier than cartoon violence. Cake violence is the best kind of violence.

My kitchen looked like a delicious crime scene.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

Blood tastes so sweet. I mean, cake. Cake and blood-like decorations taste so sweet.

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Holy Fuck! Lollipops Have a Day of Their Own?

20 Jul

Candy is awesome, and food on a stick is totally tits. One magical day some awesome person declared, “Let’s put this shit on a stick!” That person was George Washington Carver. That dude made a lot of awesome shit.

To celebrate this shittacular day, I made some lollipops of my own. Writing words backwards is hard, but I figured out a way to do it. I’m a fuckin’ genius.

"REDRUM" backwards is "MURDER".

“REDRUM” backwards is “MURDER”.

Writing inappropriate words normally makes for a great afternoon, but writing them backwards is fuckin’ lame.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

George Washington Carver would be proud of how far the lollipop has come since he invented it in 1989.

Pedo-Pops

I wanted to make a few extra special lollipops for a friend. She likes Rilakkuma, which is a cute bear with an improper past time. The literal translation of Rilakkuma from Japanese to English is “bear who fucks kids”. Seriously. “Kuma” means “bear” , and “rilak” means “sexual with children”. You are probably wondering why the Japanese have a word for such a strange creature. All creatures need a name, even sick, fucked-up creatures that shouldn’t exist.

I used a Pedo Bear candy mold to make some lollipops with the child-loving bear on it. These lollipops were immediately coined “Pedo-Pops” by another friend of mine. (If you are counting, this means that I have, at least, two friends: one who likes Pedo Bear and another who was so excited by the existence of Pedo-Pops she fizzed herself.)

These are about the size of a child's head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

These are about the size of a child’s head. The perfect Pedo Bear size.

Learning is Fun!

This is actually Pedo Bear, and Rilakkuma means “relax bear”. It’s fun to fuck with people who like Rilakkuma, and say he is Pedo Bear. Also, stop believing everything you read on the Interwebs, twat.

One more thing: George Washington Carver probably didn’t invent the lollipop. However, I did use some peanut butter to make these, so he was with me in spirit when I was making Pedo-Pops.

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