Tag Archives: funny

A Dick Under The Heel Is Worth Two By The Balls

10 Apr

Background

A smart, beautiful friend of mine has been a fan of my fucktacular baking for some time and my blogging since the beginning. She has put a lot of my shit in her mouth, but I haven’t had the chance to make something especially for her. A few months ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a picture of some high heel cupcakes, and said they would be great for our friend. She is a fancy lady who enjoys pretty shoes, so they would be perfect for her. However, I needed to put a twist on them that my friend would enjoy and would stay true to my baking style. My idea was quite natural, since my friend is a powerful lady that steps on dicks where ever she goes.

Dicktacular Cupcake Instructions

The four dicktacular steps:

  1. Make the dicks
  2. Make the mother fuckin’ cupcakes
  3. Gather cute shit
  4. Construct the fuckin’ fancy shoes

1. Make The Dicks

This is step #1 because this is why you are here. If I didn’t put this first you would just be screaming at your screen in anger: “WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN’ COCKS, YOU ASSHOLE BLOGGER!”

Be sure to locate the most realistic penii mold possible because no one wants to put a cartoon cock in their mouth. You can use melt dark, milk, and white chocolate for the penii. You’ll probably need to trim them a bit afterward.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

The making of a fuckton of penii.

Make sure you make them all different colors, or your cupcakes will be boring, bland, and racist.

Colorful penii!

Colorful penii!

I’ll give my best fuckin’ friendship to whoever can make these cream-filled. And….GO!

2. Make The Mother Fuckin’ Cupcakes

You can make this with your favorite cupcake recipe. Here are some suggestions: margarita cupcakes, mother fuckin’ cookie butter cupcakes, and potato chip and pretzel cupcakes.

Follow these easy steps, fuckhead:

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

1. Prepare that shit to bake.

2. Let that shit cool.

2. Let that shit cool.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Ice that shit.

3. Gather Cute Shit

I hope you looked at the high heel cupcakes made by others. That shit is cute, so I tried to make this shit cute too.

First, you should decide on your shank (FYFI: I discovered, with my Google-ing expertise, a shank is the part of the high heel shoe below the arch.) I made these shanks with white chocolate covered oval-shaped cookies.

TitTip: I would suggest using something graham crackers. Graham crackers would be light enough to hold ingredients, but not so heavy as to weigh down and fuck up some of the shoes.

Gather all the cutest decorating shit you can find. Sprinkles, candies, colored sugar, and maybe more dicks. Dicks can be cute, right?

4. Construct The Fuckin’ Shoes

These were the best instructions on how to construct the high heeled shoes that I could fuckin’ find. You’ll have to change them a bit to compensate for the cock, but who hasn’t had to do some compromising and compensate for a little bit of dick?

First, dig a spoon-sized hole in the backside of the cupcake. Be sure to eat what you dug out of the cupcake to optimize your chances of diabeetus. Next, insert your cookie in the hole at an angle. Then, get a little bit of melted chocolate, take a carefully measured and cut thick pretzels and put it between your shoe shank and a dick.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

12 fucktacularly unique cupcakes. Yes, they are all different which makes them comparable to beautiful snowflakes.

Side dick view? Sure, if there is "side boob", why not side dick?

Side dick view! Sure, if there is “side boob”, why not “side dick”?

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Here you can see the tip majestically peeking over the top of the shanks.

Mother fuckin' close-ups!

Mother fuckin’ close-ups!

Get in real close. Don't be shy.

Get in real close. Don’t be shy.

The cupcakes arrived at their destination in pieces and broken. The cookies fell off the cupcakes and the heels slid off the cocks. I guess it’s safe to say these dicks had a rough ride. *winky face*

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Warning: Contains Diabeetus!

13 Mar

Holy fuck! Diabeetus tastes sooooooo good! To get my sugar fix, I made peanut butter bars, but I substituted cookie butter for peanut butter and produced a diabeetus-filled treat!

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

There was something missing, but what the fuck was it?

So far, it didn’t look like it had the diabeetus touch. I needed to make it glaringly obvious that consumption of this shittacular treat would give the consumer instantaneous diabeetus.

Question: How does one make a dish look like instant diabeetus?

Answer: Just pile a fuckton of candy on the top and the sides, and draw a diabetic pussy on it.

You are once again super fuckin' impressed with my artistic skillz.

You are once again super fuckin’ impressed with my artistic skillz.

Join me next time when I make an HIV-filled cheesecake. Mmmm…..AIDS.

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Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.

Judgement

I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN' RIBBONS!

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN’ RIBBONS!

I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!

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Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho! T’ Bakin’ Life Fer Me!

19 Sep

A’hoy, me hearties! Me day as a baker be long ‘n harrrd, but always ends in a vast treasure ‘o desserts. T’ bakin’ day begins wit’ me on a supply quest at a behemoth warehouse store.

What t' shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o' bakin' supplies. Seven pounds o' sugar and Cris'o!

What t’ shit-barnacles, matey! That be a muckton o’ bakin’ supplies. Seven pounds o’ sugar and Cris’o!

Once I return to me home port, I search through me current supplies ‘n spy wit’ me one jolly ol’ eye what gunna be of use to me.

Side Tale: I lost t’ other eye in a sword fight wit’ a rival baker! That picaroon  tried to hornswaggle me out ‘o t’ best chocolate chips ‘o t’ seven seas, n’ thar be a huge bounty on that wench’s head. T’ sea wench be tough, but I only lost t’ eye n’ she went below wit’ her boat n’ crew to Davy Jones’ locker! I be no swashbuckler, but I be knowin’ me way ’round a sword. I salute that sea wench ‘n me right eye by pourin’ me some spiced grog ‘n drinkin’ five tankards every year on t’ anniversary ‘o t’ event.

Me freezer be filled wit’ icin’, dough, ‘n cakes. Thar always be rum ‘n spirits in t’ freezer. I drink a few tankards ‘o t’ spiced rum before I start me bakin’. I love spiced grog!

Drinkin' spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t' bakin' pirate's scurvy life.

Drinkin’ spiced grog be harrrd work, but that be t’ bakin’ pirate’s scurvy life.

At t’ end ‘o me bakin’ day, I fill a chest wit’ baked goods. No doubloons in ’tis chest! Some would consider t’ cookies a more lovely booty, since doubloons be not a real currency now ‘o days.

Look at t' amazin' booty! No, sea hag gunna have any 'o 'tis.

Look at t’ amazin’ booty! No, sea hag gunna have any ‘o ’tis.

On most days, a wild strumpet be comin’ around me treasure ‘n asked to take a look, but me ‘n me friend, Ol’ Peg-Leg McGee , along wit’ his trusty parrot came ‘n made that harlot eat shit-barnacles. (FYFI: Shit-barnacles no be tastin’ jolly, but be a cure fer hangovers.)

Be Needin’ Help ‘n Shoutin’ Like a Scurvy Pirate? 

I used a couple ‘o different scurvy pirate translators ‘n pages to help me shout like a pirate n’ not a sea hag or a wee lass! Check ’em out:

  1. Post Like a Pirate:  I had a jolly hour wit’ this translator. It be tryin’ to change “cat” to “sea monster”, “cunt” to “lady part”, ‘n “bitch” to “scallywag”. Harrharr!
  2. A Pirate’s Glossary of Terms: It lists a bounty ‘o wonderful scurvy pirate terms.
  3. Talk Like a Pirate Day: News fer Speak Like a Scurvy Pirate Day.
  4. Causin’ a Ruckas: Other people causin’ a ruckas wit’ ’tis fine day.
  5. Awilda: A scurvy lady pirate, ‘n me favorite wench. Cap’n Rusted Hook ain’t got nothin’ on ’tis lass. T’ more ye be knowin’!

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