Tag Archives: Humor

From North Korea, With <3

17 Oct

White people have a certain talent for mis-guessing the nationalities of other people, especially Asians. I have a cracker friend who tried to argue the nationality of our mutual Vietnamese friend, Mikki, and insisted she was Korean. Good thing for him, our friend has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny. The joke lingered for a while and friends decided she was North Korean, since North Korea is bestest Korea.

Mikki is crazy about green tea flavored shit, so I decided to make her a green tea cake with a special message from most supreme leader, Kim Jong Un.

Veganize that shit: The green tea cake recipe is very easy to make vegan. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the milk, cream cheese, and yogurt with your favorite non-dairy versions.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

I’ve had my eye on the Most Fucktacular Baker title in North Korea for a while now, so I really hope Kimmy sees this and recognizes my talent.

__________

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Come Out of the Closet and Eat Some Fuckin’ Cookies

11 Oct

Today is the 25th National Coming Out Day! It’s time to celebrate this fabulous shit with mother fuckin’ rainbow equality cookies!

I used the vanilla refrigerator cookie recipe from my old lady cookbook (Crocker, 1978), but I got the idea and some instructions from the Hungry Rabbit’s blog.

Ingredients 

  • 1 cup of diabeetus (AKA: sugar)
  • 1 stick of vegan butter, softened
  • 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
  • 2 VeganEgg (prepped according to the package)
  • 3 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • Food coloring, all the fuckin’ colors

Instructions

Mix the first 4 fabulous ingredients, and gradually mix in the next 3 ingredients. When that shit is all mixed together, separate into 6 separate bowls and add a different food color to each bowl.

Look at the fuckin' colorful fridge ready dough!

Look at the fuckin’ colorful fridge ready dough!

Refrigerate the dough for at least an hour. Then, roll that shit into equally sized rectangles (about 2 inches wide, 11 inches long and 1/4 of an inch thick).

TitTip: I drew a big, black rectangle and put that under the parchment paper I rolled the dough onto. This is a pretty fuckin’ clever way to keep all the rectangles the same size.

Fucktacular pride!

Fucktacular pride!

Refrigerate all the layers separately for an hour. Repeat until all your fuckin’ colors are gone.

If you are a planner, you can arrange the colors to resemble the pride flag. I made these cookies twice before I realized I fucked the order up. Fuck it, my goddamn heart was in the right place, and no one noticed since they were mesmerized by the colorful-ass cookies.

Stacked to fuckin' perfection.

Stacked to fuckin’ perfection.

This is where I deviate from the Hungry Rabbit’s instructions. The first time I made these cookies all my layers got smashed together when I tried to cut them and this made them look shitty. The second time I froze the completely stacked dough for an hour and then cut it into segments (about a 1/4 of an inch thick). If you have trouble with runny colors, freeze that shit.

Once you cut the cookie dough, place those lil’ bitches about an inch apart on a pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 12 minutes.

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

The freshly cut dough and finished product. Consume and feel fabulous!

Not perfect, but fuckin’ close enough. Look at the Hungry Rabbit’s recipe if you want better looking cookies, you fuckin’ cookie snob.

So. Much. Pride. 

Mother fuckin' pride!

Mother fuckin’ pride!

Here’s one of my cat rocking some rainbow feathers. Cats aren’t as judgmental as people think. They don’t give a fuck about anyone, but they do enjoy looking fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin' fabulous.

This pussy is fuckin’ fabulous.

 __________

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Just Add Gay

10 Oct

This red velvet cake was a salute to a lady who likes ladies. You know who you are. *winky face*

The secret is out!

The secret is out!

This was the recipe I used, but I added a dash of gay to give it just a hint of fabulous.

Veganize that shit: As with most recipes, this one was easy to veganize. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the cream cheese and butter with your favorite vegan alternative. I am not aware of any vegan buttermilk that is commercially available, but making your own is so fuckin’ simple. To do this, put a cup of your favorite vegan milk and 3/4 tablespoon of vinegar in a bowl, mix it up, and then allow that shit sit for about 10 minutes. The mixture will curdle a little bit, and then you know that shit is ready.

FYFI: You may be thinking, “I haven’t seen a bottle of gay in the supermarket. How do I get gay?”. Don’t fret, straight ally, I am super fuckin’ nice, so I will share the secret of getting gay in four easy steps. (Don’t forget to bring a jar so you can save your gay for future baked goods.)

  1. Locate a homosexual. (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!)
  2. Gain the trust of the homosexual. Or get the homosexual drunk.
  3. Secretly expose the homosexual to something he/she is allergic to (e.g., a Southern state, non-organic foods, a Republican senator, etc.) or you can tickle their nose with a sensual feather.
  4. Open your jar and hold it out to catch their magical sneeze juices.

That’s it? Yes, it is that easy! I always couple a drunk homosexual with the sensual feather tickle. I think that is the most effective, fastest, and fun combination for both the tickler and the tickle-ee, but do whatever you fuckin’ want.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This cake was so gay. I mean, nommy. This cake was so nommy.

This was a pretty good cake, but next time I will add more gay. TitTip: You can never have too much gay.

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Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

__________

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Re: Kansas State Fair

24 Sep

Here’s a recap of what went down with my entries at the Kansas State Fair, for those paying attention.

Entry Submission

Submission was  uneventful, despite a group of friends claiming “shit was going to go down,” or they would have to bail me out of “state fair jail”.

The old-lady-state-fair-volunteer-workers who took my entries said my items were so “colorful”, and they seemed enthusiastic about my rainbow equality cookies. Perhaps the pride was lost on them because of Kansas’ relationship with The Wizard of OZ? This would only happen in the Midwest, since rainbows are banned in the Deep South.

Judgement

I got some mother fuckin’ ribbons! And one wasn’t just a “thanks for playing” ribbon.

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN' RIBBONS!

OMJESUS! MOTHER FUCKIN’ RIBBONS!

I wasn’t expecting to win, but one of my cakes got third place in a beginner cake decorator competition.

FYFI: A friend asked me about the stargates on my cakes. It was supposed to be a ferris wheel, but you can see the resemblance. I have an entire year to get better at making ferris wheels. However, I would prefer to keep the stargates and have a sci-fi theme, Kansas State Fair. *cough**nudge*cough*

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

This is what people who came to the Kansas State Fair saw. You can see my loser cake in the background.

My other cake got a fabulous participation ribbon. To my dismay, I discovered that I accidentally switched my cake entries and went over the size restrictions of the other category by one inch. I totally fucked myself, and not in the fun, masturbatory way.

The disparity between the judges’ scores on my nearly identical cakes was lolworthy. One cake (3rd place cake) got a score of 55 and the other got a score of 38 (both out of a total of 80). I noticed that the pair of judges for each cake was different. A difference of opinion? Maybe? I feel like there was something a little more going on there. The judges that gave me 3rd place gave me constructive feedback to help improve my decorating techniques, but the other judges basically said “Y U NO FOLLOW RULES!”.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

My scores from the judges. I very subtly scribbled names out.

How to Make an Old Midwestern Lady Cry

Generally, most of the baked goods judging takes place before the fair is open to the public. However, they were still judging entries when I came to check out the competition, and got to see the judges judgingly judge my governor’s cookie jar. The judging took place in a crowded building and the judges are behind an area that is closed off to the public. Guests can only see the judges and not hear what they are saying.

A judge pulled my jar out of the display and all the judges seemed a little amused and smiled at each other a bit. Soon other state fair worker bees (not judges, but fair volunteers) were summoned over to the table.  When there were about six old ladies standing around my jar one of them spotted the pride flag and fanned it out to get a good look at it. At this moment one old lady burst into a fit of laughter and the other ladies were at least smiling or chuckling. After about half a minute of laughter, one old lady reached up towards her eye, pulled her glasses up, and wiped a finger near the edge of her tear duct. I made an old lady cry! From laughter!

The judges repaid the favor with a comment on my cookie jar evaluation sheet: “Jar is a little over decorated – less is better”. My jar was fuckin’ fabulous! If you can’t handle it, then my advice is to “suck it”.

This mission was a success.

Now, I await the announcement of next year’s theme, so I can think of the best way to make more old ladies cry.

My fingers still crossed for a sci-fi theme and more stargates!

__________

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