Tag Archives: Vegan baking

For Magnificent Cunts: Potato Chip and Pretzel Cupcakes

5 Dec

In a previous, shittacular post, I shared the recipe for Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing. Now, because I’m so fuckin’ nice, I’ll share a recipe for potato chip and pretzel cupcakes that pair well with that rooster sauce icing.

Ingredients:

  • 1 3/4 cup of flour (the all-purpose shit)
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 1/2 cup of unsweetened coca powder
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 1 cup vegan mayonnaise (no shitty Miracle Whip)
  • 3 large-ass flax eggs* (see note at the end of this shit)
  • 1 fuckin’ hot cup of water
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 1 bitchy teaspoon of vinegar
  • 1 or 2 cups of fucked-up pretzels and/or potato chips

How to Make This Shit

Mix the first four ingredients. Add everything else, except for the pretzels and potato chips, and mix that shit until it is pretty smooth. Add in the pretzel and/or chip crumbs and pieces.

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now you can have diabeetus AND high blood pressure! Huzzah!

Now this is where you have to make a mother fuckin’ decision: pretzels and/or potato chips?

FYFI: I tried both, separately. The handful of people who tried both types agreed the potato chip cupcakes were far superior. Some thought the pretzel cupcakes were fuckin’ disgusting. Other liked the pretzel cupcakes, but still preferred the potato chip cupcakes.

Once you have made a god-dammed decision, add in enough pretzels/potato chips to make the batter pretty lumpy. Use the fuckin’ picture I’ve provided for you above (top right corner) to determine if your’s is lumpy enough.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

They look very similar, but the cupcakes on the left were delicious, while some accused the right of tasting like shit.

Grease your cupcake pans and bake that shit at 350 degree for about 15 minutes (mini-cupcakes) or 25 minutes (regular cupcakes), or until a toothpick inserted the middle comes out without any shit on it.

Once these little cunts cool off, you can top them with Sriracha Cream Cheese Icing and sprinkle some potato chips or pretzel crumbs on top.

Check out these little cunts!

Check out these little cunts!

TitTip: These cupcakes are not for the faint of heart, or lame of taste buds. Only try this shit if you are a magnificent cunt.

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*How to Make a Flax Egg:

  1. Mix 1 tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 2 tablespoons of water.
  2. Let it sit for about 5 to 10 minutes.
  3. If you want it to be really fuckin’ good, let it sit in the fridge and stir halfway through.

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Unicorn Poop Cake

24 Oct

Background

The dear friend of mine, who originally suggested I make cakes with weird messages, wanted a special cake, but doesn’t like cake; she hearts Jello*. What the fuckin’ fuck?! Why implant cake ideas in my head when you don’t even like the shit, skank?

Still, I had to make her something. This strange recipe was discovered for a Crown Jewel Cake, which combines a cake crust and a Jello filling.

*Mother fuckin’ vegan notes: Jello is not vegan because gelatin is made from animal bones, which is super fuckin’ gross. Never fear, beautiful vegans, Jel is a vegan alternative and can be used in place of Jello or gelatin in this recipe. You’ll also have to replace the eggs and egg yolk with VeganEgg, the egg whites with aquafaba, the butter with a vegan alternative like Earth Balance, and the heavy whipping cream with coconut cream. Shit. I know that is a lot of substitutions, but it is totally worth it.

Cake Construction

The Sprinkle Bakes lady does every step of this recipe so fuckin’ cute that I only included pictures so you could laugh at my attempts to replicate her cute shit.

This shit isn't cute, but close enough!

This shit isn’t cute, but close enough!

I topped this cake off with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze, instead of whatever the Sprinkle Bakes lady said to do. I’ll do whatever I fuckin’ want!

This cake was for my friend’s 30th birthday, and someone else made a joke that being 30 was lower-middle aged. That type of thinking belongs in a cake message.

I heart my friends.

I heart my friends.

This was one of the first cakes I ever decorated. I’d like that to be my excuse for it looking so shitty, but I’ve barely improved. If you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

FYFI: I enjoy telling people to go fuck themselves; however, when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I say, “Done!” I’ve probably masturbated recently, which means I just fucked myself, right? I have no shame in this because I’m pretty awesome at it. I am the master of my own cunt.

This cake was fuckin’ colorful as shit! A friend dubbed the cake “Unicorn Poop Cake”, since it looks like unicorn shit.

I had to reach inside a unicorn's anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

I had to reach inside a unicorn’s anus to get its shit and form it into a cake.

Unicorn shit tastes like a cake made of cookie dough rainbow beams. Try it out for yourself and let me know. I’ll sit here and be the master of my cunt while I wait for your response.

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From North Korea, With <3

17 Oct

White people have a certain talent for mis-guessing the nationalities of other people, especially Asians. I have a cracker friend who tried to argue the nationality of our mutual Vietnamese friend, Mikki, and insisted she was Korean. Good thing for him, our friend has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny. The joke lingered for a while and friends decided she was North Korean, since North Korea is bestest Korea.

Mikki is crazy about green tea flavored shit, so I decided to make her a green tea cake with a special message from most supreme leader, Kim Jong Un.

Veganize that shit: The green tea cake recipe is very easy to make vegan. Replace the eggs with VeganEgg, and the milk, cream cheese, and yogurt with your favorite non-dairy versions.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

For the 250th intelligence report comrades receive a gold watch and a free subscription to People Magazine: North Korean Edition.

I’ve had my eye on the Most Fucktacular Baker title in North Korea for a while now, so I really hope Kimmy sees this and recognizes my talent.

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Graphs Belong on Cakes

3 Oct

During a previous semester, I taught a class with someone, and we had a particularly horrible bunch of students. Meaning, most of the students were fuckheads. Fuckheads are really hard to teach because you can’t get any learnings in their fuckin’ heads.

I can deal, but this other person was overly distraught by the class. I decided to make this person a cake to cheer him up. When your job is on the line because you are going to get horrible teaching reviews from a class of fuckheads, at least you can have cake.

Cake/Bar Construction

I used a peanut butter cake recipe (sans icing recipe), which really was more like a bar than a cake. It tasted good, but it wasn’t moist like a cake and was harder like a bar. It tasted like a Peanut Butter cup, with the cake part being like the crumbly peanut butter.

Steps

Check this shit out!

I used my own Versatile Chocolate Butercream Icing with some adjustments for the icing on this bar/cake. I exchanged the butter for peanut butter to make peanut butter chocolate buttercream icing. I had a bunch of left over icing and made some chocolate peanut butter truffles.

Icing

I made chocolate peanut butter truffles with this left over shit.

TitTip: Some people thought I drew an amazing graph on this cake, and wondered how I did it so perfectly free-handed. Ha! I did not free-hand this shit. The trick it to draw on the icing with a toothpick first and then decorate with the icing. You can do this with more than graphs. However, some people are really judge-y about graphs, so always make sure you do this with graphs. Don’t fuck a graph up, or people will fuck you up.

ShitTrace

Anyone can drawn a fucktacular graph on a cake, if you toothpick that shit on there first.

If you don’t understand the cake, then you should go take a statistics class because I’m not going to explain this shit to you.

FinalSkewed

If you don’t understand the joke, then life has skewed you, fucker.

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Peanut Butter Bar For Peanut Day

13 Sep

Today is Peanut Day! Celebrate the day with peanut butter bars to help progress you and your friends’ diabeetus.

Background

I was going to make up some really cool story about a near-death experience that would have involved dragons, dick zombies, Penisaurus Rex, Vagina Raptor, a unicorn, and a couple of lolcats, but that may have caused the Interwebs to throw up in its mouth.

The only car accident I’ve ever been in happened earlier this year. I hit some slippery ice, spun around in the middle of the Kansas turnpike, hit the middle concrete-divider-thing, and lightly landed just off the side of the road. My friend and I weren’t hurt, and somehow there was just a slight dent in her car. She’s still my friend and doesn’t try to make me feel like a bad person for crashing her car. Also, neither one of us shit our pants, so in my book that’s a win.

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

Risk you life and receive a dessert. Worth it!

My friend had been wanting a peanut butter bar for nostalgia purposes for a little while, so I thought she deserved it after almost killing her. Life is short, eat peanut butter bars, and die a slow death by diabeetus.

FYFI: I used my own fucktacular recipe. I decorated with Icing Good Enough to Make Your Dick Sneeze.

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