It’s that time of the year again: The Fuckin’ Holidays. Time to show some hoes you care by sending them baked goods.
However, there are a lot of things to worry about when sending your hoes diabeetus:
- The dropping and subsequent destruction of your shitty baked goods.
- Spontaneous combustion.
- The mail-person rubbing their genitals on your box of baked goods. (You’ll know this took place when your hoes complains about a very peculiar stain and/or hole on the box.)
- Your package of baked goods being delivered to the wrong hoes.
How do you keep your hoes happy? Just follow the packing advice of Dis Hoe (that’s me, The Foul-Mouthed Baker), then you won’t have to worry about a mother fuckin’ thing, bitch.
1st Fuckin’ Step: Bake some shit. This time I made a fuckton of cookies: chai oatmeal raisin, the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies, spicy chocolate chip, and peanut butter blossoms.
2nd Fuckin’ Step: Put your cookies in freezer bags and seal dem bitches up tight. Hoes don’t like stale-ass cookies.
3rd Fuckin’ Step: Acquire some kind of packing material and place inside your box to cushion the bottom of your baked goods. Don’t spend a lot of money on this, since it is just for some hoes. I used plastic bags from the grocery store, which I usually use to dispose of my cats’ excrement.
Put your shit in the box.
4th Fuckin’ Step: Start putting the bags in the boxes. Yes, boxes. I have a lot of hoes that need their diabeetus fix.
Yo, Hoes! Look at all the shit in these boxes.
TitTip: Be sure to use a Wal-Mart bag in every box. This way your hoes know you only used the finest fuckin’ ingredients.
I purchase only the finest fuckin’ ingredients at the classiest establishments.
5th Fuckin’ Step: Put some more packing materials on the sides and top of the box to give the cookies some cushion because they are going to be pushed. I think I messed that line up, but the main idea is to protect your cookies from being fucked.
Looks like trash? That’s because I sent it to trailer trash. Treat trash like trash. That should be a new proverb.
BTFW: If you run out of plastic bags, or are a cheap mother fucker, you can usually find some local newspapers for free.
Crumbling up a Kansas newspaper made me feel a little better about living in Kansas.
There are some shitty cookies located in the box of trash.
6th Fuckin’ Step: Properly label the box so it doesn’t get tousled around during transportation.
This shit is fragile, yo!
7th Fuckin’ Step: Be sure to address it to the right hoes. I wanted to make sure my package got to specific hoes: Dem Hoes.
Dem Hoes love cookies.
FYFI: The best part of mailing this was when the lady at the post office pointed at “Dem Hoes” and asked if that was a name. She didn’t seem to understand what it meant, even after I told her it wasn’t a name. She wrote “Dem Hoes” on the tracking receipts. This was probably one of the most fucktacular moments of my life.
Look at all Dem Hoes!
Don’t be a cunt, and send some diabeetus to your madre and padre. Titbit: Don’t address your parents as “Dem Hoes”. Some people think I don’t have a line to cross, but there it is. I won’t refer to my parents as hoes.
Respect your fuckin’ parents.
8th Fuckin’ Step: Ward others from stealing your package by placing a warning label on it. This way no one will want to steal the shit you made for your shittacular hoes.
Watch out, Hoe! You might get contaminated.
9th Fuckin’ Step: Marvel at your diabeetus and think about your soon-to-be-fat hoes.
My table collapsed under the weight of the diabeetus. RIP: Shitty table.
Mailing small cookies is much easier than mailing a giant diabeetus cookie. Although this pussy was still pretty fuckin’ satisfied.
__________
The Foul-Mouthed Baker 