Tag Archives: Penis

I Can Fly Twice As High: Dick-Shaped Hot Air Balloon Cookies

17 Jul

Dicktacular Baking Inspiration

The day someone shared penispans.com with me my life was forever changed for the better. From that moment forward I wanted to create something fucktacular a with a phallic baking accessory that would be perceived as something more than just a dick.

I found out friends of mine were having a birthday party for their bad-ass one-year-old, and the theme was hot air balloons. “Holy fuck!” I shouted, as I grabbed my novelty penis cookie cutter and set myself to sketching out a sweet, dick-shaped hot air balloon.

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time. 

Dicktacular Plans! Yes, this type of thing is just laying around in my apartment all the time.

BTFW: If you are thinking: “Hey, this isn’t appropriate for a one-year old’s birthday party! What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?” That is a perfectly normal thing to think. However, please keep in mind:

  1. The kid is one, so she’ll have no idea these are dicks.
  2. Any other kids who see these would have no idea they are chewing on some nommy cocks.
  3. I made other non-dick shaped cookies, so if my friends didn’t want these special cookies out for their kiddo’s party they didn’t have to put them out. When I sent these to my friends, I even threw in some of the best fuckin’ chocolate chip cookies because I’m thoughtful as fuck.
  4. You’re boring! Don’t be such a prude, fucker.

Cookie Cock Construction

I had to do all the regular cookie making shit: mix an assload of dough, cut out a fuckton of shapes (ex: dicks, rainbows, etc.), and then bake that shit.

Some baked dicks.

Some baked dicks.

Now comes the part that only a master cookie decorator could complete: making the dicks resemble hot air balloons.

Just fuckin’ with you! It’s not hard. Even a fuckhead could do it, so give it a try, fuckhead.

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

This is how you make dicks look like hot air balloons

Be Fuckin’ Careful!

Be careful with this shit! These dicks are soft and break easily.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

Story of my life: dick breaking.

I never cry over a broken dick; I repurpose it.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Building something out of a broken dick.

Hot Air Balloon Dick Cookies

Here are the fucktacular products of my labors.

This shit is colorful.

This shit is colorful.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that's shaped like a dick.

What a lovely day for a ride in a hot air balloon that’s shaped like a dick.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Check out all these hot dicks.

Cookie Cock Comic

I made a horrible comic with a broken dick.

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Shitty Dick Comic: Part I

Why Would I Buy a Cock Cookie Cutter?

Why wouldn’t everyone buy a fuckin’ cookie cutter that allows them to make dick-shaped cookies? The possibilities with this cookie cutter are mother fuckin’ endless! I’ve made Christmas Cock Cookies and some Valentine’s Day cock cookies with this cookie cutter.

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Pussy and Cakes: Part II

22 May

My cats like to nap in the sunlight and eat mother fuckin’ tuna all day until I bring out the mixer and start baking. In Part I, you learned that cats are assholes. In Part II, you’ll learn much of the same shit.

1. Cats don’t give a shit about what recipe you choose.

Why would they fuckin’ care? Can they eat what you are making? Probably, but do they fuckin’ want to eat it? Hell no!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

Stop what you are doing, human, and pet the shit out of me!

2. Cats couldn’t care fuckin’ less about your god-damned ingredients.

“Are you bringing out more cat toys? Catnip? Stinky-ass fish? No. Then, what the fuck is all this noise, cunt. I’m trying to get my 18+ hours of sleep, and I’ve barely gotten 14 so far.”

-My Loving Cats

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

At least I pay more attention to my cats than my shitty house plant.

3. Cats LOVE The Cock.

This was a strange thing to discover. I just thought I should share the information with others. Maybe other people have cats with a phallic infatuation.

FYFI: These were some big-ass dick cookie cutters. The biggest one was approximately the length of one sitting, fatass cat, which you can see in the dicktacular picture below.

This pussy love The Cock!

This pussy love The Cock!

4. Pussy fur: Put that shit in everything. 

Cats may act like they hate you, and they really do. How do I know? They get their fuckin’ fur in everything!

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Cat fur in cookie dough is not fabulous.

Pussy loves nothing more than to ruin your fucktacular creations.

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Valentine’s Day is for Tip Touching

13 Feb

This Valentine’s Day bake some fuckin’ cookies because diabeetus hearts everyone.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

Jeebus fish approves of gay unicorn sex.

TitTip: Dicks are delicate.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

A burnt unicorn broke this delicate cock.

Decorate The Shit Out of Some Cookies Start decorating the cookies. This shit is as easy as 1, 2, 3.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

1: Outline the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

2: Flood the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

3: Write fun, appropriate words on the shitty cookies.

Setting The Mood Arrange the cookies up in a romantic manner.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

Bitches love roses and cookies with sexy messages on them.

If you are wondering why you haven't found true love, it's probably cause you haven't tried anal, you snooty cunt.

If you are wondering why you haven’t found true love, it’s probably cause you haven’t tried anal, you snooty cunt.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

Anal fissures are usually caused by tentacles.

If you set the cookies up correctly, you may be lucky enough to participate in some tip touching. Titbit: Tip touching is fucktacular.

It's like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

It’s like Michelangelo made this shit himself.

If you can’t touch tips, then try some…

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Probably the best of all the sexes.

Remember this Valentine’s Day: Don’t be a dick. Eat a dick.

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All Vaginas Are Created Equal, But Some Taste Better

26 Aug

Women’s Equality Day deserves pro-lady cupcakes! Where there are pro-lady vagina cupcakes there will most certainly be a Vagina Raptor to fizz all over the place.

A Salute to Lower Lady Bits

This special day made me realize I often put dicks on desserts and use a lot of words for male-parts when speaking or writing, which may make it seem like I like dude junk more than chick junk. Therefore, I would like to take a moment to salute great words for lower lady bits:

  • Beef Curtains
  • Pussy (my personal favorite)
  • Cunt (favorite Shakespearean word)
  • Snapper
  • Panty hamster
  • Flappers
  • VaJayJay
  • Hatchet wound (Ted Bundy would enjoy the violent imagery)
  • Baby shoot
  • Bearded oyster

I bet you had a great time reading these words, since I had a shittacular time making that list. If you aren’t familiar with one or more of the words try adding them to your vocabulary for this special day, the next week, or, if you want to be fucktacular, the rest of your life.

Pro-Pussy and Pro-Tit Cupcakes

Here is a sample of some of my pro-pussy work. Not only can ladies vote, but now they can have cupcakes made in the likeness of their fun bits.

Look at all the cunts!

Look at all the cunts!

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Here are some close-ups. Yes, the bottom left is a pussy with teeth. The bottom right looks like a Beholder.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the titties.

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

Tits! Boobies! Fun Bags! Breasts!

If you take nothing else away from this post about this special day, please remember:

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Cunts are people too, or rather, cunts are attached to fucktacular people.

Vagina Raptor: A Mythy Legend 

You may have heard “Vagina Raptor” being used as a euphemism for a chick on her rag, but the origin of this euphemism comes from an actual creature with the body of a raptor and a head shaped like a vulva. If you ran into a Vagina Raptor, and she wasn’t munching on some vagina cupcakes, she was probably pretty fuckin’ pissed. Vagina cupcakes aren’t available everywhere, which is why she gets a bad reputation as a bitch.

Once a Vagina Raptor eats a pussy cupcake, she covers herself in this slippery substance and happily slips away.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

A happy Vagina Raptor about to enjoy a vagina cupcake. This shit is about to get slippery.

There are some people who would insist that Vagina Raptor needs to shave her face or at least give it a little trim, but she is beautiful just the way Jeebus made her.

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Margarita Cupcakes: Just Add Viagra

1 Aug

A dear, sweet friend of mine requested margarita cupcakes for his birthday, and I’m all about delivering requested shit.

Recipe

I got the recipe from some baking blog that has the cutest, fuckin’ shit ever.

Veganize that shit: The recipe said to use a box cake. Ugh. Box cake? Fuck that shit. I used my own white cake recipe, which is vegan, duh. The lime frosting is easy to make vegan by substituting your favorite vegan cream cheese and butter.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

I only include these pictures so that readers will believe I really bake this shit.

What’s the best part about making margarita cupcakes?

Step 1: Make a meme Step 2: Take a shot!

Step 1: Make a meme
Step 2: Take a shot!

Pre-made margarita mix in the cupcakes and tequila in the glaze and lime cream cheese icing, so I knew this was my kind of recipe.

It's a well-known fact that you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

It’s a well-known fact that while baking you take a shot every time you add an ingredient.

I usually don’t care to make my baked goods look cute, but I kept looking at this blog, and… in my moment of weakness… I gave into the cute propaganda. I didn’t do as good as the blog with the super cute shit, but these were a step-up from my normal cupcakes, which look fuckin’ shitty.

This shit is fuckin' cute.

This shit is fuckin’ cute.

TitTip: If there were one big thing I would change about this recipe it would be to NOT add the lime cream cheese icing. It wasn’t that great, but the lime-tequila glaze was AMAZING! The recipe suggests skipping the tequila in the glaze and just add water: MISTAKE!!! Do NOT do that! I skipped the water and added more tequila, which was a fucktacular choice.

Mmmm....taste the Viagra.

Mmmm….taste the Viagra.

Why Soft D?

“Soft D” is the nickname of the friend who requested these cupcakes. He didn’t get that nickname because he has erectile dysfunction. His real name is “Duy”, which is pronounced “Yee” (as in “Yee-Haw, Cunt!”). You don’t pronounce the “D” because the D is soft. Get it? *nudge, nudge*

Even though, his nickname isn’t about his dick……dicks are shittacular funny. I drew little Viagra pills and sad limp dicks on some of the cupcakes, which I felt added a certain level of class to the cupcakes.

Cram that soft D in your mouth. 

Cram that soft D in your mouth.

Penisaurus Rex showed up to the classy party for Soft D, and it was the bestest birthday party ever.

__________

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